Here is the sitch: WAW has ongoing EA/PA w/OM for 9 months. He lives ~300 miles away, and is a colleague of hers. They have been sneaking around, getting together at quarterly meetings, and occasionally meeting halfway. She has stated in no uncertain terms she wants D. I have been DBing for about 6 weeks. I am completely in love with my wife. I have told her that, in spite of the ongoing affair, I have forgiven her completely. She thinks this, along with DB'ing is me being manipulative.
Day before yesterday, she said that she is going to move forward soon with the divorce, and asked me whether I would cooperate in filing the paperwork. Well.... should I?
OK, so I responded over the next 36 hours by continuing LRT - especially PMA. I was cheerful and nice, and went so far as to make her a special salad to go with her dinner.
So, two days later she said that her statement that she is going forward with D has had no affect on me. Asked what are you talking about? She replied that I am being EXTRA nice to her... I replied that I am a nice person. She then announced that she is going on two business trips... she didn't state that it was with OM, but I know it is. I didn't blow up... I just said "have fun" and left the room (I did slam the door on way out). I think that in telling me this she is putting the nail in the coffin... her thinking is that her being open about being with OM will anger me to the point that I will concede to D. Wrong. My plan is to continue DBing via LRT.
OK, so here is the second question: Part of DBing is to show WAW somebody who she would not want to leave. So does my effort to become this person include being somebody who would sit idly by as she waltzes off for overnite encounters with OM? Why would she want to be with a chump like that?
And what level of voluntary participation should I offer her in filing for divorce (dissolution)?
If you do not want a D, DO NOT make it easy for her. As far as her A and the OM, my opinion is that you have to let her "figure it out" and stop the A. I don't think you not doing anything about it is going to be seen as being a chump.
You have small children I noticed. What does she say about them?
Patience here is the key. Keep DB'ing. Let her see the man she fell in love with and that she would not want to lose.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You have small children I noticed. What does she say about them?
To her, it does not matter what affect this will have on the kids. She is being selfish and narcissistic. She is acting in her own self-interest, everybody else be damned.
She has told me, "they'll survive." Bottom line: She is telling herself (and me) that a divorce will have very little impact on the kids. She does not really believe this, but it is what she is saying. The oldest suspects an affair (he overheard us talking), so a divorce now will only confirm his suspicions (esp. if they become a "couple" immediately after D), and the middle kid will be emotionally DEVASTATED. And she knows all of this. But it does not matter because she is "in love."
Mark, You sound like you've done some reading on DB and are implementing some ideas. Good for you. If you don't want a D, than I wouldn't participate any more than you absolutely have to, for your own self-interest, and the best interests of the children.
She does have a poor opinion of you at this time. It's not because you're not pursuing her. Pursuing her would make you look weak--like you can't live without her.
Six weeks of DBing is still very early in the process.
Let's hope for some positive signs. Things can change pretty quickly.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Concerned: Thanks for weighing in. I have learned much from your posts, and I am honored that you have offered your assistance to me.
I have read DR twice, and been perusing these boards since late May. Also have had two "coaching" sessions, and have another scheduled today. And I have three more "in the bank."
She indeed has a very poor opinion of me. Although we still live together, we rarely talk. She has stated that she cannot be nice to me for fear of my misinterpreting her kindness as a willingness to stay together. So she does not initiate conversations with me. She talks to the dog nicer than she talks to me. Any affect this has on me is transparent to her. I am committed to showing her PMA, nothing less. Working on GAL also, fixing my fishing boat, and joining a men's fraternal organization to network a bit.
This week will be VERY difficult for me. She leaves tomorrow to visit OM on a "business trip." I am tempted (although I won't) to tell the kids that she is going out of town tomorrow to see a friend. It's the truth, but no need to drag them into this. I know I will not sleep Tuesday night. Upon her return, what do I say? How about, "Did you have fun???" Or "Well, how was it??" Or, "Isn't reunion sex the greatest?" Still seething a bit, in case you cannot tell.
Bottom line is I am not pursuing. Not tracking. I am giving her space and showing her what a great guy she is walking away from. It's all I can do, really...
My wife gets back from a trip with OM on tuesday. I'm not sure how to act either. I plan on simply going dark the next few days. Nice, civil, neighborly when the kids are awake. But once they go to bed i'll go do my seperate thing. No questions about her trip.
Mark, You're right. It's going to be a tough week. I'm glad to hear about your GAL activities. You sound like you know what you need to do during this period of distance from your W. You sound like you have the resolve and strength to hang-in-there with this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Next: Just got off of the phone with my coach. She advised that, as WAW is walking out the door to her trip to see OM, I should act as if she is off to another day at the office. As far as a return, find out what time she will be home, and not be home when she arrives. Take the kids and get out of the house. It will be US coming home, not her. This is what I will do.
You have small children I noticed. What does she say about them?
To her, it does not matter what affect this will have on the kids. She is being selfish and narcissistic. She is acting in her own self-interest, everybody else be damned.
She has told me, "they'll survive." Bottom line: She is telling herself (and me) that a divorce will have very little impact on the kids. She does not really believe this, but it is what she is saying. The oldest suspects an affair (he overheard us talking), so a divorce now will only confirm his suspicions (esp. if they become a "couple" immediately after D), and the middle kid will be emotionally DEVASTATED. And she knows all of this. But it does not matter because she is "in love."
Mark, This must be a mindset they all get. It's all about them. I'm sorry you are going through this, but most of us know exactly how you are feeling and are glad to listen and share our knowledge.
Is your state a no-fault divorce state or must there be a reason? This my be a way to delay the divorce.
I like the idea of not being there when she gets home. The camping idea or something fun with the kids is a great idea. Take lots of pics and leave them laying around so that she will find them. The kids will also tell her what a great time they had. You don't have to say anything. This will give her something to think about, does she always want to miss out on these family times?
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
