Wow, some of what you say sounds the way I feel. No one but your wife can tell you if she is ready for Retrouvaille or counseling. Believe me, I know it sucks, so I am not going to say it is easy. It will probably be the worst pain you will ever feel, going through this. And emotional pain is much worse than physical. I would try not pursuing her. Try and think of something you could do that would seem totally unexpected to her. If you run into her, go slow. Ask how she is doing, the way you would ask anyone else in your circle of friends. Act like she is just an acquaintance. It will seem really weird and goes against what you want to do, but try it. Then just say, "Good seeing you." And leave!!!!! DO NOT turn around . If she wants to talk to you she will call you. Since you have mutual friends she should run into you once in awhile. It seems odd she called you to apologize. Maybe she will call again. Don't be cold, but don't pursue her. Mention some new activity you have taken up-lie about it if you have to (and then start participating the minute the two of you hang up!). Be casual. Mention a book you are reading, or anything alse you can think of. But don't let yourself bring up the topic of your relationship. When you are with your mutual friends, try doing the same thing. Would you rather have it get back to her you are skinny and desperate, or involved in some exciting new ventures? Be upbeat as much as you can. Then go home and let it all out. It really does help.
I posted on your other thread too (and recommended that you try and keep things to one thread just so they are easier to follow).
But as for where... don't make the decision based on her. Make it based on what's best for you (emotionally, physically, financially).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Still haven't spoken to W since the day she moved out (about 5 days ago). Feeling lonely, shamed and losing hope. Getting tired of telling the news to folks who ask how we are doing and don't know the story. Wondering how in the world we would even begin to patch this back together if she did return. The drastic nature of her actions considering our problems seems to be so selfish, and I can't see how we could really put this past us to be stronger in the future. I actually think I could, if she were completely honest, remorseful and willing to work on our communication. I would still do anything to save our M, despite her quest to ruin it. W has been completely unreceptive to any attempts of our mutual friends to offer support. NC leaves me feeling isolated and alone, even with the many friends who call to see how I'm doing. Most want to see us work it out, but many are dumbfounded as to why she would do this, even knowing our history of arguing. NC seems to be only working against me as it just enables her to continue her mind game of blocking out all memories of us. From what I have heard, she seems to be on a downward spiral and there is nothing I can say or do to help her. I can't believe that after all of this I still want to work it out and save our M. Am I just a glutton for punishment? Should I call her and tell her where I am moving to or just do it and wait for her to contact me? I don't want to move to a new place, and I don't want to stay. The only thing that seems best for me right now is saving our M, which doesn't look promising, and I really don't WANT any of the choices I have left for myself. Has anyone else experienced a spouse of less than a year (or any length) completely withdrawing all emotion and leaving behind every single thing you have shared only to tell you they don't care what you do with it? And by the way, thanks to all for the advice on what to do with her "stuff", but she made it explicit that she wanted it no more. I have only put it in storage in case we work this out and she realizes how foolsih she was being.
Went on business yesterday to one of W & my favorite towns. Weird being there without her, remembering our fav restaurants and hangouts. Decided to see a psychic/astrologer for fun, and in hopes of hearing a different perspective. Was told things that nobody could possibly know about her/us less they knew us well, and that I should focus on my needs, career and health, and not worry about W right now...basically I was told to DB! Haha. Ok, I agreed, but in terms of finding a new place to rent, what if the place I choose is not the environment my W would want to move to with me (city vs. burbs. I know we were talking about renting a house while we saved to buy one within the next couple of years, but this place is an apt. in the middle of a downtown area in town nearby that she usually doesn't feel comfortable hanging out in (too stuffy). Just feel like I need to be around some noise and distractions (positive) vs. isolated in a rental hse. she may never move into anyway. And thinking, hey, it's only a year, and if that's what breaks the camel's back then she must not want me that bad to begin with. In other news, have heard reports she is up to old ways, partying and self-medicating again, something she said she didn't want anymore of and had moved past. I'm now worried about her, but feel powerless to help her as she is not only drinking again, but drinking to run from our M, which I think may put her on the defensive and likely to just do it more should I say something about it. arggghhhhhhh
Ok, got the change of address card in the mail today for her. Being that our lease is up in a couple of days, I guess that's something that would have to be done anyway. Just makes me sad to see our entire first year of M crumbled into dust in front of my eyes, while she runs around town drinking her sorrows away. I want her to call me, begging for my forgiveness and to let her come home (don't we all?), but know that I will be moving in a few days to a new place that I picked out on my own, and for the purpose of keeping my own head straight through all of this. Anyone have any opinion on whether I should call and tell her where I have moved. or does this break the NC rule? Part of me just wants her to have to look for me. Sometimes this all feels like a big game, even the DBing. Does anyone besides we DBer's honor their vows anymore?
I think you can fairly safely say just about everyone on this board is honoring their marriage vows. However I can see how some might be lured away from them because of the rejection that they feel. We all want to feel good about ourselves and the attention of someone of the opposite sex is a very, very strong draw. Let's face it, it makes us feel good about ourselves and is a boost to our self esteem which has been beaten down so badly.
As for letting her know your new address, well I think that is entirely up to you. I don't think there are any hard, steadfast rules here.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Mr. Hindsight: I read back in your thread a bit, to see if i had any advice to offer on one of the questions you asked recently.. and then I came across things like,
Quote:
Before we were married she was usually the one to threaten to walk out, and I would always take her back as we tried to work on our R. Since we have been married however, she has become more and more naggy and untrusting of my motives as I have slowly distanced myself from her and her accusations.
and also, that she had already been divorced before... and she's only in her mid-twenties?
You're 10 years apart.. she is basically a child, both compared to your age, and how she is acting. she has demonstrated both by her divorcing her first husband, and also in how she has approached your marriage, that she is incredibly NOT suited to marriage. (I dont believe all the "controlling" claims. It was most likely more a case of, She wanted to do whatever she wanted, her husband complained about it, so eventually she divorced him)
I'm sorry to say this, but since it seems no-one else has yet: People sometimes say that not all marriages should be saved. I know that you love her.. but it seems like your marriage is one of them. You've only been married a year, and there are no children. In some ways, an "annulment" sounds almost appropriate. i dont think she was ever truely committed to you in marriage.
Unless you are an incredibly strong biblical marriage believer... why would you want to stay in this marriage? And even if you are.. she doesnt sound like a believer. by the words of St. Paul, you can let the unbeliever go, and be free of your mismatched marriage. Let her go. completely. Let her do the divorce. Don't chase after her one bit.
If she decides to grow up and come back... accept her back if you choose. Otherwise.. take some time, heal yourself, and after a year or two, find a real wife for yourself. (an adult, not a child!)
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You're 10 years apart.. she is basically a child, both compared to your age, and how she is acting. she has demonstrated both by her divorcing her first husband, and also in how she has approached your marriage, that she is incredibly NOT suited to marriage. (I dont believe all the "controlling" claims. It was most likely more a case of, She wanted to do whatever she wanted, her husband complained about it, so eventually she divorced him)
I'm sorry to say this, but since it seems no-one else has yet: People sometimes say that not all marriages should be saved. I know that you love her.. but it seems like your marriage is one of them. You've only been married a year, and there are no children. In some ways, an "annulment" sounds almost appropriate. i dont think she was ever truely committed to you in marriage.
Unless you are an incredibly strong biblical marriage believer... why would you want to stay in this marriage? And even if you are.. she doesnt sound like a believer. by the words of St. Paul, you can let the unbeliever go, and be free of your mismatched marriage. Let her go. completely. Let her do the divorce. Don't chase after her one bit.
I appreciate your viewpoint Dom. I agree that her maturity level is not on par with mine, as do most of our friends. Realize there are other dynamics at work in our R/M, that go beyond what I have posted here, as like any M, our story is filled with a vast history of mutual mistakes and victories. I believe she married me truly with the desire to be happy and to live on together into old age. I do think that saying that our marriage shouldn't be saved is rather harsh, and goes against the principles of DBing. My W suffers from a variety of physical illnesses which have shaped her in some very damaging ways (emotionally), rendering her feeling very unloveable. She is defensive and unconfident in her ability to give me love as well as to receive it. I married her because the best in her far outweighs the worst, and it just so happens that when she is hurt, she is very self and outwardly destructive. Someday, she will indeed find her strength to grow in this area, and I am praying and hoping that our separation is just what the Dr. ordered for her to find it. I know her first H, and though he may not have been truly abusive, he was indeed very destructive to what little of her self-esteem was left when she met him. Most of our present issues arose from the aftermath of what she carried with her from that M. I vowed my commitment to her for life, through better or for worse, and this, Dom, is her worst-but does that make it right to bail on her? Though she may be confused, and in a very negative place with herself, I AM the stronger one right now, and will not abandon her just because she did the same to me out of fear of something within herself. If the papers land on my doorstep, I will wish her well, but my love for my W is truly unconditional, and no matter what she has done, I will indeed forgive her in time and with some work, if she comes around. If I walk away from my so-called "mismatched marriage", then I will be no less of the problem than she. Who are you to say we are so? However, I have stopped chasing her and I will not do the D.
