What makes you think that she has been thinking about this before I told her I wanted a D? I was under the impression from reading the book that the goals have to do with our relationship as well? Though I know how wrong I was, it happened in the heat of an argument So you know how bad this sounds? ...so why not assume she could be gone out of fear of it happening again or just being plain hurt? OK, so why would she come back? Our R/M has had a pattern of one of us bailing when the argument gets out of hand. It started as her pattern years ago, but I began to adopt it as well. I believe she does mean it though, in the past she has usually been back much sooner. I am hoping that this could be a time for us to cleanse the old and begin anew. Thsi may be, but I think it is going to be better for you if it takes a while. You really, really, need to think this through, and understand that being in an arguement isn't a free pass to say unacceptable things that you have agreed you wouldn't say.
I could be wrong, but I think everything you've said here supports my thinking. It happened on the heat of an arguement, and not the first time. She's bailed before. So she's been thinking about to do 'the next time', this time. If this was the first time anything like this had happened it might be quick, but the cumulative damage has been done, and it is going to take some healing.
Ok. So I keep reading the book and keep thinking, "If only we found this a year ago!". I want her to know that there is hope for us. I want her to know that we don't have to live like that anymore and neither do we have to be apart to be happy. I don't think she is at all ready to hear this now. Could be a while. I haven't spoken to her in three days, and I am trying to stay distanced. Good, I think. I miss my W though ad each day is as grueling as the days before. I feel no better, just smarter and more capable of working through this. I'm also thinking Retrovaille would do us a lot of good. This one I absolutely agree with. When the time is right I think it would be a very good idea. How can I share these things without calling her or pushing the issue? Right now I don't think you can, so don't. Patience. How can she see the changes I have made when she is not here? By the fact that you are not chasing, and by how you act when you next hear from her. She's most likely going to be blaming you, if you get defensive, you'll set yourself way back.
Thanks Sara- The romantic in me has already tried this many times over the years, and I have sent three emails, one "I'm sorry card", a bottle of her favorite perfume and a bouquet of flowers, as well as told her how sorry I am two more times in person. My W has never been receptive to letters in times of trouble between us. In fact, no matter whether it has been her fault or mine, I have historically been the one trying to mend things and she usually rips up my letters in my face or lays verbal insult to what I have written as she rolls her eyes and calls me names. During good times, yes, cards and letters are accepted warmly, but in bad times, she can be very downright cruel, which is where much of my own resentments towards her stem from. She tells me my intentions are anything but out of love as she lays out the guns. The worse I show her I feel, the harder she hits. This cycle began with her early in our R, as I was never this way before I was with her, but as I mentioned in my previous posts, I have become rather cruel myself (verbally) in defense of her onslaughts. Over the years, nearly all of my letters have been ripped up, emails deleted, flowers thrown out or in my face (literally) and my words twisted to the worse possible meaning. My threat of the D was an attempt to get her to recognize her own behavior and how it has affected us in every day life, in hopes she would get scared into self-reflection (I know, foolish of me indeed). She simply does not allow me to apologize, and yet repeatedly reminds me that I never do. My intentions are always assumed and I am not allowed to disagree with her even calmly or they just get worse. The fact is that once she is upset there is nothing I can do but give her "space" until she hits rock bottom with her emotions (I tell her that seems to be the only gift she accepts from me). The other half of it is that when we aren't at odds, we are intensely loving, comfortable and supportive of each other, even up until the day before she walked! It often feels like I am living with two very different women, and neither one recognizes the other exists.
Thanks for reaffirming that distance is all I can give. I know this at some level, but despite our problems, part of me still believes we are better off working through them together rather than apart. I am in conflict with the way to go on this as our problems are rather complex and the D threat was an attempt on my part to get her to see how self-destructive she has been and how vicious she is when I have a problem to share. I always attempt to come to her calmly and with respect, but the first shots are usually fired by her until I am in disbelief that the same woman who just wanted me to come home and spend time with her is standing in front of me at that moment. Our R/M has been very out of balance, with her attempting to maintain control over most everything while I am told the best way to handle her is to just let it "roll off my shoulders". I do not and never have wanted a D, but I also have told her that I will not accept the insults, slammed doors and alcohol abuse that she has all but rarely been truly accountable for in our life. I was wrong to handle the situation the way I did, but through all of this, she has still not taken responsibility for the hurtful things that she said before I screamed the D word. Her words are justified while I tell her there was no excuse for my own. We have a pattern, and I recognize more of it now with this time apart, but I am not sure if she will be willing to hold a mirror up to herself without intervention, and her fam/friends are quite good at enabling whatever she wants them to believe, and the cycle continues. Yet I know if I were to call and mention counseling for us or Retrouvaile, she would most likely reject it simply on the grounds that I was the one to suggest it.
Thanks for reaffirming that distance is all I can give. I know this at some level, but despite our problems, part of me still believes we are better off working through them together rather than apart. Of course, in the end it has to be that way, but for now, I think that's impossible. Yet I know if I were to call and mention counseling for us or Retrouvaile, she would most likely reject it simply on the grounds that I was the one to suggest it. Yep. Get the info, and be ready. But she's got to initiate contact. I think she is going to have to feel in 'control' in order to feel safe. And it has to come up when you are talking, not arguing.
So, what do you make of the fact that she has been gone for nearly a month with nothing but her clothes? She hasn't returned for a thing! Can you or anyone else relate to this? Is it of any significance or am I just over analyzing?
So, what do you make of the fact that she has been gone for nearly a month with nothing but her clothes? She hasn't returned for a thing! Can you or anyone else relate to this? Is it of any significance or am I just over analyzing?
Can't help with this. You are probably overanalyzing, but what else are you going to do? Just try not to let it control you.
I'm not even close to an expert, but what have you been doing for you?
My H just took the clothes he needed. Everything else is still here and it's been over 2 months since he moved out.... Can't really tell you what that means. I'd love to believe it's because he's not sure what he's doing is the right thing but who knows. I'm trying not to dwell on things like that because it will drive you nuts.
I'm slowly learning not to try to analyze everything he does or says. I do mean slowly but the last few days I've managed to get a handle on it and to think about me and my kids.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
I think the amount a person takes is indicative of how much he means to stay away. If a person just wants to cool off, he would not likely take a ton of stuff. Taking alot suggests he plans on being gone awhile. This is not a hard and fast rule, it is just based on my experiences.
There is always hope if I'm responsible for my own behavior.
Thanks for the feedback. Though I may be looking at it too much from my perspective, I've been reasoning much like you lac69. I have also thought that since I know she is running from our marriage, it may be an effort to block out the good parts that she doesn't want to confront out of being hurt. IE: it's easier to pretend everything is bad and justify running when there are no visual reminders of a a good life shared with your spouse. A couple of weeks into this ordeal, she began to try to guilt me by dropping comments about how she has nothing but her clothes and how she has to sleep on couches at friends' houses etc., as if I asked her to do it. So, I offered for her to stay at our place when I was out of town for a few days on biz, but she refused, even after complaining. I reasoned that she wasn't just trying to get away from me, but her entire life with me. The other variable is that we are renters, and our lease is up in about a month, and I am wondering if she is just waiting until then to get her stuff.
Just try not to let it control you.