Yes, with your H, it would be hard not to project his thoughts about others onto your own sitch. But from what he said about his dad, that sounded much more positive.
It is very sad how many people in your family are going thru M struggles. Your dad is very very lucky to have such a patient W. She could be so far gone, but she is not.
About your SIL: your H is only doing what he thinks will heal her now. That's why it's so important to not be influenced by friends and family. They want us to feel better now, and they are not looking to restore our M.
On your, moving him out of your room....If you had a choice... for him to move out of the room or you to. Well, I think he should go. I don't think that is controlling, depending how you said it probably. I don't know. I don't think it's fair to you to have to leave. He's the one who's not repecting you right now.
okay, I better go...it's past my bedtime take care Nikki!!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
JDK and ST - hi, thanks for checking in! Hope everyone's having a great weekend.
Mine's been pretty good so far. Went to my sister's dance recital last night. I realized I hadn't seen her dance except at practice in awhile - she has gotten GOOD!! I was really impressed. The littler kids were cute of course, but mostly stood around and looked adorable in their costumes - not a lot of actual dancing. I'm excited that my sis is so talented with physical type things (something I never had and always wished for).
It was SO awkward being there with my dad and stepmom, though. ST you're right, stepmom is so incredibly patient. It was stepmom, her parents, her sister and family, my dad, and me. Good to see her family again but it was tense.
I think it also gave me some interesting perspective being there. I know I've mentioned my dad basically does not get the DB thing AT ALL but it was crazy seeing the WAS/LBS dynamic right there in front of me. My dad kept digging for things to talk to stepmom about, excuses to touch her. I ended up sitting in between them (not intentional! Everyone kept shuffling seats around and that's how it ended up). So half the night my dad was pretending to look at me while staring at her. I could feel her avoiding looking back at him and getting tense. A couple times I said "Dad! Watch the dancing." Or he'd reach across to touch her to get her attention and ask her a question that he already knew the answer to or that he didn't need to know about. i.e. stepmom said "Oh this is [sis] coming up." Not 10 seconds later Dad touches her leg (she flinches, he still keeps touching her), leans across me, and says "[stepmom] is this her coming up?" Um Dad she JUST said that, and you were there for practice so you know the order just as well as she does. Stepmom had a friendly but detached tone at first, more and more irritated as the night went on. I could see her getting more and more agitated - at one point when she stepped out for a minute I told my dad I could see he was upsetting her, suggested he back off and make it a nice relaxed family time. No luck. By the end when we got up to leave she was practically running from him, and she even had a hard time talking to me. I didn't take it personally just think she was so annoyed with him she couldn't even stomach being around me by then. It was really crazy seeing it all right before my eyes.
After I got home H invited me out to the movies so we went and saw Transformers. Good movie!!! I thought it might be kinda cheesy but it wasn't. We both really enjoyed it.
This morning took my mom over to get her new car - she is really excited. We went out to lunch and did some shopping for my coworker's birthday tonight.
Now... just taking a little break and catching up here, then will get ready for the party.
Oh, and we got invited to ANOTHER BBQ / party tomorrow - cool stuff!! This is with a couple who is kind of mutual friends, but the girlfriend really "took me in" a lot when H left and we got a lot closer, so I'm excited to see them.
Fun weekend so far!! Feels good to be back on the GALing a little more.
Last edited by NikkiB; 07/14/0711:57 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Has to be frustrating to keep seeing your dad, but when you can understand more about what each side of the WAS/LBS dynamic you can see so much more about what is going.
Sounds like a good weekend so far, how are you doing with everything that you've been worrying and thinking about with your H? Are you still thinking about making some changes for yourself or are you just riding out the current storm or ?
Thanks for the great illustration of the WAS / LBS dynamic. The WAS has that overpowering need for space. I dont even know how this can be done when under the same roof, cause there is always expectations even when you think there are none. I would sure like to figure out how to do this , too late for me but it could be help for others.
It sure was strange to see the LBS/WAS dynamic play out like that right in front of me. Even stranger that Dad doesn't see it at all. It really hit home with me and reminded me how hard it is to "see" what's going on in our own sitches sometimes.
JDK - I am still so torn on what to do about the stuff going on with H. One minute I am ready to move or kick him out and 5 minutes later I'm thinking patience, stay the course, keep building on the positives so he'll WANT to fully commit and stop contact etc. So... I got as far as leaving a message for the MC to schedule an appointment, but that's about all I've done. As for my own actions just trying to get back to basics for now. I need to figure this out though.
The party Saturday was pretty fun! H was being really conservative and quiet at first but later really opened up and was being pretty crazy (but in a fun way), so that was cool. It's funny because being around friends is so important to him, but he's really uncomfortable around big groups of my friends... it's like he needs that safety net of the people he knows well. I'm fine in groups of his friends though, even if it's my first time meeting them. Just something I hadn't really thought about in a long time (probably because I'd gotten away from having many friends of my own, due in part to this very thing!). Anyway I had a good time and it was really fun to cut loose with some of my coworkers. We haven't been a team all that long and don't know each other well, so it's good for getting to know each other better. The girl whose birthday it was has really gotten me to be more open to new friendships at work in general - don't think she even realizes it, but maybe I'll tell her someday. I tend to be so quiet and private, but she's relentless about including me on things like coworker lunches... and finally I'm starting to enjoy them and be more comfortable. Hooray!
The party got over kinda early and we weren't ready to come home so we went and played pool, lost track of time, and ended up closing the place down. Wow!! And I did a pretty good 180 too... took H's suggestions for how to play better, didn't get frustrated as quickly. H said "See?? This is fun when you actually try and do better, instead of getting all upset that you aren't good at it." That was kinda cool.
I did find myself (both at the party and the pool hall) getting jealous a few times. I hate that... it never used to be part of me, I prided myself on NOT being a jealous person. I didn't act on it or show it to H at all. I figure if I am acting jealous when it's not rational/logical it kinda says that "see, you're irrationally jealous, so you have no reason to have a problem with OW/PW contact..." I dunno, warped logic maybe, but I know with these particular incidents it really was my issue. H wasn't being inappropriate, I got jealous anyway. So something else to work on there.
Sunday was mostly a "party recovery" day . Also got a lot done around the house. We ended up not going to the BBQ on Sunday because neither of us was really in the mood.
Had a fun totally unplanned night too. I went to the store to get our traditional Sunday night steak dinner stuff, and also picked up some Armor All for my car. Got home, cleaned my car up and got it looking really nice.. and then H decided to wash his road course car. Then thought he'd wax the black part of it to see if he could get the oxidation off... it looked really good. Long story short, I changed into some "work clothes" and we spent a couple of hours cleaning the car together. Did the whole 9 yards - I cleaned the windows really well, put that "tire blackener" stuff on, scrubbed the wheels, H waxed it and I helped with the final "wipe off" part. The car's just a 90 Eagle Talon, nothing fancy, but it looks really good. We didn't get done til almost 10:00 and never even had our dinner. Had some laughs about how we've both got fairly new cars and he's got his restored '69 Mustang and here we are spending hours on this beat up race car. But H commented several times how fun it was, and I agreed.
After we were done he said "Thanks for doing that. I really had a good time doing that with you." That's the second time he's gotten really serious and made sure to emphasize the "good time doing XYZ with you" thing. I'm not sure what it's about, but I like it!! I agreed, and thanked him for telling me that. I wonder if it could be related to this - a few times I've said things about activities that "we" like to do and then followed up with - "Well, I thought that we liked to do XYZ, but is it just me? Or do you enjoy it too?" It's a reaction to the times he's told me he just does things to make ME happy. So I dunno.. I'm trying to ask more if he enjoys whatever the activity is, and maybe he's trying to reassure me a bit that I'm not crazy, we did BOTH enjoy whatever activity we just did.
If that makes any sense whatsoever.
So all in all things are going well, just need to get things straight in my head as far as what to do about boundaries and OW/PW contact. Last night I had a dream that I got her fired and then she was killed in a car crash on the way home from her last day of work. Not that I wish harm on anyone but hey, I'll take that dream over a panic attack in my sleep any day!
Last edited by NikkiB; 07/17/0701:01 AM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki, you wrote "One minute I am ready to move or kick him out and 5 minutes later I'm thinking patience, stay the course". The thing to keep in mind is that when your feelings are all over the place, don't act on them. Wait until you have a clear, long standing feeling before kicking him out. I guess the rollercoaster ride doesn't end just because you're piecing, does it! Oh well
Whatisis - thanks for the reminder. I completely agree and that's why I haven't really done anything yet. I want to at least have SOME consistency in my feelings first, if it's possible.
And trying to keep on building the positives, in the meantime, but without losing myself in it again.
The rollercoaster - nope, sure doesn't. I wish I'd listened (both to my gut and to people here) and had more of a discussion with H about what him moving back in meant to us both, ground rules/boundaries, etc. Ah well... no do-overs, just keep moving forward!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
How cool about the party! awesome! And wonderful to see you went to your sis' recital. SAd to see how your dad is being, that must really hurt knowing what he needs to do, and just watching him be ignorant about it and hurting himself along the way. He is just going to have to learn the hard way.
Glad to hear H asked you to movie! hey, would an 8 year old be okay to watch that. I'm pretty protective of the movies he watches, so he doesn't see too many of those types of movies.
Great to hear how well your doing again! Keep it up!
Ooooh, and oh my gosh on the dream! Ya, I would take that over a panic attack! Maybe the first half can come true.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
take care Nikki!!!
. Also got a lot done around the house. We ended up not going to the BBQ on Sunday because neither of us was really in the mood. 
