I'm gonna throw some things out here and I don't meant to offend. ---- There seems to be confusion on my choice to D. I will try to explain more fully:
I did not want this divorce. I did not want this divorce. I did not want this divorce. I did not want this divorce.
However,
There came a time when the boudaries were reiterated, expectations were re-clarified and consequences restated. Again. I drew my line in the sand for the last time. Again. She blatantly erased that line.
I'd done this before with her. And again. And again. And again.
My counselor and my closet confidant said that if I set boundaries and again she overstepped them, I could not let her escape the consequences. She could respect those boundaries and me or not. But she had to face the consequences of her actions.
We reached the point where the consequences would be D.
She overstepped them again. =D.
As my counselor said, "You didn't decide on divorce. She did". As such, it is what it is.
If she snapped could I R? Of course. As I have been forgiven, so I can forgive. ---- Why am I here? Why not. To learn and grow and to tell my tale and to hang with you all and maybe be helpful. And maybe. Maybe. Save my marriage. Probably not though. So what. I've learned and I grew and I'm here for the rest of you. Just like you have been for me.
Do I b**itch? Do I vent? Do I express feelings I'd never express in reality? Do I swear a lot? You betcha.
I don't think we're here to be "nice". We're in a war. And the battlefields are our marriages. War is ugly. War brings out the best and sometimes the worst in you. I think we're all doing pretty d*amn good under the circumstances.
I say this as I've had feedback stating concerns about my language and anger. I swear and at times I am angry. And bitter. So what. So are you.
Be careful not to hide or repress what you are feeling. If you can not admit and address those feelings they will kill you. You feel them because of this war. They are feelings, neither right, nor wrong. You have ever right to feel what you feel. And don't kid yourself that you don't feel them. I did. And I started to get sick. Don't get sick. Your families need you right now.
You want to vent here? I think that that is good thing. A good vent can often make the rest of us laugh cause we know how you feel. Or cry. But you may feel better. Better to vent at the actions and not the person whose done the actions. Better to do it here where people understand how you feel and not in the real world where you may take it out on your friends and loved ones. We understand. We are here with you. And for the same reasons. We understand. We feel your pain. We really feel your pain. ---- Some talk about being a man of faith. A bunch of us are. But we're starting to split hairs as to what that means. I'd advise to leave it alone.
I've seen many a reference and following of Jesus' Velvet side. Awesome. Don't forget his steel side. He is Velvet and Steel. He is a Healer and a Warrior.
I would say that as a man of faith, or a man, your called to lead your family. To protect them. To die for them if need be. Please keep that in mind during the fog of the battlefield. Do the right thing. And don't let getting tuff scare you. Your a man. It's your job. Your kids are watching. ---- Some talk about 180/LRT/Plan A/B.
Lots of quoting of Michele's books concerning above. Most of us are are in the middle of dealing with affairs.
IMHO, Acting As If, Cheese-less Tunnels, etc. are not exactly full out affair fighting material. Notice these chapters are before the affair stuff. I think this stuff is mostly for fixing an affair free marriage, not one in the middle of hell. Helpful yes, but not the main course. I liken this material to Plan A. But it's not the whole plan in dealing with an affair. It's the beginning. And if you R, maintenance.
Just a thought as I've felt that that is getting missed. I see a lot of folks applying these techniques to some very dire circumstances but kinda negating the things in the affair chapters. Namely NC with AP and LRT. ---- Thanks for letting me throw these thoughts out here. (They have been in my head and wanted to leave. ) BoBeLiNa
New nitemare, I just woke up from a new nitemare where she had realized early on in the relationship that she never really loved me anyways. She had just stayed in the relationship until she realized that she just had to move on. Ouchy.
I am still hoping that all of this is a bad,bad dream for all of us...SorryDog
Me 47 W 42 D 20 S 18 D 13 S 11 Married 17 yrs Asked for D Mothers Day PA found out on 6/14/07 W filed D 7/3/07 D court date 9/10/07 W moved out 7/17/07
Someone was stealing my stuff. I confronted them. I thought that I could take the easy we out and let then steal my stuff and be done with it, or fight back. I chose to fight back and get my stuff back from them. As I started to wrestle my stuff back from the assailant it turned into a physical altercation. Then I woke up from the dream.
I think it's a metaphor about my life.
I was dreaming about my STBXW in here somewhere too. She was the first part of the dream. I seemed to be hiding from her or avoiding her. She caught up to me, and was all nicey-nicey to me, and giddy. I said, "Leave me the f**ck alone. Go away from me". She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face. And then left.
Then I was at some kinda Caribbean style bar/party or something. This was after I'd gotten away from STBXW. I was thinking about what had just happened between STBXW and I. I was hanging with STBXW H addicted brothers FGF's mom and having drinks (?). Then FGF and another friend or two of her mom's showed up.
I had a dream about two weeks ago. This was REALLY weird!!!! In it my husband was friends with a woman at work and this was bothering me. I didn't feel threatened, and I didn't feel there was anything serious going on between them. But I wasn't pleased with it. The thing that upset me in the dream was not that my husband was friends with this woman, but he discounted my worries and would not discontinue his friendship because he thought I was being ridiculous.
The strange thing about this dream is the woman's name was Charlotte. That's not a common name.... Oftentimes dreams will fade the next day, but I remembered this one and asked my husband if he was working with a woman named Charlotte. He said he wasn't.... but... he changed jobs about 2 months ago, and at the previous location he had a woman named Charlotte working for him. He never mentioned her to me so I hadn't heard her name. Apparently she's very young and has been dating another young employee there for a long time... so I'm pretty certain nothing happened between her and my H. But I thought it was REALLY strange that I had this dream and that name popped into it.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
