My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Heimlich]

Hell, man. If we had both registered in June, could've gotten together for some beers. Spent 3 weeks in late May/June and 3 more weeks in late June/July in Lake Charles with my family. My W spent her last two years of college at LSU.

The Gottman's are one of the plentiful crop of relationship writers out there. However, I think they actually make some sense. I read this book in the fall, and it made a lot of sense to me. Just couldn't get my W to do a lot of the exercises with me.

Seven Principles of Marriage

BD

[dlt1]

I've read a few R books and done the paperwork on writing out goals/feelinhs/etc. No way my W would acquiesce (sp?) tpjoining me yet. I gave her two books and asked her to read:
5LL (5 languages of love) b/c I hate not knowing what the abbreviation is
And not sure of title but basically controlled separation (bought it blind b/c my C told me to get it and ask W to read it)
My guess is she skimmed a bit, but when I asked, she said she looked at each. she is so distancing herself that she just wants out and can not fathom another viewpoint. If she saw the Drbook I am continually reading, I really think it would push her away.
My long post boils down to this: Keep YOUR books and reading to yourself. Onceyou get to a point where she is dealing with feelings/R/emotions 'normally' then read them openly, leave them where they lie, but still would not suggest(she reads force) them.
I think every day. "If she would just read DR, she would get it and know that we will make it." But I know it will seem forced (rightfully so...respect your W's feelings...but that;s for another day).
I hope I dod not hijack your thread. Keep the faith, play your cards close to the vest, and smile, you're looking good

[Matt-14]

I would agree with DLT1 keep the books to yourself. My W saw my books as me trying to fix her. Didn't go over well, it just pushed her further or reinforced her negative thoughts.

Matt

[Steel_Box]

I'm back. Took the weekend off so to speak. Thanks for the thoughts.

Heimlich,
Yeah its too bad I hadn't registered yet, I definitely could have been using the BB to my advantage then. Maybe next time your down we'll arrange those beers. Thanks for the link, I'm going to take a look at the book.

dlt1 & Matt,
I agree that for now I'm not going to bring up any of the books. A little down the road I may leave the 5LL out at my house where she might see it and browse, but I don't really think I will ASK her to read it. I don't plan on showing DR to her at all. I have been kind of thinking of it as my "cheat sheet". I think that if she read DR right now, she might see my changes and actions as a "intricate plan" rather than a true attempt at change.

[dlt1]

Good call Steel. With luck she may ask you about the 5LL book. You should feel free to read it in her presence (or say be reading when she comes home). If she asks, tell her what it is, and simply say "It's pretty insightful for me. Take a look at it if you want."
Leave it at that, Shouldn't be construed as pushing it on her thsi way.

[Steel_Box]

I've been reviewing some of our recent conversations and I've noticed that one thing has popped up a number of times now. W has talked about me and other women. First to get things straight, there hasn't been any. She has brought it up several times now in differnet ways. One time she made a comment about how she was sure that women had been giving me their numbers. Another time during a conversation she brought it up and explained how she understood and wouldn't freak out and create some sort of scene if she saw me out with someone. She has also commented about "who is she to tell me that I couldn't go out with someone if I wanted to". And most recently, during our date this weekend it came up again.

The first couple of times it came up was early on and I wasn't really sure where things with us stood (not that I really do now either), so i just played it off some but allowed some mystery and diverted the conversation with out really answering the question. The last time when it came up was a fairly intimate moment (not that kind of intimate ) and it seemed out of place and vulnerable. I just looked at her and told her to stop worrying so much about that.
I don't know if this a way to try and find something I've done to be able to point the finger and ease her guilt or something else.

I'm not sure where this is coming from or if it is something to try to understand better. Does anybody have some experience with this,

[sadhearted]

My H tells me I should move on. Maybe there is a perfect guy out there for me. Why do I want to save our marriage when there could be someone better out there for me.

It's never anything about HIM moving on or finding someone else. Don't know why he thinks I want to or will be the one to move on. Maybe they do it to help their guilt. If we move on first then they can somehow feel less guilty about putting us thru this. I don't know.

[Steel_Box]

Thanks sadhearted.
The part that confuses me is that it seems to be coming up more lately since she has announced that she wants to work on the M. Things have been much improved between us as of late, and this just seems out of place with the rest. This weekend we actually went out of town together for the night, and this comes up.

[sadhearted]

Well I hope you continue to get your small steps that lead to restoring your marriage. It'd be great to here of a recent success.

I can tell you my H also made the statement what if I come back and you decide you don't want me or this anymore? So maybe she's feeling the same way. I know sounds kinda nuts that we'd hold out get our spouses back only to then turn around and say um no thanks. I responded with do you really think I'd be trying to save our marriage if I didn't want it? If I had wanted to boot you out I would have done it 3 times ago. (he's left 5 times now) Only one other was an actual seperation. When I said that he just laughed.

So as crazy as it may sound to you maybe she is wondering if she comes back and tries will you then decide your done.

[PMA_Baby!]

I've been reviewing some of our recent conversations and I've noticed that one thing has popped up a number of times now. W has talked about me and other women. First to get things straight, there hasn't been any. She has brought it up several times now in differnet ways. One time she made a comment about how she was sure that women had been giving me their numbers. Another time during a conversation she brought it up and explained how she understood and wouldn't freak out and create some sort of scene if she saw me out with someone. She has also commented about "who is she to tell me that I couldn't go out with someone if I wanted to". And most recently, during our date this weekend it came up again.

The first couple of times it came up was early on and I wasn't really sure where things with us stood (not that I really do now either), so i just played it off some but allowed some mystery and diverted the conversation with out really answering the question. The last time when it came up was a fairly intimate moment (not that kind of intimate ) and it seemed out of place and vulnerable. I just looked at her and told her to stop worrying so much about that.
I don't know if this a way to try and find something I've done to be able to point the finger and ease her guilt or something else.

I'm not sure where this is coming from or if it is something to try to understand better. Does anybody have some experience with this,

She could be projecting or she could be jealous of the thought of you with someone else. Did she ever act jealous before?