Well I was wondering why H wanted to talk so badly before the CA. I e-mailed him and told him I would meet with him but I'd like to know if it is just friendly conversation or if he's about to drob a bomb on me. Either way I asked him to call and we'd talk about it. I just couldn't sit around until Friday wondering what something new he needed to say before we go to counseling.
So after our conversation the gist is that he been doing a lot of thinking about why he is feeling this way and our entire relationship and things are becoming clearer for him (towards divorce, not reconciling.) I held it together on the phone and did not cry. We talked about our expectations of counseling and he pretty much just wanted to make sure that I didn't think we were going to counseling to save the marriage. I told him that I know that he doesn't want to work on the marriage but that I still want to go because I think having an unbiased professional listen to us is a good idea. I know this counselor is pro-marriage so that can only help.
I feel shattered today because we have only been seperated one month and he is now so much closer to the divorce decision. I knew he was leaning that way when we seperated but I just think it is so fast to make a decision. I have been praying feverishly, reading books, and putting so much of my focus into saving this and I feel like he is already out the door! Like I'm not even going to get a chance to show any 180s. I have always felt like there is still and hope and unfortunately that seems to be dwindling. I need more time to deal with this. I feel like everything is moving so fast. If there is a shred of hope someone please let me know. Maybe I should read some success stories.
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
First....I know what you are going through....the emotions must be overwhelming. If your H wants to go through with a D, then you have to see it as that. But I want to tell you, as many more will say after I post here, that you will be OK in the end. Don't hold out hope for the M anymore - it will consume you. But instead hold out hope that you are going to make it through this. We all are. I know you want to hear something different, but you also need to be ready for whatever comes your way, OK?
I hope that these words will give you comfort. We are all here to support you, we support each other. And while we are all trying to work on our M's......we also need to work on ourselves. You need to take care of you.
When you go to counseling...be open. It's OK to hurt, and cry, just be you. I know how much it hurts for you right now....trust me, I know. I am sorry that you are going through more of the "bad" stuff.
You will get through this.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I know how you must be feeling, but you do have hope. And as for showing 180's, why not show them in counseling?
Agree with him--validate--as much as you are truthfully able to, and maybe a bit more than strict honesty requires. Listen very carefully. Pay him a few understated compliments when it is your turn to talk about your feelings about your marriage.
Don't cry, however tough it gets, and try to conceal your anxiety. In other words, don't come to counseling unprepared, and don't do what comes naturally--which, I guess, would be to feel a deep hurt and betrayal, and to show it. Try to pretend that you aren't the rejected wife, but a good, sturdy, non-judgmental friend who can be told anything.
Try not to be shocked or surprised by anything he has to say. Although I don't think that he will admit to having another attachment--and I don't think that you should ask--I think that there is a chance that this is the case.
You've gotten a lot of good advice from other posters. Maybe someone who's had good counseling experiences will have something to say about DB'ing at the counseling session. I'm just winging it here, never having had a decent session in my life...
But I just KNOW you have a good chance of mending your marriage. Think of how short a time you've had to work on it. You've already managed not to cry on the phone. For someone so early in the process, that is a tremendous achievement. Think about how quickly you've sought help. Many of us were floundering for months, and lost precious time. So you're doing quite well!
Thanks to both of you. I really can't lose all my hope right now. Without it I am not okay. I'm going to start seeing a therapist on my own as well as the MC. I have to find my way through this and I think I'm going to need help.
Friday's meeting with H is going to be really hard. He can't even get through a talk about our R without crying so it is nearly impossible for me to see him cry and not do the same. I think I will make it a short meeting. If he just wants to tell me more of the same I think that I should just tell him to do what he feels like he needs to and politely leave. I'll save the tears for the car ride home (well my new home anyway.)
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
This is his e-mail after our conversation on the phone today. I'm crushed all over again. This is so hard.
Jill,
I am sorry. I am sorry that all of this is happening. You made a comment that you know that I am not willing to work on the marriage, but the more I have thought about this and where I am with everything, I feel that that window has passed for me. I know there are probably aspects of this that I will never be able to explain totally to you…and even if I am able to get all of my thoughts out verbally, I doubt that you will ever understand completely because we are in two different places mentally and emotionally.
I am not going to try to explain any of this via this email; I just want you to know that I am sorry.
I will talk to you on Friday.
How can he just let go like that?
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Like jackw said...it might just as well be a form letter...
Don't be discouraged by that E-mail. A sad confusion, with a slight relish for drama, is all I get from it.
I hope that, when your spirits rally a little, you'll change your mind about giving up so easily in the meeting.
Think of it this way: YOU KNOW what your H is going to say. You know what he's going to do. He thinks that he knows what you're going to do, based on your previous responses. The two of you are going to dissolve in tears, he thinks.
Why not surprise him? It will mean struggling to get yourself in check. You can cry, and he can cry--but stay. You can gently hand him the Kleenex box. Say things that will be soothing for him to hear: "I DO understand what you're saying"..."I've thought that myself"..." I hear you"....Listen and validate.
In the early stages of my breakup, I'm not sure that I could have done this myself. I think that the usual impulse is to try to find the magic words that will keep the other person from running. But there are none. If there's any magic at all, it's in how the process of allowing the other person total freedom of choice, freedom of thought, and freedom of action can turn out to be surprisingly baffling for them.
Reading success stories is always good. There are some near-successes and complete successes on the board right now.
Also, your H's sadness might be considered a plus. No one could be that unhappy without some sense of guilt and confusion. And if he's confused, it's just a baby step to being uncertain.
I don't have a success story but I thought I could give you a little hope. Just remember, hope is everything right now.
When my H left, he used to say the same things. Divorce, divorce, divorce.....29 months later, we are not divorced. I think in the beginning they have it so stuck in their heads that they want a divorce that they don't think about anything else. Once they have time to think things through, they change a little. Your H seems to be going through the stage of not knowing what he wants. Give him space and see what happens.
Do not talk about the relationship or anything else right now. Go to the CA and see what happens. Don't expect anything from him in regards to being different after the meeting. Let him leave there and give him time to let everything sink in.
It takes a lot of time. You need lots of patience (which is sometimes very hard). If your H says something that upsets you, think about something that makes you happy. It helps to deal with it.
Try to stay busy and not think about things. As I tell everyone, think positive.
