Well, I'm a long time reader, first time poster... Last week my W moved back home and while things were rocky, it seemed things were getting better. That is until she came home one day with hickies. She tried to hide them with make up... and lied that they were from before she came home, but in the end confessed that she was seeing him again.
Now I'm trying to figure out-- do I give her yet another chance, since she really seems like she's trying to get over him, and let her move back in... or stand up for myself (something all my friends are telling me to do), asking her to pack up until she's ready to give him up. I feel like her she's almost over the OP... but now I'm worried that she may not get the message that this isn't a game.
Me - 29, W - 27 T: 10+ yrs M: 6+ yrs EA: 4/16/07 PA: Soon After
Interesting that she wanted back with you and is still openly involved with OM. I say kill her and him, then live the rest of your life on the run......OK I guess that would not work.....I think you need to ask yourself a few questions, but first you need to try and answer them as detached from your W as possible.
Are you letting her back in the house out of fear of losing her?
Are you being a doormat?
Do you feel that she really is ALMOST over the OM and is going to recommit herself to your M?
I ask these questions because I was gripped by the fear of losing my W and made bad decisions because of it. My advice is to look into yourself and define who you are and then make your decisions based on that. Do not let fear and anxiety rule you or your decisions. GAL, figure out who you are and stick with that. My hope and prayer is that your W will recommit herself to you and your M. But your M got into the state that it is for a reason, and you are 50% of that reason. Who is Hopefilled? What does he want? What does he stand for? If you feel you should ask her to leave again because she is walking all over you then you know your answer......
It's possible that this was OM's last desperate attempt to keep her. If this is the first time you've seen hickies then he may have been trying to sabotage the reconciliation.
That's not to excuse her behavior, just going along with your feeling that it is "almost" over. If you are willing to forgive her for the affair then you also need to be prepared for some separation pains.
Definitely make sure W knows that seeing OM is a deal-breaker when it comes to her living with you. No "just friends" or "just lunch" or "just talking."
I want to thank you guys for the advice! I have certainly been on a rollercoaster over the last few weeks... and just when I think it's coming to a stop the turns get faster.
Well, since I last posted... I put a lot of thought into who I am and what I'm doing. Throughout this whole thing I've tried to be filled with hope and tried to leave that with her. After the last problems... I decided to give her another chance, hoping to get her away from the OM and on with dealing with our issues. I laid out a plan, where she could stay at our house to work things out... but that she would need to take action in stopping the affair. I encouraged her to change her number, come up with a list of friends she could rely on during the tough times, etc.
She ended up deciding to stay elsewhere... saying that she really wanted to work things out before coming back. That sounded like a good idea and things seemed to be going pretty well... and who knows maybe they are-- but I've developed a sixth sense about these things after sifting through the lies so many times and I've started to feel that she's not being genuine about trying. To start, we talk less now then when she was "having the affair." She says she staying with a family who are friends of her family... but I drove by their house (probably shouldn't have, but I needed reassurance that she was being truthful) and her car wasn't there.
Now I'm at a point, where I obviously still want to save my marriage... but if she is continuing to lie to me-- I feel I have no option but to stand up for myself and respect what I believe in. I believe in truthfulness and fidelity. I believe that I've given everything I can and need to find someone who can see all of the qualities that I bring to the table.
It's tricky right now, because I've been trying to give her the space I thought she needed to decide it was the marriage that she wanted. If she's being truthful, I could damage the progress we've made so far. Still I feel like I need to know the truth--whether she's being truthful or not for sure-- so that I can take action and move on with my life. If she's being truthful, then maybe this marriage can be saved. If she's not, then I feel like I've got to move on.
It's scary for me to say that... because it sounds like I'm the one who wants the divorce now. How did that happen?
Me - 29, W - 27 T: 10+ yrs M: 6+ yrs EA: 4/16/07 PA: Soon After
You CAN"T makes her stop seeing the OM. SHE needs to decide this. If you really want to be married to her ya got to give it MORE TIME. Start doing thing for your self by your self. It’s called Get a Life. Show her you do not NEED her. Your really don't. But like would prefer to be with her. Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
You need to get a life. Go do things on your own. Join a bowling league, go skydiving, go fishing, join the Elks club, learn to fly an airplane... the list is endless. But until you can demonstrate to your WAW that you have moved on (meaning you are comfortable in your own skin, and will not hesitate to do things on your own), you are going to make minimal progress. You will be viewed by her as being weak until you get a life of your own, on your own.
It's a respect issue. She clearly has no respect for you right now and if you tolerate this action she will get worse. Don't get angry but let her know that you don't deserve how your being treated and that if she was serious about working this out she wouldn't have even contemplated meeting him.
Your wife indicated to you that she wanted to try to reconcile. Now its up to you to set the rules for what your new relationship may or may not look like.
Is it okay for her to see other people when you get back together? If not then you need to make it clear to her that you are not open to working on the relationship if she has any contact with the OM. Let her know you understand how difficult breaking all contact with him might be for her, but its non-negotiable if she wants to give your marriage a shot. She needs to prove to you that she is invested in your marriage.
What are you saying to her if you allow her to ride the fence, saying one thing, and doing the opposite?
I would also suggest that you and her read After the Affair - if you can do it together and discuss the chapters as you read them, it could help in the healing.
So my wife moved back after promising to break off communications with the OM. On the second day I checked her phone and found that she had been talking to him again. I confronted her... and told her that she needed to move out.
We ended up in a lengthy conversation about her feelings.. and she had a chance to be "honest". She said that she hasn't had feelings for me for many many years, that sex hasn't been satisfying for her, and that the reason she came back was because she felt obligated (by family, religion, etc). The OM apparently satisfies her needs, espessially the sexual ones (he is apparently much more experienced). Still she knows he's not good for her and is trying to figure out whether to leave him.
I've decided it would be best allow her to move forward with legal separation and to get a life. I pray that she'll realize what she's lost before it's too late...
I believe that passion (emotion and sex) can be brought back... if she tries. It was strong when we were dating and our early marriage.
Do you guys think there's a point at which a W can be two far gone to even try? Obviously, while she's involved in the PA, she can't really reconsider our marriage. Still I'm concerned because... she says that her feelings stretch so far back and that she felt sick while making love (a point that was particularly hard for me to hear).
She still thinks I'm physically attactive and sees me as her best friend... but feels that the passion is so far gone that it's not worth putting effort into the relationship. I think by perhaps going dark, she'll realize that I was providing for many of her needs.
Me - 29, W - 27 T: 10+ yrs M: 6+ yrs EA: 4/16/07 PA: Soon After
Well, it's been a while since I last wrote... and a lot has happened... a lot of ups and a lot of downs. But mostly I've been trying to GAL.
Everytime I think that things are really over... something happens and I get pulled back in. After discovering my W was still talking to the OM, I put my foot down and told her she needed to decide what she wanted. If was him, she needed to move out. It was a little awkward that week, because her brother was coming to town and was planning on staying at our house. Anyhow... we didn't talk until he arrived. She wanted to welcome him and I was fine with that. My brother-in-law, his friends and I had made plans to go to a water park for the day (without her)... but she started saying she'd rather skip out on work and come with us. I happened to have an extra ticket, so I invited her to come with. When she got there, it was weird because she wanted to go ride rides with me... instead of hanging with her brother. We ended up talking about our R while waiting in lines (it may have been a little too much, in hind sight), but it was great to be with her again.
Anyhow the next day we had all planned on going to a concert together... so we went. That night she was treating me horribly, even though I was doing everything I could to be a gentleman. To give you an idea of how bad she was treating me-- it started to pour and she pretty much blamed me for not remembering rain gear. When I went and bought a poncho for her, she was ungreatful... and didn't want me to try to help her warm up. I ended up confronting her... guessing correctly that she was trying to be mean to me... so that I would stop trying to save the marriage. I told her that she didn't need to treat me meanly... I already knew how she felt after she started sleeping with the OM. Well, we left the concert with the understanding that it was over.
That didn't last long. She went to a seminar that weekend (it was a four day thing meant to empower people and it's sort of like "The Secret") Anyhow, during this seminar she decided that she wanted to focus on saving the marriage. No body told her that she needed to do it.... there was no pressure... it was something that she decided. So she calls me on Sunday night and tells me that she's decided to save the marriage... and that she wants to move back. Well, I had decided that I wasn't going to allow her to come home unless she changed-- and it really seemed like she had changed (the red flag should have been that she called from and stayed the night at the OM's house that night). So she moved back on Monday... and seemed sincere about giving things a try. That Wednesday there was a graduation ceremony for the seminar attendees.. and I went with her. Afterwards she told me that she had decided that she wanted him and that our marriage was over. I wasn't completely in the dark,,, some friends from her work had told me that the OM had delivered flowers to her work that day-- so I figured something was going to happen. We had a long talk that night... and I told her to really think it over before making the decision to move out again.
The next day she called me and said that she still felt strongly about saving the marriage and was going to be dedicated to it. Apparently the OM showed up at her work again... and this time she told him that it wasn't okay. That day, she changed her cell phone number... and I thought, okay finally she's going to work on the marriage. Well, that night she called me and told me that she was moving out again. That it didn't have anything to do with the OM, but the marriage was over.
This time, I was so so upset... after she left with her essentials I packed up the rest of her stuff and left it for her in our living room. She took the next day off work and picked it all up and moved back with him... although she told her parents that she moved in with his parents (not that it really matters either way).
Again... you'd think that was the end of the line, but last week she started emailing me about financial stuff... and the next thing you know we're talking about the R again. On friday we met with our realtor to get the house on the market... and afterwards we ended up talking... and she said that she missed me and that she wasn't sure about selling the house, because she's not sure if she'd want to live here or have a fresh start if we get back together. That's probably the most hopeful thing she's said in a while. She also made it clear that she wanted to seduce me... acting sexy and such. I'll just say that I have a very hard time resisting her. I told her that while she sounds hopeful now, we'll see how she is at the end of the weekend. As I expected, I didn't hear anything.
This week we spoke back and forth a few times by email and phone. She got really jealous when I added a girl that I liked in high school on my myspace page...but she has no qualms with having the OM on her page. Maybe a little jealousy would be good for her. I certainly have been enjoying talking to my old friend... but I do worry about moving on too far, if there's even a chance that my W will come back.
It was clear that she misses me... and she even said that she had a strong urge to wear her wedding rings this week. She also has said that she can't bring herself to actually turn in the divorce paperwork. I'm a sucker for the little glimpses of hope she gives me... and I think she's playing games. She wants her cake and eat it too.... by having both the OM and me around. I just want her to realize that she's risking losing a good thing. I've thought a lot about going dark with her... hoping that she'll miss me.
Now she's applying for several jobs out of state. She says she wants a fresh start. I think that might be the best thing-- espessially if she gets away from the OM... but then again, I'm terribly worried about the distance and about her meeting a new group of guys. I think if I keep working on GAL... that things might work out... but I keep getting pulled into the emotions. I really do want this to work out... despite everything that's happened.
Do you guys think going dark is a good idea? Should I consider the After the Last Resport technique... and perhaps file for separation before she files for divorse. Am I crazy or a doormat for continuing to want her... when she shows so little respect for me?
Last edited by HopeFilled; 08/25/0703:41 PM.
Me - 29, W - 27 T: 10+ yrs M: 6+ yrs EA: 4/16/07 PA: Soon After
