Where does he sleep?

[mkultra]

Please tell me that it does not matter where they sleep once they have moved out. They could have a bachelor pad, sleep at their parents', stay at a friends' or new lovers'. Tell me it does not matter as long as they have decided to move out. Then why does it drive me nuts? My H has little to no money for a rental so he is couch surfing but he keeps his things between our house and his aunt's. She calls me to see if he is with me at night. No. "Well, he is not here either." Great. Thanks for letting me know that my H is sleeping at some mystery place and lying about it. Just great. Why does he lie about it? Is he ashamed? Should he be ashamed? Should I tell him I know he is lying the next time he says he is sleeping at his aunt's? Does it even matter? I mean once he gets an apartment he is completely free, right? AAArrrgggh. I guess the hardest thing is that a trial separation is turning into a divorce and the wheels are set in motion and it does not seem to be slowing down.

[mkultra]

My H fell asleep at our home today after an early dinner out with the kids and me. The kids actually get hyped up when he does this. It is like Daddy's coming home again! They get all sweet and bring him a blanket and read quietly. They put on their jammies and hope he will read them a story before he goes to work at the late shift. We snuck upstairs to watch a video in my bedroom and we kept the volume down so he could nap on the couch. Little tykes. I did nothing to provoke their cuteness. An hour later I went down to get my son's sippy cup and I noticed his car was gone. He left without even saying "Goodnight", no "goodbye." My son cried. I was a little disappointed also. I think this is just a sign of the cold front we are about to endure.

[indybyathread]

Wow! This really hit home with me. Mine has been moving from one friend's guest room to another for a few months. I finally convinced him to at least spend his time with the kids (we made an informal separation that included custodial responsibilities and had it notarized) here in the home. I turned my office into a spare room and said it was his to use whenever he wants it.

He is dead set that he is getting his own place as soon as he can afford it. In the meantime, I was able to convince him that it was confusing for the kids to never know where he will be staying from one visit to the next. Last weekend was our first experiment with this and it went really well. I did my own thing, stayed out of his way, accepted some but not all of his invitations to join them for dinner or activities. It was nice. I almost felt married again.

Since then, he has been even more cold and distant than he was before the weekend. It has been all I can take not to ask him what his problem is. I think I know though. I think it was nice and he did feel comfortable and he hates that he felt happy at home. Mine is going through the classic MLC and extremely stubborn. He does not want to entertain the idea that his assertions that he can only be happy when he has had a chance to live alone and find himself could be wrong. The notion that home might actually be a better place to find oneself is eating at him, I think.

So, as much as I want to point out the nice time we had and ask him to spend even more time in his new room, I will just keep acting "as if" I don't care where he is, so long as he is present when expected for the kids. Man it is tough though. Hang in there!

[SallyM]

of course it matters! I'm sorry, I can't tell you it doesn't. it does, on so many levels. unless you are willing and ready to D, I don't see how it doesn't matter.

in my case, right now, H is living with his mom. that is okay with me. trust me, if he moved in with OW, that would very much matter. even if he was moving around from place to place, it would matter to me. maybe the latter because we have kids, I don't know.

I have to say, I have drawn many lines in the sand over the past few months that he has had no problem crossing. I, idiot that I am, have stepped back pretty much every time, and drawn a new line (like it matters). but this is a line I don't think even I could step back from.

listen, in my book, its common courtesy, especially when kids are involved. and as for why he is lying, well, honestly, its because he is an ass. sorry, for me it all comes down to that. if he was any kind of man, he would own up and face whatever consequences come his way. or maybe he's just an ass in that he knows it gets to you, the not knowing, so he's playing with you. there is always the off chance that he is ashamed, but again, why hide that? is one place so much better than another?

honestly, about confronting him, only do that if you are willing and ready to face whatever might result.

good luck!

eta, no way in hell would I let him fall asleep and let the kids think he was "home." I know it was adorable at the time, but omg, in the kids minds, daddy is home again, and I am not playing that game. even this weekend is going to be a bit conflicted for me. I'm going to NYC on a girls weekend, and H is going to come here to stay with the kids. Now, they know he is not home and won't be deluded into thinking he is...we've talked about it with them. but at the same time, part of me is even wondering if that is a good idea.

[mkultra]

It really does put the kids through the ringer. He has pretty much detached. He acts as if it does not matter if I am there or not.

Hey Indy, we are in the same sitch with the "Playing House" scenario. My H also gets extra bitchy afterwards in a stubborn attempt to remind me that we are not a happy family. It is sad because we actually act happy and not for the kids. We have a similar sense of humour and the same values so we can talk about those things. It is the practical stuff we cannot talk about. His parents are also staying at his Aunt's this week. They will act in denial too. No one dares confront him about where he spends his time. Most likely vagabond couch surfing. I really doubt he is sleeping around. Not because I know him anymore, just because of practical reasons.

[indybyathread]

It is really tough when you are all together functioning as a family again and then he leaves, isn't it? Since my H first started mentioning being unhappy he has been doing this thing where he seems confident and sure when I feel miserable. If I am crying and promising to change, etc, he is right there saying that everything is going to be OK over time, I just need to let him have some time to work on himself, that none of this is me, etc. The minute things start making sense to me and I start feeling OK about things, he does a complete about face. Suddenly I am pressuring him and expecting too much and I shouldn't be looking at a future together because he just can't see that happening, etc.

So, the DB changes in me have him totally confused because, I am never begging, always calm. When he's here, I don't try to ask him about US. We have a very nice time together and I avoid any personal subjects. He enjoys himself and feels at home here. Then I think he panics at the end because he feels like he is giving in. He thinks I am winning somehow but he can't quite figure out what the game is.

I'm getting better at it the longer I keep it up. I am frequently surprising myself with my restraint. Each day I get a little stronger and a bit better at acting as if mine is a very happy home, with or without his presence. He can be here or not. It is up to him and I don't care whether he takes advantage of that happy place or sits around on some co-worker's couch pathetically wishing he had a private place to go.

[mkultra]

OK, we are going throught the same thing. I think it is a power struggle with a lot of ego. Here is my question: I still let my H know that this is our home and we want him to come back home. I never pressure or bring it up, I just talk like that in general conversation. Like, "Do you want me to bring the swimsuit to swim camp or leave it at home?" I do not say my house, but he does now. Oh so contrived. I also ask where should WE plant the new tree or hang the kids new photo. You may have heard that my H is house hopping and his hosts are talking bad about him to me now. I think he may have to move in with his parents or shack up soon. Pathetic. I am so glad I have a home for me and the kids.

[indybyathread]

I totally understand what you mean about the irritation that comes from hearing them say things like, "Do you mind if I use YOUR phone?" Makes me want to smack him! And I agree, it is contrived, their making a statement when they do that. I have put my foot down about being called "Dear". He is first generation American with very English parents. He frequently says things to other people in a somewhat affected way, as in ending a phone conversation with, "All right Dear, you take care." I flat out told him that if he says that to me one more time I will rip his Adam's apple out of his throat. I don't care if we never live together again, I'm not going to be treated as an aquaintence after 16 years of sharing a bed with the guy.

I think you are doing the right thing. Don't let him force you to start labeling things as yours and his. Unless, that is, if it fits your program. For example, I had the fortune of having a spare room I could set up for him. I WANT him to think that I no longer consider my room his because I want him to feel like he can stay in that other room without feeling pressured to sleep in "my room". Guess it just depends on what it is.

You are doing great! Keep it up!

[mkultra]

I gotcha! He saw the plnas from a designer I hired for my/ oops OUR home. He was so impressed how beautiful the home could be. I was so happy he like it. I added, "I mentioned to the designer that my HUSBAND wanted multilevels in the front garden. My HUSBAND likes wine country gardens." My H actually looked happy I talked like this. It seemed like a good sign then he turned and said. "Where are YOU getting the money for the landscaping?" Back to square one. Every now and then he will slip about OURplans together then switch gears. My D6 said how Mommy will live with her when she goes to college. He asked, "Well, what about Daddy?" Did he forget?

[indybyathread]

He didn't forget. He wants it all. He wants to stick to his ideas of what he thinks he needs and he wants to keep what is familiar and safe. Stick to your plan. I think you might be seeing signs that it is working. He can't give up his ideas just yet. The point is that he still, deep down, wants what he knows is better for all of you. Give time a chance to show him the way. Hang in there!