CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

[stillme]

Originally Posted By: CVA
What comes around, goes around I guess. I have been a jerk / ass and its coming around.

CVA, what I thought of when I read that was my feeling the exact way a few months ago. Like you, H & I have been S for 4 months so we parallel some there; but I couldn't find where exactly you may have said when the Bomb(s) hit and/or when you started DBing efforts. In any case, I'm thinking you'll work thru the I'm To Blame Phase (on your own time, o/c) & know, not only in your head but in your heart that it wasn't all your fault/issues/problems. Others told me to stop blaming myself; stop acting the victim AS WELL AS the martyr (funny how that works!) & I didn't see it until later. You'll get thru this. It's overwhelming in the moment, but does not - cannot - last forever.

Also, great kid you got there. Obviously very bright & sympathetic, with a sweet heart. Good job to you.

I certainly agree you should spend some alone-time w/the kids (one-on-one, or all at the same time) as often as you can arrange. It will not only allow W the space she's after, but give you some connection-time w/your "babies" (and, yeah, I know how old they are; but they will always be our babies, no?) YOu need it, and they need it. And you deserve it.

Being tired and being away (from 'home' or otherwise) is tough. Hang in there, try to stop negative thoughts (at least for this time away) & post. We're here to listen.

j

[Not Much Left]

Still
Thanks for you thoughts here. They mean a lot. SO tired dont know where I am. Seriously, I am in NY and it is getting late again.

Journaling.
Have to be out of town thru Fri. I will definitely spend some time GALing when I get to Vancouver Fri. After my meetings, I am going to enjoy the city, it is beautiful there this time of year.

When I landed, it was around 8:30 pm Texas time so given I did not know when the kids were going to bed, I called. I wont get caught up in the call/no call stuff when it comes to my kids. W answered, sounded upbeat. Just asked how her day went....guess what the answer was...."fine". Gee thanks for the detail W.

Talked to the kids. Mentioned to oldest son last night that I wanted to go to Church sunday and if no one else wanted to go, would he like to go w/ me. He is clearly focused spiritually, as last night evidenced. I said, OK, well, lets see if mom/anyone else will go. "OK Dad!"

Didnt get off the phone as quickly as I should have w/ W. Didnt really linger either. Just said "goodnight, have a good night", - "you too" she says. She asked when I would be home, told her "Saturday, why?" I asked. "No reason, just wondering when you are coming back". Nothing to this, after thinking about it.

Oh well, nothing really new, nothing really changing. Sent an email to Ws friends H who I thought I now had a really good friendship with. He has kind of been avoiding me the last few weeks after his W and my W went away for the weekend. A bit paranoid about his pullback from me like something was said that he doesnt want to talk about with me and is afraid he will feel guilty if he is on the phone or in person w/ me. He responded and said he was just really busy at work after his vacation and it is true he has a lot going on at home, just makes me wonder though. I have talked to his W, she was pretty much the same around me and in favor of our M so...

[waw1978]

Hey CVA

Sounds like you had a busy week away from the family. Hope you got to enjoy yourself some while you were away.

H & I were having some trouble with the "family time" thing and have now started to have D4 separately on certain days in addition to some family activities. I find it much easier on me to have this scheduled and limit the "family time" as H was using the "family time" in a manipulative way. IE coming up with things for us to do under the guise of it being "family time" and what he was really doing was trying to get me to spend more time with him than I wanted or needed. Its not easy to balance and I know from listening to my own H that he just wants to spend any time possible with me to show me all of these "changes" he is making. I think it would be a step in the right direction to pre-schedule time with the kids. Also, I know you like being around for the children but this isn't giving your W enough space to miss you and you do need this to happen to get her back.

I also agree with Nomo, that buying a new place right now probably isn't prudent. It may give your W the idea that you are moving on and not committed to working things out since a purchase is permanent where a rental is not. Just my 2 cents.

[Not Much Left]

WAW, just getting to all this after another long day in NY on the road.

Did I miss Nomo saying I should not run out and get a new house? I have to say, I agree as of today. Not a great thought anyway, I just dont want to bring my kids over to a tiny little apt and I have to figure out how to be with them and not W at the same time, all the time.

As of late, I have tried to take them out to Dinner and she has always wanted to come. I have taken just the 3 boys to the movies and on errands to get away from the house. Daughter is a different story. I have to figure out what I can do with her that she will actually want to do w/ just me.

Journaling 7.18.07
Really not much time to think or act on anything today. Called the house to talk to the kids before they went to sleep. They were eating dinner. W answered, very upbeat. In the past, she may have let my oldest son answer the phone so, baby steps?

Again she was upbeat, talked to the kids, she came back on the phone and I said "have a good night", "you too". Asked the very general question "how did the day go?" nothing specific in that is there? W just told me what happened, asked about how the week looked for everyone, she said "may go over to the pool w/ girlfriends and kids tomorrow, dont know", I just said, "if you do have a great time!".

No questions about my day or how my trip was going. Oh well. I got off the phone relatively quickly. I think I did a pretty good job tonight, probably the most detached while being upbeat I have been. Hope this stuff Works!

CVA

[new_attitude]

As of late, I have tried to take them out to Dinner and she has always wanted to come. I have taken just the 3 boys to the movies and on errands to get away from the house. Daughter is a different story. I have to figure out what I can do with her that she will actually want to do w/ just me.

What are her interests? Talk to her and ask her what she'd like to do without her brothers around. She might just want to play a game w/you, go shopping, out to eat, or go to a movie the boys wouldn't be interested in. She's at an age where she will still want to hang out with you, so take advantage of the bonding time before the teen years hit!

[Not Much Left]

Yep, realize the age thing, so I am almost desparate about it. She is my baby and 1st born. I remember cuddling up w/ her when she was 2 and taking naps and falling asleep with her little hands around my face. Awwww.

She is not a big "share her wishes" kinda girl, a lot like her mom. I guess it will just be on me to get it out of her so she does NOT turn into a woman who does not share at all.

Thanks for reading and keeping up w/ me. It means a lot, to everyone here.

[Gone Dancin']

Hey CVA,

Hope the traveling and being away is doing you some good -- that you're making the most of it.

I wont get caught up in the call/no call stuff when it comes to my kids.

I completely agree with you on this one -- this should be a non-negotiable for you. They are your kids and are old enough to value and appreciate your constant contact with them. They need this, as do you.

Mentioned to oldest son last night that I wanted to go to Church sunday and if no one else wanted to go, would he like to go w/ me. He is clearly focused spiritually, as last night evidenced. I said, OK, well, lets see if mom/anyone else will go. "OK Dad!"

I'm not sure if my judgement is correct on this, but maybe you should stay away from asking W to join you guys. I don't know your history with attending church as a family, but it sounds like W needs space, and asking W to go to church could be a little dangerous/uncomfortable because a) marriage issues sometimes arise, and b) it is time where W isn't getting the space she needs. I may be off on this, but I've been following your thread lately and it just seems like a possibility.

I also agree that getting an apt for now would be the best -- I here you about it being a little cramped for the kids when they're around, but one way or another it is only temporary, and shows both good faith and a willingness to give W her space.

No questions about my day or how my trip was going. Oh well

I can empathize with how frustrating and bumming this is. My W hasn't asked a single thing about me, my day, things I'm doing, etc, in 8 months. Just stay upbeat, happy, confident, cool, etc, and she'll begin to wonder and maybe even surprise you with a question about your day!

I think I did a pretty good job tonight, probably the most detached while being upbeat I have been.

Awesome! Keep it up, CVA -- you'll get used to it and will begin to feel better for gaining this self-control! It will work, but will just take more time than you're likely hoping for.

GD

[mamadrama]

CVA, I haven't had a chance yet to read back very far, but I thought I could add something that might be off use. Nearly all girls like to do something special, something 'just theirs'.

Whereas I bet your boys would be happy throwing around a ball at the local highschool or playing a racing video game with you - your daughter will likely be over the moon if you plan or set up something special for her.

It doesn't have to be elaborate, just well thought out so that you're not asking "what would you like to do". Kind of like you're taking her on a date. She may react awkwardly at first, especially if she's not very outwardly emotional (in a positive way, nearly all 11-20 year old girls our outwardly emotional - speaking from experience heh)but she'll treasure these special Daddy/Daughter times. Take her to dinner, go to get icecream, buy her a new purse or earrings from Claire's, ask her questions like you would to someone on a first or second date, plan to redecorate her room with her (my friends and I moved our furniture and teen beat pictures around on a nearly weekly basis).

I'm sorry that you're going through this I hope the babysteps you're seeing keep on coming!

[Heimlich]

CVA, I have two daughters and I try to do something alone with each one once or twice a month. It doesn't have to be anything major -- a walk, helping you cook a meal, a short trip running errands, dinner out. Just something to be alone and, generally, out of the house to give each individual attention. I would imagine that as an only girl, doing anything like that would be something special for her. And, at her age, I think mamadrama's got it right, a "date" night with daddy -- a play or concert maybe, trip to a museum? -- would go over well.

BD

[Not Much Left]

Thanks GD and Mama!
I am going to do something w/ Daughter this weekend for sure now!
GD on the church thing, I actually wonder where she is w/ God right now anyway, she doesnt seem to want to go (no initiation ever anyway as I have eluded to here on my thread, NEVER) so I will just go and see who wants to go.

THanks a bunch, have a good day!