Hi- I just changed my screen name from sadmomof3. Here's a summary of my sitch: H and I will be married for 10 years in September. We are still living together and we have 3 kids, b/g twins who are 7 and a 1 year old. We both work full-time and are extremely busy. We've had some especially bad moments over the last couple of years, but I always thought we loved each other and would work through them and stay together. H has a gambling problem and is in recovery, but I am still have a hard time trusting him. He lost a lot of money and has had 2 major slips that I'm aware of since he told me about his problem a little over 2 years ago. Well, in early May, we had a big fight stemming from him coming home late one night from a GA meeting. Since that argument, he has been unable to tell me ILY and he has changed the way he relates to me. His major issues with me are a lack of intimacy and my temper. He has told me that he is sick of feeling lousy and that he is leaning toward leaving. We've been to 2 JC sessions and 1 each individually, with a C that I don't plan to see again. I found a goal-oriented C and have an appointment for 7/19. I just hope H will come with me.
I've been trying to DB for the last couple of weeks and think I'm doing OK. This whole change in our R has been like a slap in the face to me, I really feel like I've changed my attitude and I'm now a much more patient and positive person. I've been successful at not bringing up the R, but I can't stand the distance that is between us. I want to TALK, really TALK to him, but we don't do that. We don't fight either, but we do talk about lots of non-R stuff (kids, sports, friends, etc.) He's been sleeping on the couch on and off and I realized over the weekend that sleeping in our bed is probably a weekend thing, maybe for the kids' sake?
After a day with the kids on Friday, I told him that I needed some time to myself so I went out shopping alone after dinner. I hardly ever go out by myself at night. It was nice to get out and I bought a few things for the house and the Sex Starved Marriage book (sigh...) So, I've started reading the book and would like to have him read it too. It's a "couples guide", so I know it's written for both of us, but I'm worried about bringing it up since I'm not supposed to start discussions on the R. He NEVER starts R talks- what to do?
Thanks for reading. If you want more background, my last thread is in my signature below.
Hey New-Attitude, I have read the Sex Starved marriage book. I would read it first and then, when things are going a little better then bring up that subject. My mom told me she was bringing down a book tomorrow called When bad things happen to a good marriage(something like that). She said she was bringing it for both me and my W to read. I told her that she could give it to me and I would read it but not to give it to my W. I told her that is just putting pressure on her and it might end up pushing her further away. My wife doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with her and that she doesn't need to be fixed. She thinks people are trying to fix her. I think she would need to say ILY again and really want to work on the marriage before I would recommend any books. I think I told you she read the first chapter of DR becuase I left it laying around. I asked her why she didn't read anymore and she said that she didn't agree with what it said. The idea that peoples feelings could be changed by reading the book.
Would this bring you closer to your H or push him further away? You know better then anyone.
Would this bring you closer to your H or push him further away? You know better then anyone.
I guess I'll know better when I've finished the book. I'll ask myself that question when I'm done with it. What did you think of the book, as someone on the "other side"?
How sweet that you have a mom that would think to bring you such a book. That's great. I haven't said anything to anyone in my family about our M problems. I'm too afraid.
1. My main goal is to trust H, but I know that is not action-oriented enough. I think I need help with what I can do to reach this goal.
2. H and I will talk about the future together, including financial issues, and make plans beyond next week.
3. I'll be calmer, more patient and will work at reducing stress. Get back into a walking routine.
4. H and I will be more affectionate, kiss each other goodbye, give hugs, touches.
5. We will sleep in the same bed every night.
Trip suggesting adding more goals that relate to me alone. Thanks for the input. I'm working on that...
Related to my goals are a few rules I need to keep in mind:
1. Do not initiate any R talks! 2. No snooping! 3. Give him his space. 4. Do not react when he acts angry/pouty. I think I've been doing a great job extending my usually short fuse. 5. Focus on my kids and on creating the best home and family that I can. 6. Come here to journal, read and vent.
I think those are some great goals, especially the ones for yourself!
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
what would make you trust H? what would he have to do in order for you to trust him? What actions will he be taking?
Include the answer to those in your goal of trusting him again.
Hi Trip, That's what I've been having trouble figuring out. What should he be doing to show me that he is not gambling? I guess I will know that I trust him when I no longer have doubts that he is going where he says he's going. He has not been sharing financial information with me either, which makes me think that he has more to hide. Months ago, he told me that he was going to see a free financial advisor through GA and he kept putting it off. I decided to stop asking so I have no idea if he is working on fixing his financial mess (which I believe to be OUR financial mess, but I don't think he sees it that way).
Like the name change, by the way. Forgot to mention it before!
Well, I think as you are still living together, you should have access to that financial info. If he isn't showing it freely, then I would believe him to be hiding something.
What happens when you ask? Did I miss if your finances are separate? If not, then it is both of your issue. Or does he think otherwise because he is the breadwinner?
What happens when you ask? Did I miss if your finances are separate? If not, then it is both of your issue. Or does he think otherwise because he is the breadwinner?
We are both the breadwinners, and make about the same amount of $. I pay all of the bills and he has a certain amount of $ automatically deposited into my checking account with each paycheck, so our bills are all in order and "we" are not in any financial difficulties. Now, "he" has credit cards that he got without my knowledge. After I first found out about the gambling and his huge debt (about 2 years ago), we refinanced our house, paid off the ccs and he cancelled all of the cards, except one with a small credit limit. In retrospect, that was probably "enabling" behavior and I shouldn't have done that, but I looked at it as his debt=my debt. He has had 2 slips tht I know of since that time, but I didn't offer to bail him out financially in any way. I haven't asked about his finances in awhile, but when I did ask, he says he will call, make an appt, blah, blah, blah. He's a true procrastinator in most areas- hey, maybe that's why he's still living here! I have been trying to back off, but it is so hard because I am pretty good with money and I have an MBA in finance. He is the opposite of me in that area. Before the first time that I had found out about his gambling, he forged my signature to get a loan from his retirement account. He also "borrowed" money that I had on my dresser to deposit into the kids' bank accounts (bday and Christmas gifts from the grandparents). Can you see why it is so hard to trust him?
Luckily, you are making cash too and you did change from enabling him that last time, so that's good.
I really don't know what to suggest. Perhaps, if you haven't already, you can talk to some one about this issue of gambling and if there is anything you can do so that you aren't pulled in with him when he hits rock bottom. Sorry.
We've been to 2 JC sessions and 1 each individually, with a C that I don't plan to see again. I found a goal-oriented C and have an appointment for 7/19. I just hope H will come with me.
I have been trying to back off, but it is so hard because I am pretty good with money and I have an MBA in finance. He is the opposite of me in that area. Before the first time that I had found out about his gambling, he forged my signature to get a loan from his retirement account. He also "borrowed" money that I had on my dresser to deposit into the kids' bank accounts (bday and Christmas gifts from the grandparents). Can you see why it is so hard to trust him?