I'm not sure what "resources" you are referring to. I've read everything I can find online about MLC, and Michelle's DR book. I'm picking up "Surviving Your Husband's MLC" tomorrow at bookstore. I'm just hoping for some success stories, or advice on how to weather this storm, or, well... anything!
I'm way out in Maricopa! H works in Scottsdale... thus the need for the upscale lifestyle!
FWIW - Just to tuck this into the back of your mind: You said your H totalled his car New Year's Eve. Concussions can be associated with subsequent depression, or even hormonal imbalances due to damage to the pituitary gland in the brain. I just wonder how much of this is MLC (entirely possible, as he is now rich and therefore attractive to the girls who wouldn't date him in high school) and how much is depression or other issues from the accident.
As for what you can do in the meantime - it's hard when you're pregnant, but DBing can be done. Think high road, think independence, think good grooming. Be the wonderful madonna, great mom, fascinating woman who has let go entirely - let HIM worry about whether he's blown it, and whether he'll be able to get his family back.
Thanks for those kind words Ellie! I am really trying to do and be all those things. But having to suddenly put my life on hold while he "sows his wild oats" is maddening! My mantra to get through every day is "baby steps, baby steps..." Another question, I've already read and implemented DR, should I pick up DB too?
H was not injured in the accident. All damage was done to the undercarriage of the car when he ran into a small tree and the tow truck pulled it off. He was however drinking, failed the breath-a-lizer, but passed the field sobriety test, so the PD let him come home... no repercussions.
AA, I am sorry about your situation. I have an 18-month-old and H checked out on me about 6 months into pregnancy. Has been going full steam in affair and I don't think he cares about me at all any more.
Can you work on building a support system? You will need it. I am feeling quite alone but these boards do help me.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
AA, I followed your thread from Newcomers to MLC and I do want to say a few words of encouragement. It seems there are many women on this board who have been dumped while pregnant or after the birth of their baby so you are not alone with this. I can almost see a pattern in this, but I have read several success stories so don't give up hope.
I am in almost the same boat as you are, my H started his EA right about when I got pregnant and although he tried to be supportive during the first part of the pregnancy, he shut down completely during the last 5 months of it. After the birth of the baby we had a few good moments where I could have had the chance to DB, but at that time I didn't know anything about Michele's techniques. And by the time I found out about DB, we were heading for separation. I sent him away, because caring for the infant and handling his cruel, disinterested behaviour was too much for me. The baby is 6 months old now.
I hink that it is better for you to have him gone for now, because given the state he is in, he wouldn't do you much good, he would only get you down even more. And you should be able to focus on yourself with the baby. You have a chance now, to stop thinking about him, focus on the baby, yourself, go for walks, enjoy the company of your friends, watch movies, enjoy your kids, or anything that can lift your spirit. A good talk with a friend helps soo much.
You don't have to get the DB book, it is the older version of DR. You have every info you need in DR. We are here for you to support you.
Here's a list that was posted on my thread when I came to this board first. It helped me a lot.
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
How are you doing? I wanted to check in and see if there had been any changes in your sitch. I do wish you well! Those tips that Ewe posted for you are very, very helpful. Please take care of yourself; you know how important that is right now!
AA - I completely feel for you and your situation. My hubby left when I was 5 months pregnant and moved back in seven weeks ago when the baby was born in a "roommates only" situation. He is living in the basement but we are successfully co-parenting our newborn and 3 year old. Everyone's advice here is right on target, though I know it's so difficult to hear and to do. If you need to talk, please just let me know. You need a wonderful support system throughout this pregnancy so feel free to vent whenever!
aa Hang in there. It takes time to start feeling better.Do nice things for yourself..Read all you can.. Jim and Sally conways books on MLC are really good..Most libraries can order them through inter library loan..The more I understand that I didnt cause it mlc and I cant change it, it helps me let go to take care of myself and my kids..My changes are consistant with H..He enjoys being with me and talking ..I enjoy our time together which is very limited,but needs to be limited now as I have a lot to do on me...Find women to talk to ..i was surprized to meet a few in my area who suceesfully went thru MLC and H are back and I watched my neighbor go thru it last year..He is still home and he seems normal again..Litlle did I know i would be next!! Good luck R
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
