I've been reading Divorce Remedy and decided to come here for some support. H and I have been married 13 years in August, have a 5.5 year old daughter, a 1.5 year old daughter, and I am 5 months pregnant with our third daughter. H turned 35 in April and immediately started changing. He proclaimed that he felt he was at a crossroads in his life, hadn't been happy for a long time, didn't think he loved me anymore, etc... H began a new job last November that has been extremely stressful on him, but it also raised our income quite a bit and seemed to change him as well. He went from a $4000 car he'd been driving for 7 years to a BMW Z3 that he totalled on New Years Eve. He then got a $24,000 BMW Z4 and is in love with that car. He went from buying his dress shirts for work at JCPenney's and Kohls, to spending $105 and up on his shirts and only shopping at Nordstroms and Macy's.
About 6 weeks ago, on a Sunday, he "snapped" and packed his stuff and walked out. He came back 3 days later after much begging and pleading from me, and he asked that we attend marriage counseling. I agreed of course. After one visit to the therapist, which focused on the fact that I have unresolved issues from childhood sexual abuse, he discontinued therapy. I am continuing to go alone.
Two weeks later, after many nights of him not coming home after work, or leaving and disappearing for hours at a time, drinking, trying to convince me to have an abortion, and continually telling me that he didn't love me, I told him I needed to let him go. I couldn't live like that. He's been out of the house for 11 days.
I believe he is having an EA (at the very least) with a female co-worker. He lied about having to work on the 4th of July to avoid spending the day with his daughters and instead went to a drunken, college music festival.
I have been trying desperately to put the Last Resort techniques into practice the last 11 days, have had some backsliding, but all and all, am sticking to it. It does feel scary "doing nothing" but I am slowly learning that doing nothing is an action in itself.
I have taken responsibility for my role in the breakdown of our relationship. I was so unaware of all the long term effects that my childhood abuse was having on my marriage. I am now working to correct those things, for myself, my girls, and for the hope that my marriage can be salvaged.
EVERYTHING points to a MLC where H is concerned. Its textbook. He even told me he's "miserable wherever he is." He's pulling away from his kids, and even avoiding them... not typical behavior for him at all! He's lost weight. Started smoking again after 6 years. Saying he doesn't want to live the rest of his life for other people.
He's threatened divorce several times, done some research on divorce, but hasn't filed, yet. Since reading DR, I've stopped trying to "get through to him" as I see it is now useless.
Any advice or support is greatly appreciated. I am going it alone right now, and the feeling that my spouse and love of 13 years doesn't love our child that I am carrying is almost more than I can bear.
Go over to the MLC forum. Read the resources on the top of the thread. There are many of us who are going through the exact same thing and you will find alot of support there.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I am sorry, but I tried posting to you yesterday. Maybe my computer shut off. I wanted to say that a new baby should be a joyful event but it can also cause a lot of stress even in the most stable of relationships. Your H probably does feel a lot of stress from work, kids, marriage, money, baby, etc. It does sound classic MLC and the EA is relief from that stress. So selfish and shortsighted, I know! Your top priority is to take care of your health. Can you talk to your parents about your situation? Is the abuse an open topic with your parents? Keep going to counselling if possible. You may try to be supportive of your H while he is going through his crisis. My father actually told me to think of it as I would Terrible Twos or teething, like it is a phase for a child. Awful, I know since you are probably so broken hearted and angry at the same time. It is time for him to be a man and step up but he is acting like another one of your kids.
My H was actually pretty absent during both of my pregnancies. I thought it was a time for me to be spoiled but he was gone a lot! His depression actually began during my last trimester. Our therapist called him on it, "You have been depressed for two years? Your new job started two years ago and you have a two year old? You see no coincidence?"
I am not making light of your situation, but we just saw Shrek 3. There is a scene where the Princess begrudgingly tells Shrek of her pregnancy and he reacts very sorely. My H laughed so loud it was embarrassing! That scene really spoke to him!
Having suffered from abuse myself, a break up can be very hard since we may be attracted to people who we want to make us feel safe. A break up leaves us pretty vulnerable. You need to stay strong and know you are not alone.
Keep up the DBing and stay postive. If anyone offres, help, take it! If you can afford it, get a nanny for your little ones so you can rest.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
