Okay, I've moved out of the house what, 72 hours ago and the change in my H is phenomenal. He's come out of his shell, contacted a bunch of friends, experessed his vulnerability and offered to make social plans with a bunch of them
This is good right??? I'm supposed to be elated. Instead I'm p*ssed. If it were THAT easy, then why didn't he display this behavior sooner? Why does it take the atomic bomb to the head of my moving out to bring about change? Or was he just waiting for me to be out of his space?
I don't know, but my ego's bruised. Why couldn't he have changed when I was around. Why did it take something as drastic as my packing up and leaving to get a rise out of him? Heck, at this rate, if I refuse to talk to him or return his calls, he'll be running triathlons and building bridges.
I guess he's just making a lot of huge strides, and I'm plodding along. Tortoise and Hare (dang - there's that animal anology thing again. Somebody stop me before all the engineers flame me)
Anyway, just needed to vent. I knew I was right that this separation would be good for us both. But geez, not so fast
That is amazing. It is like people "Come Out" of the closet, not in a sexual way, but in search of some kind of freedom. I have also seen people lose their minds on these journeys from a separation. Maybe he is just rallying the troops, which the book says we are not supposed to do. Therefore it sucks when only one person in the relationship has read the book. Why can't we put all of that energy into our marriages instead of our separations? My H and I are working on making our lives better for ourselves but apart not together. It is the most frustrating thing. All the things he never did for me, he does now without me, like going hiking, seeing films, watching concerts. Babies, expenses, work, and excuses kept us from going out together but now it is some kind of priority now thart we are so lonely. So stupid.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
All the things he never did for me, he does now without me, like going hiking, seeing films, watching concerts. Babies, expenses, work, and excuses kept us from going out together but now it is some kind of priority now thart we are so lonely.
OMG! Exactly!
Last night my H admitted that he had become complacent over the years and dependent on my being the initiator, which I had become by default. Apparently this realization hit him the night I left. (I have LOST COUNT how many times he and I had discussions about this very issue when we were together.I mean, back and forth dialogue, the works. The whole time I thought it was sinking in. Guess not! )
What, is this universal among H's? Once you're married you can coast until you hit a boulder?
Of course, this can't happen without the W letting it on some level. So I have to take responsibility for that. Hmmm. Evidently nagging is not an effective deterrent to coasting (Note to self: improve interpersonal communication skills)
How long have you been separated? How long has this new behavior been in place? Do you think it will last? Do you think any of it spite on your H's part? My first H was very transparent that way and spite (i.e. anger & hurt) drove a LOT of his behavior when we split.
Maybe your H read DB and DR. Aren't you supposed to GAL with the spouse leaves? Isn't this supposed to make them want you more? Isn't this supposed to show them you can have fun without them? This 180 he made sure seems to be having the right affect on you.
Aren't you supposed to GAL with the spouse leaves?
If you do it ONLY when the S leaves, that kind of points to your PREFERRING to be without them. Depends on whether the motivation is fear of being alone, or a burst of new energy and exhuberance.
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Isn't this supposed to make them want you more?
Theoretically, but that ain't happening.
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Isn't this supposed to show them you can have fun without them?
What about having fun WITH them? Why hold back while you're together and let loose once you're apart? This helps confirm that being together was not a good fit.
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This 180 he made sure seems to be having the right affect on you.
Hey Towanda, relax and don't worry about it. I think this is totally normal.
My husband left the house 5 months ago. The entire year before that he was like a bump on a log. Only watched TV and movies, only wanted to eat take-out from the same 3 restaurants. Before the separation, we were seeing a psych to get him evaluated for depression. All he kept telling us was that he was a "loner" and just wanted to be alone for the rest of his life.
After he left, he spent 4 nights a week out on the town. Started contacting friends he had not seen in years, traveled, went to clubs, bars, sporting events, concerts, fairs, charity dinners, YOU NAME IT.
Yes, I was totally ticked off. These were all the things I was trying to get him to do WITH ME!!! So, I started to do the 180 as well.
A few months into the separation, while in MC, he stated that he was "lonely" and he has to "fill up his days and nights" to keep his mind off the marriage. It is all just a distraction.
However, during these months, he has found some things that he really enjoys doing. He had NO hobbies or interest before this, so this is a good thing. He needs to go out and find what makes him happy, hopefully so he can come back to the marriage and share those things.
It is not all bad.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
When you're married, you can be paralyzed by a fear of doing the wrong thing and driving your spouse away. In that state, you'd rather do nothing than do the wrong thing. You get all self-conscious while she's in your space.
If the spouse is gone, so is the fear of offending her or losing her... it's already happened. You're free to act without fear, and discover what you like to do.
The ideal situation is to get over your fear and your self-consciousness so you can be yourself and embrace what makes you happy while you're still with the other person. But a lot of people have trouble doing that, and only discover the rewards that acting without being paralyzed by anxiety bring when they're alone. If they're smart, they'll remember those rewards and hang on to that mindset if and when the spouse returns.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Stop worrying about what he is doing. Stop worrying about the sudden change he in himself. You can't control that. Work on you and your changes. Work on getting yourself better. Don't you feel better being on your own and working on yourself? If his changes stick, then isn't that better for the both of you? Worry about yourself and work on the reasons why you left.
He needs to go out and find what makes him happy, hopefully so he can come back to the marriage and share those things.
What a great perspective - thank you!
I've calmed down considerably since last night - I was in quite a snit, partly from physically exhaustion too (got all my furniture moved in last night!!- Me and three brawny friends )
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(Note to self: improve interpersonal communication skills)
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