Some times they are called sex addicts but another counselor I have read....Don David Lusterman in his book "Surviving Infidelity" calls this variant a Don Juana...lots of affairs...most brief...the difference....no shame no feeling of remorse. Maybe confusion...as was said to me...."I probably need help as I have blown a HALF decent marriage".
With all the classic background of a person unable to develop intimacy my seperated ex(my urging...I maybe regret my haste!) had her father leave at near age 2 or 3 and then her mother drop her off one day at the grandparents and leave town for many years! Some classify her as having Sexual Narcissm personality disorder.
What I thought was a good and stable relationship for 9 years(every day started and ended with an "I love you" from her was certainly a sham for 3 years(walk away wife syndrome???) as she says now with great emotion..."you only wanted me for sex".... (Me thinking so you went and had random sex with X???? number of guys instead???)
To summarize...as a newbie out here...aren't these sex addicts/Don Juan and Juanas the toughest to get together with and stay with??? By the way after kicking her out...she is now more involved with her "last" paramour who is the one she really "loves" mopre than ever. As she says..."none of em meant anything till this wonderful man!"(oh he's hitting her by the way. Should I have kicked her out???
There are two wonderful children involved and all sorts of negative repercussions about this seperation...but ..SHOULD I see a small light in the continuing criticism of my attitude towards her during the marriage? Is it worth it to be with this type of person who has high personal sexual esteem but so little general personal esteem?
Well, first of all - be a little careful about psychiatric diagnoses for your spouse. The temptation is clear, and sometimes it's appropriate. However, when a WAS is in crisis, they often APPEAR to have a disorder (like Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder) but really don't.
How do you tell the difference? The spouse who really doesn't have a disorder usually wasn't this way before the affair, and will usually return to normal behavior in a few months or years once the affair is over.
The spouse with a true personality disorder, on the other hand, usually showed signs of it going way back into the past, even early in the R when things were "good".
Now - if your W has had multiple affairs over a three year span, that's suspicious. Was there anything in her behavior prior to those three years, or in her past relationships before you, to indicate a personality disorder? Are there any confounding variables, like substance abuse?
As for whether you should be trying to win her back? That's a tough one. When kids are involved it's usually worth being able to say you did your best to save the marriage. But when a spouse is a true, chronic, serial adulterer - you are putting your health at serious risk by continuing a physical R with them.
Perhaps the correct answer lies in detaching but leaving the door open in case your spouse actually pulls it together and does all the things that it would take to win you back: serious individual counseling, medications if indicated, demonstrating good faith by being celibate for a period of time, etc.
And of course, working on yourself and being the best you can be, learning from any mistakes you may have made in this R, is always the right way to go.
Yes, these signs have been there BEFORE the affairs.
The mother, and aunts have suffered from the same crazy condition. The family always called it BiPolar but I thought it was different.
Per the link I gave you...lack of empathy...always wanting to be the center of attention..to an extreme degree. For example...you give them backrubs...they don't do that!
Both Mother and Aunt had between 3 and 4 marriages in their 20s and early 30s. In their days they were called not so nice words like "SLXXs" Today we call them sex addicts/Don Juanas.
My seperated probably soon to be X was abandoned by Mother at age 8 months while Mom chased local rock stars and she also chased Dad away!
When I met her while probably knowing better realized she was a wild young thing and a "slXX". Didn't care was having fun. A pregnancy and then a relationship building talk where she told me she was from a very family oriented background where Grandparents who raised her had been married 50 years. A swearing of a tremendous commitment to marriage and family despite what I had seen in early relationship. The Mother (4 marriages in 20s) kept out of site and was constantly referred to with Disdain.
Then to find out (as often happens with these Sexual Narcissitic Personality disorders) she was out after a certain period of time(3 years...5 years) pursuing sexual conquest. As marriage approached she told friends one nighters didn't matter, she could stop when she wanted and was in love with me!
My understanding....if a week or a month is stopping then she did well!
At this point....I confess I loved her.(I never knew)...She constantly wanted to be with me...was constatntly jealous(part of her condition I have read) yet was leading a second secret life at night under the ruse of being a bit of an alcoholic.
Now has a tight boyfriend who beats her(YES, she's cheated on him too!) Has admitted there is something the matter with her and not certain she can be with anyone if she doesn't get help for herself! Has done nothing....but work and date the boyfriend since moving out of the house.
In the meantime I would NEVER get back with her except for kids. They are devastated! Yet...I believe this as a second try is doomed to repeat performances. Also she has nearly bankrupted me while pursuing her conquests.
Run for me? Or stay and try to go forward for the kids? From what I read these people lead terrible lives and destroy the lives of their kids.
Ok, I'll be completely honest here. First of all, do you have the children w/ you? What kind of example would their mother be setting if she did come back? If you can raise them by yourself in a much better way than she was raised, it seems to me that that would be the best way to go. I just don't see her changing unless she gets a lot of help. That could take years. I guess I agree, *assume* she's not coming back, get YOUR life together for yourself and your children and do the right thing. If she ends up getting help and comes back a *changed woman* then take it from there. I just don't see staying w/ her for the children b/c she is NOT going to be a good example for them anyway. You are going to need to be their example and make sure that that *other life* that your W is leading is not a part of your children's lives.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Unfortunately with her shenanigans and spending of funds she's wiped me out....I must work a lot to restore business and don't have funds to hire a nanny!
The kids are devastated...one mine, and one hers....I may have to relocate....it's sad...they will be raised the way she was raised...many think she may ask to give up custody and maybe by then I will be back on feet financially.
One counselor/author Mentioned above was nice enough to email me and said for me to invite her to house but only if she was signed up for therapy. Unfortunately she is too busy with boyfriend for that...I had suggested a retrovaille weekend but they insist on affair being over! (as mentioned...she has been MUCH busier than ONE affair also!).
Everyone is losing but boyfriend today!
She put on a great act for 9 years! I thought I had my soul mate and she had a drinking problem(of course as I put in notes on another post here...I NEVER opened my phone records(avoidance?).
