Her getting you to leave your house is the next big step toward divorcing, fulfilling her fantasy just doesn't work any other way -- Even once she does meet him and like him, she can't leave with kids for his rented efficiency halfway across the country, and she doesn't want to up and leave alone. So what does that leave, she has to get you to agree to conspire with her against your marriage, you have to unseat yourself.
She will even offer her future appreciation for you making this selfless selfless gesture, and dangle the idea that it is likely to help your marriage -- she knows what you are dying to hear, a little encouragement, a little wink and smile and peck of a kiss from her. It's all lies.
As for her "space", you can't stop her; she can take all the space she wants, but you do not leave the house. You. Do. Not. Leave. The. House. This may be the most important juncture of your marriage, maybe your life to this point.
Also, don't be abusive, in word or action. Especially action, but don't give her any excuse to charge that you might possibly possibly be unstable or violent, and should be removed. Don't assume she won't try this, even dishonestly, despite how far back you go and the times you may have had together. You stay cool, polite, with a caring disposition. But be absolutely, frustratingly uncooperative.
I feel like I lost yesterday not sure how to approach today. I think Michele would say to be happy. Not sure if I sould appologize for yesterday overall or go on like it didn't happen. I still don't want to be the first to get a lawyer, she hasn't said she wants a divorce yet.
Should I ask her about her making 1/3 of her decision? (alone or him not me) or leave it alone?
I think the finger was a little over board. You need to defuse the sitch. Smile and wave they say. As for today. I would start out with and apology for the way you acted yesterday. Basically "I don't know what cam over me. I am sorry about yesterday" and leave it at that. I she starts in just lessen and smile. DO NOT TALK BACK. Let her vent. If she tries to get to you by acting like she does not care let it go. Then DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT NEEDS AN APOLIGY AGAIN. Let her do what she does but do not play the game. When my daughters were younger the oldest one used to tease the younger one. She would just do something to her to get a reaction. I finely talked the younger one to just ignore what she does. If you do not react it's no fun for her and she will stop. Same thing goes here.
Stay strong big guy it has only just begun for you
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Any suggestions on what to say when she asks me to leave?
Prior she said she would leave and take the kids too. then she said how could you stay here and make us leave. I said I wouldnt let that happen and just wanted her to have to deal with what she is doing. Now I dont think I should leave, BUT how do I tell her rationally? I did say, (before she suggested her leaving), that I wanted to stay till we are divorced and have things figured out. She didnt like that.
I do plan on using the 'how is this help me reach my goals approach' before I speak. Emotions take over.
I need some input on what to say about me moving out. I do not want to move out.
I think I should say that neither of us should have to move out, we are not divorced. I will try to give you more space while you do your thing and I'll do mine.
Good start? Do I need to elaborate on anything? Does it just depend on what she says?
Yes. That is a very good start. You do not have to leave your home. How does your wife know that this man isn't homeless, and using her to get a home? What she is doing is very dangerous. You should not help her with it. But you should not give her the finger either.
1. Your marriage can be saved. She gave you several clues: "...there is no passion." and "...why didn't you change 1 year ago...". She wants to live in passion and excitement and intimacy with you. Most marriages end, not because they are bad, but because they are lack-luster. This OM is a symptom. The disease is she's lost her attraction for you.
2. DON'T MOVE OUT. You can't afford two households. She can't afford to move out. She'll have to divorce you to move out with the kids. She's not ready to do that yet. She's having an affair and wants YOU to move out. The answer is, "Honey, no thank you." If she says that she'll need to move out with the kids, tell her, "You are free to walk out the door, Hun -- I don;t want to keep you against your will -- however, we really can't afford to separate right now. Even if we both wanted to end this today, we would need to live together for a while until we both could get on solid financial footing to live separate lives. Look, until you are 100% sure about ending the marriage, and we are financially stable, why don't we put the separation on hold? Are you willing to revisit this in 2-3 months?"
In addition, moving out would put you at a disadvantage with the kids, legally.
DON'T let her push you out.
If she insists on you leaving, and says, "So you are making US leave?", you say, "Not at all. I'm not making anyone leave. Nor am I asking you to leave. I just want to stay in OUR home with OUR children. YOU are the one confused about our marriage, and YOU are the one ready to pursue an affair with someone else, so why should I leave? Take your time to figure things out. I'm not pushing YOU out the door, am I? I'll give you all the space you need. I'm just asking that you respect my desire to be with OUR children?"
3. See a lawyer. Not to get a divorce, but to know your rights. Can she leave with the kids? Can she force you out? Etc.
4. Stop chasing her, smothering her and talking about the relationship. Take a break for 2 weeks. I'm serious. You are trying to talk her into staying with you. It will only backfire. If I were her, I'd run from you, too.
5. Don't focus on the OM. He's a scum-bag. Only scum-bags steal other men's wives and destroy their families. Don't try to separate them. Don't worry about his background check. The more you try to interfere, the more it will make him look attractive and exotic to her.
6. If he calls, and you see the number, and wifey isn't around, go ahead answer the phone. You are the man of house. It's your home. Don't be afraid of him. Has she now got you afraid of your own telephone? F*ck that sh*t. ANSWER THE PHONE. Take the message. Show him you couldn't care less. Don't berate him on the phone, etc. Don't engage him. When she comes back, tell her, "OM called. He wants you to call him back." Look completely neutral about it. It'll freak her out. Don't show weakness or fear. She and the OM feed on your fear.
7. Most important. Get a life. You have lost your passion for living. That's what's really killing your marriage. You need to have a full, fun and attractive life. If you run around crying and whining about your lost marriage -- she'll run away even faster.
Excercize -- start right away. It'll boost your spirits.
Hobbies --- choose ones that require extreme focus like rock climbing, karate, boxing. These cause to to lose your focus on the marriage problems. In addition, martial arts build your power, confidence and inner ctrength. They encourage self control.
Friends -- rekindle old friendships. Seek new friends. find a group of men who can support you. Don't confide in women about this -- it'll lead to no good.
Start having fun. It will shock her to see you live an fin life. She might want in on the fun one day. She certainly doesn't want in on a guilt-inducing, miserable, clingly, smothering, depressed guy. Go out to the movies with friends. Come home late. Be mysterious.
8. Reclaim you manhood. Strength, honor, virtue, courage, leadership. Stop acting like a miserable, p*ssy-whipped, loser. Your wife will be more attracted to you if you start standing straight and hold your shoulders up. Your wife is crazy right now, she's unstable. YOU need to be the rock. YOU need to be the adult. I know that sounds harsh, but you sound so beaten down right now, I think you need a kick in the a$$.
9. When you talk to her. Listen, validate her feelings, and don't judge. Ask questions. Be curious about her.
