would like some advice

[light switch]

I have never done this before please bare with me.

I have been married for 16 years, we will both be 37 this year. We have 4 children and are going to be grandparents this month. We love our kids!


Firts of all I am ashamed of what I have done in the past. I admit it and know I can't change the past and I can do things the right way in the future. Can't blame anyone for not wanting to help.
I have been unfaithful w/2 different women in my marrage. The first was a bar thing and after I got attached I told my wife I wanted to leave. I left for a day and returned the next, because I thought it was wrong. We talked about everything and life was good, seemed great to be together again, seemed to have a renued interest in each other. The second was a co-worker years later. Started out just talking, then talking about everything. I think she was planting a seed. I think I then started to sabotage my relationship because I was thinking of this slut. I let my wife think it was her, I didn't tell. Did I mention how ashamed I am? She finally found out, I moved in with a friend for a couple of days. Then I went back to my wife, she wanted me back after our long heartfelt conversation. I quit my job went somewhere that had rotating shifts for a year. Shift work is hard on a family. So I went back to my old job. I started seeing her after a month or two. Did I mention how ashamed I am? My wife found out and said if that's what you want then go. I moved in with a different friend for about 3 weeks. Stopped seeing other woman, ended it the right way this time. I was talking to my wife trying to figure this out, we were getting back together. Then she started seeing a guy she met in the bar, for about a week, until I convinced her I was the one for her and could give her what she needs for the rest of my life. She quit seeing him. That was almost 3 years ago. I thought things where ok. She would tell me I wasn't doing enough about every few months. All I ever did was the regular stuff: call her from work, dates every week or every other, I always told her how much I love her, and always told her how beautiful she was. She didn't believe me. I let work and projects around home get in the way me doing things for her.
About three months ago I came downstairs and she was getting ready in bathroom the computer had some messenger open that said "by babe" and has his name on it. She was talking to someone on the internet. She said it's just friends and I said it's marrage threatening and needs to stop. Month later she told me she had stopped for a short time but started again. This is something she has to do. She has to see it through. She wants me out but I won't go. My councelor says that's the first step to divorce. I sleep in the spare room. Now, after large phone bills and stuff she is going to meet this guy July 10th he is coming half way across the country to see her. She barely gives me the time of day. I did all the wrong things(pre Divorce Remedy) notes, poems, cards, emails, even $100 flowers on our anniversary last month.
I have little hope. Divorce Remedy gives me a little more hope. Trying 180 right now. She actually said I seemed better lately.

In my heart I know I can prove my love for her is real. Putting what's important to me first, I know she would feel it.
I realized what is important to me and know it can't be taken for granted.
I wish my light switch would have turned on sooner, it could be to late.

Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading.

[Sara]

I'll try to advise you. Sounds like your are off to a good start. Especially if she notices. It seems to me the hard thing about the 180 is, if the other person's not looking, how can it work? You can work from the books Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and read the topic papers on this site. Especially the quiz, I think that's really good.

Sounds like you basically have a good marriage. Does she know this person, or is it a stranger on the internet? That scares me. People lie about who they are on the internet all the time. I wouldn't go alone to meet an internet friend. (Except maybe the people on this site.)

Anyway, I think in the end, that marriage repair is not a do-it-yourself project. If and when she comes back, you should get some real help.

[light switch]

Strainger. She went on a singles sight lied about where she lived, how many kids, and that she was married. Then later she fessed up to him about who she really was. He was mad but then continued because they had already connected. She is going alone. She allowed me to do abackground chech, apperently he isnt a killer or hasn't been caught. He dousn't want to be the cause of our problems.
I left him a phone message early on and an email about a week ago, telling him no matter if he is here or there, on the interenet or phone that he is chasing a married woman whom I love and know I can show it and that he has to live with what he is doing for the rest of his live (coming between a family) like I have to for the bad things I have done in the past.

thanks for responging

[gracey]

Hi light switch,

I just have to say, I am very proud of the fact that your switch came on. I hope your wife will see this, because it sounds like you two really have a chance. I wished my H light would have turned on months ago, now it is too the point where I am sick of him and want nothing to do with him. He chose OW and left his family of 3 (me and 17 month old twins). I also have a 11 old step-daughter that is having a difficult time with all of this, so he really broke up a family of 5. I wish you the best, and the only advice I can give, is to focus on yourself as much as possible.

[Yoyowife]

You know Gracey, the sad thing is the 11 year old has gone through this twice with her dad. What kind of example is he setting for her... marriage is disposeable?

Light Switch,
I agree with Gracey I wish my H of twenty years would have woke up and figured that his family is more important than OW. We have now been separated for 8 months. He filed for D two weeks ago. You might want to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and perhaps The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman along with Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. I wish you luck.

[light switch]

Thanks Gracy and Yoyowife

I can't wait for her to wake up (if she ever does) to show her that i'm not that guy. FYI, I never new exactly how bad I hurt her and that makes me feel even worse.

I have never been a reader even in high school, but lately that is all I do.
As ironic as this is, it's true, my wife bought Divorce Remedy during our bad times. I remember her having me read a little of it, I really wasn't into it at that time. Couple of weeks ago I was searching for pictures to make my own photo album and found the book, I took it and started reading. I have a little left to read but I have so many post-it notes marking stuff of interest through the book I plan to reread the whole thing. It does give me some hope in these times.
I will check out those books you suggested.

thank you

[light switch]

this happened after work

I am going absolutly insane!

Today I come home from work. I here her laugh through door. I come in and she is on the phone, witch is not unusual these days, I look at her and say who is it and she gives me the look shrug meaning it's him(she doesn't deny it). I went back in the entryway put something down and when I walked back in the house I looked at my 16 year old daughter and said loudly "Honey im Home!". My daughter laughed a little because she sometimes walks in and says that also. Then my wife gets off the phone and says she didn't know what time it was. At that point I should have walked away, I was beside myself, my hands are still shaking.
Some more words where said, not sure what, i'm not thinking clearly. I told her I never stopped loving her. She said how can you love someone who has basicly ignored you for two months. I said I just think about us and how it could be if I was allowed to show it/prove it. Then she got into something about am I just supposed to drop it meaning her new relationship. At that point I finally remembered 180 and said I couldn't talk right now.

This is our house I would like more respect.

What would be a better way to handle this situation?

[light switch]

this I wrote down during work

Any input on some right now problems bothering me.

During the day my wife works at home so she can use the home phone and have OM call her(no charge to us). She keeps going over on our cellphone minuites. (1000 for 4 phones was plenty now 3000 barely covers it) Last night she was even looking for ringtones during billable hours.

They also text all the time (over limit on those too) Tues night family sitting around supper table and her ring for text mess went off. She ignored it. Later I said that's pretty rude him doing that during supper. All she said was how does he know when we eat supper. She will recieve and send texts in the car when i'm right there.

On occasion the home phone has rang and I see its him and don't anser it. Then I ask her why he called when I'm here and the kids are home. More than once she has said he dropped the phone and dialed the wrong number. One time when he called my youngest boy7 answered it and said nobody was there.

She is leaving on the 10th to go see him and wont be back till 15th maybe, depending on how it goes. She is taking a week off. We haven't been apart that long in 18 years.

any suggestions would be appreciated

[light switch]

I guess right now I feel that when I did those bad things that I had to leave. Now that she is doing it I think that she should have to leave. She has always woried about me taking the kids. Hello they are OUR kids and I love them as much as she does. Neither one of us can afford to leave and get another place right now. I hope this never happens but if we do get a divorse there is some 401k money available. neither one of us could afford the house we are in also.
I can't quit thinking about this.
When she left tonight, after i got home from work, she was going to get her hair done, I suppose for next week. I always told her how beautiful she was especially after the beauty salon.

[light switch]

she just walked in to the other room. I walked out to check the hamburger helper. I asked her about her hair. she said they did it the same. The same is her normal brown hair w/blond highlights that i suggested the last time she did her hair because it turned me on in the past. I told her it was hot, then had to walk away. I came to the computer to cry and vent. She asked me what i was doing, i said nothing. She walked up behind me and saind something about hurting evryone or not making anyone happy. I told her I couldn't talk right now and she walked away.

I'm heartbroken!