Stillme & the Plan

[sunshine74]

Hey still:

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. I have been out of the loop for a while. I'm just catching up with everyones thread and yours is next. Hope all is well... Things are good with me.

Sunshine74

[stillme]

Just emailed this to my friend, N; had a good cry; phone call & dinner invite from a friend & am feeling calmer & clearer. Sorry I'm not up for talking much right now - and I'm horribly out of brainpower to keep up w/sitchs I really don't want to lose track of - but it means SO MUCH to know y'all are checking in on me & your support is a lifesaver. LY'L ("love y'all lots") - j.

The house is a mess, laundry needs to be done, 20 library books are now 5 days overdue, 2 half-done projects cluttering up the place, P.calls to make . . . and I can't care. Gotta go next door & get Angel from the fish-sitter, but I don't want to talk. Don't want to make nice-talk; don't want to do sitch-talk. Civilians really don't get it and I feel awful thinking 'Stop TALKING! Stop talking! Stop TALKING!'

This month is, officially, the 1-yr mark since H "decided to D" me & we started all this ugliness. The 29th will be our 12th anniversary. Not that that means anything & doesn't much even hurt. It's just a date, but - OMG! ONE YEAR. Amazing. Really, before a year ago, we rarely fought, were NEVER ugly to each other, did the whole Respectful Fighting stuff. NO name-calling, no raised voices. Were proud of how we Honored each other, esp when we noticed other's not behaving that way. Shoot. 'Respecful' could have been our last name. How the mighty have fallen.

Nomo asked about the time-line thing a while ago (lol - seems like a hundred yrs):

-The Beginning/initial 2mo post Oct/Nov. bombs were the Depths of Despair & every day was agony & every hour seemed like an eternity.

-After DBing began (Jan.5) (ie., "The Surfacing"), Despair eased & - thru a combo of DBing techniques working on ME/MY attitude + H's giving of friendly roommate/QT+, it was - if not Good, but Better. I was still waiting for the D-shoe to drop, tho. I remember thinking & counting & double-counting the days since Surfacing & couldn't wrap my head around the fact that it had ONLY been 45 days. Seemed like a lifetime, but it wasn't a oppressive lifetime, just a slow one. (Focus was still def. NOT on anything other than the Sitch)

-Sometime soon after that, I started a lot more focusing on me (Pilates was taking off, got back into my faith/church/praying nightly, started playing w/the kids more than being caregiver-mom, met some new friends -Autumn etc & actually forgot the sitch for longer & longer periods of time) & time's pace started picking up. Every day started to not weigh so much. That was the easy part. . .

- So, it was about 60 days after DBing when H moved out, we had the last nice convo the night before (which I journaled even seemed potentially very pos for us - a little light in the Darkness of our sitch I called it) & Ugly began. Almost imm. - & escalating since then. H has picked up the pace on Ugly, and Anger was his constant focus regarding me, Disrespect entered the picture - and it seemed the more I As-If'd & tried keeping the focus on me, the more H would focus on what I was doing (wrong) and how I was hurting (him). (Yeah, I see that he's not 'gone', focused too much on me, but that doesn't help live thru this Punishment Phase.) The DBing helped time pass. Can hardly believe now that it's been almost 4 mo. since then.

-Until Sunday (7/8) time was at a good pace. Now it's at the Despair stand-still. I can hardly think (literally); my mind plays the same loop - mostly "Why?" I understand you don't love me, don't want to me M'd to me, want to have a - whatever - new life. So do it. Why the need to make me pay? I could be fine D'd. I really could. I'm looking forward to it at this point. But he's still got me at the end of his pole, reeling away at will then dropping me back into the sea. He knows what he's doing, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about me, he 100% believes that I deserve this, he's torturing & tormenting me, and that's why I cry.

Just journaling, really. It's like a mental vomit. Maybe I'll feel better afterwards. I'll get there. Def. not today. But I hate pity-parties. My dad (and that's another story) once said the only reason someone cries is b/c they feel sorry for themselves. Yeah, he's a d*ck, & stupid that that's 1 of the maybe 5 things I ever remember him saying, but I think about that whenever I cry. Enough thinking, tho.

Friend P (Patricia) just called & made me promise to stop thinking & journaling & lay outside & look at the beautiful clouds. Where we live, the land is hilly & the clouds start at the horizon. I'm looking straight out my window, and mid-level is the rise of a green hilly pasture (cows) with a bright blue sky & huge white clouds sitting right above it. Beautiful.

All - I've (prolly) read your threads and I'll get back to being 'In' soon. Just need a talking-break for a bit.

Finally, -HA! - N, I'm beating you to it. Taking my very own words to you, and telling my own sorry self: Everything's relative, and this may be the "worse" in the "for better and..." but I'm strong, and smart, and I'll win as long as I keep playing. I'll win a Happier, Healthier & Better Me. It's all mind vs heart stuff, isn't it?

Okay, off to get the fish.
Thanks for the care.
j.

[Nomopo]

Well done.

Hugs,
Nomo

[SuperDad]

Still,
Crying is the most human of acts. Anyone who cannot see this is just afraid of being human, of their true Self, or maybe even of life. Cry your heart out until the wave passes...just let it all go.

When you get through this, you will be ready to focus again on the future and all of the wonderful parts of your life.

Maybe you already did this today?! BTW, my office window faces out over some trees onto a lake. I don't take the time enough to look out and enjoy the view. Thanks for the reminder!

SD

[Gone Dancin']

Take your time, still -- we'll still be here thinking about you, and probably posting hugs and words of encouragement while you're gone. If you need to post, then post. If you can't for a while, then don't. We all understand, and just hope that you take care of yourself right now. Do what you need to do for you.

GD

[L21959]

(((Still))) --

Not much to add to all the good words and thoughts here...just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you today and wishing your load will feel lightened soon...

L

[C_K]

((((still))))

I dont have much time right now , off to work , Just thinking of you will check in a bit later. I feel for you on the hiding away bit.

Dave

[Lyrael]

Still-
You don't know me...I am someone who used to be on here. My H and I were separated for a year, he had more than one A, and it was all very ugly.

He came home, though, and has been for 3 years. I've been lurking on the boards because he accepted a job (mutual decision by both of us) in another state, and it brings up lots of old feelings.

I just wanted to tell you that you are in my prayers. I have been in the deep depths of despair, and oh, it hurts. My very supportive aunt used to tell me when things got really hard during that year "this is just a season in your life." I've thought that to myself so many times, and I want to pass it on to you. What you're doing takes so much strength, and watching you struggle through this and become an even stronger, more beautiful person than you were before is a privilege.

I hope he puts away his anger soon, and lets you know how precious you are.

You, Nomopo, and Sunny are an inspiration.

Lyrael

[Nomopo]

That was a great post Lyrael. I know it was for Still, but I am so glad you chose to post and share. And I love the "this is just a season in your life" saying from your aunt! Awesome! I know someone else who will love it - SuperDad - he has told me things like that before.

Don't be a stranger,
Nomopo

[forever21]

I agree. Lyrael... thanks for sharing that quote from your aunt. Now I have words to put to my thoughts.