For all those who want to short story it goes like this. W had an EA, I started to DB, and now we are getting D.
Mike,
Quote:
Have you been keeping everything separate? Have you and W separated paying for household things, or is she only paying for her car?
She is paying for her car, her cell, her incidentals, and her costs when she has our girls. I am paying for everything else. This saves me over $500 a month so I am not going to complain.
Would you or anyone else have an example parenting plan that I could use so I can draft one for myself. I know my L and her L will finalize it but I want to make sure it is detailed as can be and I am not getting screwed.
My W is really pushing to get all this settled over the dinner table and not by a judge and lawyers. It also sounds like she wants joint custody with a parenting plan, no declaring primary residence. This way we both have the same rights to our kids. In the end she will have our girls more often then I because of my schedule vs hers. There is not much I can do about that without switching careers.
I also have to go around the house and determine what I want vs what she wants. I really do not think we will have much of a problem in this area, could be wrong.
She mentioned August 5th again and that her L thought our D could be over by then if we can come to a fair agreement/settlement. How do you prolong this if she is going to be fair and reasonable?
I also need to get our house appraised so I can determine how much I need to buy her out. Only in this sitch do I wish that my house is not worth that much. When built our house I acted as the general contractor, we have a lot of equity in it from all the work that I put in.
I was going to say I would email it to you, but I realized that those details are only in the final copies, which I do not have on computer.
The language is something like this:
"The father will have visitation with the minor children on alternate weekends, from 6:00 pm Friday until 6:00 pm Sunday. In addition, the father will have visitation Wednesday from 5:30pm until 8:00pm during the school year and from 5:30 pm until 9:00 pm during the summer break."
With joint custody, the word "visitation" doesn't come up. Each parent is "responsible for" the children for alternating weeks, or certain days and hours.
REMEMBER that you don't want to agree to a schedule that makes sense only until the girls are in school. This thing needs to last for the next 16 years. You can draw up two schedules and actually put both in the agreement. The "default" schedule is alternating weeks. This is the schedule that will be in effect if you two don't agree to a different schedule.
Then you can write up the "alternative" schedule, which you can agree to annually or whatever. This will be similar to her proposed schedule for now. The key is that once a year (lets say on August 1 of each year) you can agree to this schedule, or agree to some changes. If you don't agree, then the "default" schedule goes into effect.
As for delays...well to begin with Aug 5 is a Sunday. But seriously--the house apraisal is one thing to delay with. Don't have it done right now. Let her get one (but don't tell her to). Then after she gets her report, think about it for a few weeks, and then decide that it is too high. By a lot. Then tell her you are looking for another appraiser. Then pick one after a couple weeks. Then schedule the inspection for a couple weeks after that. Then wait for the report. Then wait to discuss it with your lawyer.
Never make an appt with your lawyer for less than a week from when you call. "Sorry, honey, my lawyer was booked until a week from Monday." Eventually you can express regret for your choice of a lawyer. "I didn't realize it would be so hard to get in to see her. I'd switch lawyers but I'm afraid that will just delay things more at this point."
It just floors me that she's being so sweet & nice & doing things for you, yet still wants a D. I wish it didn't have to happen before she realized the grass ain't greener!! Especially w/ such little girls!! You never did tell me, she's still living in the house w/ you right? or am I wrong on that?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I feel for you. I hope I don't get to where you are, But If I do I know like you I did everything I could. I can't give you any advice but you have all the support I have to give.
Stay strong for your babies. Hopefully this will be a temporary ordeal and your family can be whole again. Remember it's not over ANYTHING can happen. Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sorry Cadesmom... Yes, we all are under the same roof for now. I think the nice behavior is her trying to be a good Christian. It is messed up thinking on her part getting D, having an A, doesn't God hate divorce and there is something in the bible about not committing adultery...isn't there ;-). I truly feel this is why she is doing what she is doing. She wants to make this as easy for me and our girls as possible, while trying to live her beliefs. The reality of it is she is doing whatever makes this as easy on her as possible. I am not that naive...
Mike, Thanks for the example and the delay tactics. Yes, you are the lock Monster. I saw another thread that you locked up. I guess the first thing I can do is take my sweet time coming up with my parenting schedule and list of assets that I want. She is not going to be happy with that but it should buy me a couple of weeks. And I will let my L see it before I give it to her, add another week.
Thanks for the support. You are right it is not over until she says "I do" to someone else. What I know and have come to grips with is that my M is done and dusted. Maybe there will be hope for reconciling in the future, but I need do what is best for me and my girls at this time. You are right, I can look myself in the mirror from here on out knowing that I did all that I could to save my M and keep my family intact, her heart never was in it over the last 7 months.
When H and I were still in the D stage where he was deadset on getting a D, my Pastor told me that God will not mess w/ volition -- a person's free will. He said if H had a plan that he was deadset on carrying out, God would not touch that. He would have to suffer the consequences. So if she is deadset on this, it may go forward, but you never know what will happen once it's said & done. If she lets her guard down, God may then start working on her and she'll realize what she did was the wrong thing. I'll just pray that she lets her guard down before it actually goes through!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Cades, thanks for the prayers, you all are constantly in mine. I do understand she has free will and it is up to us to try our best to live within Gods will. Divorce IMO is not God's will for any of us, but there is that free will thing again. We have been going againest God's will from the time that Eve pulled the fruit off the tree. Not to put the blame on Eve where was Adam. He was told to protect the Garden from the beast of the field, which he did not and then he left his W alone with the serpent.
Journaling: Yesterday morning I went golfing again, I have never golfed so much in my life. I went with my Dad and Brother and shot alright. I am hoping by the end of the summer I can consistenly get below 90, hasn't happened yet. My short game has been good but I cannot hit my drivers at all. I think I still have to much of a baseball swing when I pull out my driver. After golf I went home workedout and washed my car and my W car. In the late afternoon we all went to my cousins house for a summer party. Our girls had a blast with their cousins and it was nice for me to be around family. Besides my parents and brother only one cousin and his W know about what all is going on. I think my cousin is a little upset that I haven't told anybody else yet, but he was for the most supportive. My W has told me that she does not want to give up my family, she has been around for over 10 years does not want to give them up. Well she choose this route and if/when I get serious with someone else she is going to be told not to come around my family anymore.
At the party we both did our own things and not a whole lot of interaction, but since it was so busy nobody noticed anything was up. Actually my mom said if she did not know any better we looked like a happy family. Well we are not and my W is about to destroy my kids.
My cousins W did talk to my W and she asked her is there anyway your M can be saved. My W's answer was that it would have to be a miracle from God, kind like having mana fall from the sky.
All in all it was great that I was able to spend the day with my girls on my W's weekend. I am just trying to make the most out of the time that I have with them. Today, I am about to go to church and then I am going to get another round of golf in. Tomorrow, we go to counseling again and then I have softball after that. I also am going to get my girls on the 4th of July. Since I had the girls on memorial day my W was going to get them for the 4th, now she has to work. Again the more time that I get them the better. I love every moment that I get.
Yesterday and so far today have been hard on me. Even though I have been moving on as best I can the realities of my D stare me down. I have been wrestling in my mind the last couple of days about what parenting schedule works best for me and my girls. Who can I get to help me with my girls when I work? Can I afford to keep my house after I buy my W out and start paying CS? If I can scrap by can I afford to give my girls the lifestyle that they are accustomed to? What is it going to be like the eat PB&J 3x a day for the next year? Why do I have to see my WAW everyday? Why is it that I love her, but at the same time want to hate her? Why does she have to keep telling me how wonderful everything is going? Why, Why , Why does God allow for this to occur? Why is this so freakin lonely?
Sorry for all the questions. Yesterday, was a decent day for me in the morning. I went to church and then went golfing with one of my good friends. I went and had ice cream with my W and our girls then I had the girls by myself the rest of the evening. After I got them to bed I got myself ready too and cleaned up the house a little bit. I was exhausted and was trying to go to sleep before my W came home. That did not happen, she walked in the door as I was turning the TV off and getting in bed(or should I say couch). She came right into the family room and proceeded to tell me about a God moment that she had yesterday. I guess my 5D has been really fighting my W on going to my W's new church. So my W has been praying with 5D that she could adjust to the change and love both churches. Well I guess yesterday my 5D had a good time at the new church and one of my 5D favorite songs from her normal church was sung for the first time at my W's new church... My W told me that she was standing there watching and it made her cry and she is so happy that 5D has 2 favorite churches now....on and on and on she went......... I hated hearing her tell me about how wonderful things are working out for her...... Not that I do not want my 5D to adjust, because she is going to have to, but I hate hearing my W talk about it because 5D shouldn't be adjusting like this or for these reasons. After hearing my W talk for 5 minutes I wanted to ask her to stop....I just kept saying to myself listen, validate, this is for my girls...... After awhile she finally noticed that there was something up with me and asked me what was wrong. I told her that it was good that 5D is adjusting tried to leave it at that..... She asked again what was wrong....I again tried to deflect the question and not answer. After doing this a few more times, I finally gave in.... I told her it was hard hearing how great and to plan everything is working out for you. It is not that I do not want 5D to adjust, that is good. But as things are working out for you, I am struggling with how do I take care of our girls, can I afford this house. The only thing that I wanted out of this was to be able to hang onto this house, so when I had our DD's they atleast had their home. I really do not know after I buy you out and start paying CS if I can afford it.... She did not have a whole lot more to say, but she did keep sitting in the couch next to me. I had to get up and walk away because I did not want this conversation to continue..... Needless to say that I did not sleep well again last night.
I hope this post is readable. Having a rough day....
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. If I had to guess, your W's life isn't going as great as she is putting on. She is probably miserable but doesn't want you to see it. My H does the same thing to me, but when I look in his eyes, I can see that he is sadder than I have ever seen him before. Keep hanging in there. It is a lonely road, but at least you have your girls. You are a good man, and you will find happiness again.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I like the delay tactics.