OK, tonight you will confess all to the priest and your wife will hear that. Hopefully this will BEGIN to give your wife hope that you are sincere, and not just trying to weasel your way out of this (like every time before).
Regarding marriage counseling, you need to validate your W's feeling that she has done nothing wrong and does not need counseling. Tell her that you need help, and you need W to help the counseler help you. Because you need the counselor to hear the whole story.
Another way to go about this is to get into individual therapy, and then after a few sessions see if the counselor thinks it would be useful to hear from W. Make sure the counselor you choose also does marriage counseling. You might end up alternating solo sessions with couples sessions, or something like that.
After talking to the priest tonight, tell W that you are going to start counseling, and ask her if she thinks individual or marriage counseling would be more useful. Then make an appt ASAP.
Going to the priest is a good step. For thousands of years priests have counseled people on their personal lives. They have much more knowledge than just religious doctrine. You need to rebuild the trust in your marriage, and you need to work on forgiveness. There is a marriage weekend retreat that you could go on. See the website http://www.retrouvaille.org for places and dates. It is a great place to rebuild your marriage. Worked for me.
On the other hand, simply subscribing to Playboy and reading the magazine is not a crime. I have kept a subscription to that magazine going for my husband for years. I enjoy the nights he reads the magazine. And the jokes and articles are good.
I agree with Sara that owning a Playboy magazine is not a crime. And if, like Sara and her H, you both enjoy it, great.
The problem is that you have continued with this type of stuff, and EXCALATED it, during your marriage while hiding this side of yourself from your wife.
You did it in part because you felt you had a right to, and she was being unreasonable. But if she was unreasonable then you should have insisted on your "rights" rather than lie to her and hide stuff.
It is not unreasonable for her to assume that if your sex life together has gone downhill, and you are looking and talking online, then you are giving these strangers attention that you should be giving to her. Don't get into a "chicken or egg" argument about it. SHE has done nothing wrong.
All day I have been thinking about if our rolls were reversed. It makes me sick to think of her doing with another guy what I did with another woman. I cna't believe I did that! I used to be the type of person that wouldn't do anything to someone that I wouldnt want done to myself, I don't know what happened. And the thing is, I know I can be that person again!
that is the key... knowing it was wrong, knowing you were not acting as the person you want to be, and realizing you want to be a better and different person. we can't change the past. we can only change the present and the future. you also can't control if another person will forgive you or not. all you can do is focus on rectifying the wrong,forgiving yourself, asking for forgiveness, becoming the best person you can be, be honest and trustworthy, and make your present and future great.
i can tell you that although i don't know how i would handle the truth from my husband, i would be very grateful for the truth and honesty and our marriage would have much more of a shot if i had that truth and honesty. be honest, be open. it will be painful. from that pain, you will grow.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
The reason she needs to go with you to counseling is because she can't stop thinking about this. She needs help dealing with her pain and her anger. Counseling will help both of you.
We both talked to our Priest last night, first me alone, then both of us. The Priest had some good advice and some helpful stories. He also gave me the name of a professional counselor that works within the Catholic framework.
She said she is willing to give us the time we need to work on this.
We had dinner together, we laughed together, I spent the night at home...on the couch.
It's wierd, yesterday when I got home, we talked and acted like nothing was wrong. But today it's back to her talking all about it again. I know she has evey right to feel how she does, I just don't understand what happened to make yesterday so different.
Talking to the priest was enough for yesterday. She made some progress mentally, but emotionally she is still very hurt and vulnerable. She had some time alone to think about it, and her concerns have come back to the surface.
There will be good days and bad days. Get used to it--you will be on this rollercoaster for many months (at least).
