I just want her to come home!

[Atlas]

My wife left me last Thursday. She took our 2 year old boy and just dropped the bomb on me, over the phone at work. We bought a house a couple of weeks ago, she got a dog a week ago. I'm standing her just lost. I've cried over this way to long. Yesterday, I decided that I was going to live me life, make the necessary changes in me that i can control, the ones that drover her away. She came over last night and wanted to fight, I refused, she was so lost she couldn't believe the sudden change. She tried for 2 hours, until she finally went "well I'll let you have the bed and I'll sleep on the couch." I told her she had to leave, she abandoned me and this house and has a new boyfriend and at this time it wouldn't be appropriate and i don't want my son more confused than he is. Last night, he asked if I missed him and he told me he missed me, he is two, I just broke down.

Her mother went through a divorce that would easily be a blockbuster movie and so she knows just how deep the pain goes. She keeps calling me and doing all she can to help, but unfortunetly my brother in law is in town just pushing this thing. He is rather immoral and sleeps around on his wife. I have never trusted him.

Other than my boy, everthing seems to be going alright, lines of communication are open, the tension has decreased.

What do i do about our anniversary. It is this Sunday and while I want to make her dinner, feed her choclate strawberries I just get the feeling it won't happen. Sorry laughing at myself is helping at this point. I was going to send flowers with a friendship message. Should I even acknowledge it? What do I do?

I have ordered DB and DR, hopefully they are here early next week I can't wait to read them.

[stewart10]

Atlas:

It is better that you made it over here to newcomers. You will receive more traffic on your thread. Also, another way to gain more responses is to read other people's threads and respond to them. Even if you do not think you have any good advice to offer, supportive comments also help and they will likely return the favor.

As far as your son-I feel terrible that you have found yourself in this situation. But you are lucky to have him and make sure that he knows how much you love him. He must be a very smart kid and you should be a proud father. I do not have any kids at this point so I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be separated from him. I just hope things turn around quickly for you.

The brother in law is not helping the situation any. Unfortunately there is not much you can do about it. I have what I suspect is a bad influence on my W in a female friend from her work, but there is not much I can do about it.

On the anniversary issue, I would try and act as normal as possible. If you were going to cook dinner for her before the bomb, I think you should stick to the regular plan. Just try to avoid emotions. Keep the conversation light hearted and steer clear of Relationship talk.

I would also offer a word of caution. Although you are angry at your wife for her most recent actions, I would be careful about doing anything that is going to push her further away. I guess my advice is to evaluate what you are trying to do in this situation. Do you want to work things out with her? If so, if she is willing to come back to the house, I would not send her away. I think you are right in avoiding anything that is going to lead to a fight. I would continue working on yourself, changing those things that she expressed to you as being problems and let things develop. Patience is the key now.

Where is your wife staying right now? Where is your son staying? If he is not at home, how often do you get to see your son?

[Nomopo]

Very sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. A few things:

I have ordered DB and DR, hopefully they are here early next week I can't wait to read them.

Excellent. If there is a way to go to the library today or tomorrow or Saturday, I would. Read the first six chapters of DR. It'll take a couple of hours, and well worth. (See below for a summary of principles by a success story - JenJam.)

You want some GREAT NEWS? You got here this fast, and ordered the books this quickly after the bomb. This is excellent. It took me almost two years of making things worse. So feel good about that.

I'm standing her just lost. I've cried over this way to long.

This is normal, but your right, the faster you can get control of your emotions, and focus on yourself, the sooner you will formulate and follow your plan designed to both (1) improve yourself for you and (2) give you the best chance for saving your M.

Yesterday, I decided that I was going to live me life, make the necessary changes in me that i can control, the ones that drover her away.

Excellent. The perfect attitude.

She came over last night and wanted to fight, I refused, she was so lost she couldn't believe the sudden change. She tried for 2 hours, until she finally went "well I'll let you have the bed and I'll sleep on the couch."

Your DBing already!

I told her she had to leave, she abandoned me and this house and has a new boyfriend and at this time it wouldn't be appropriate and i don't want my son more confused than he is.

Ok, some you drew some boundaries. That is fine. Just make sure you draw boundaries that really matter to you. It sounds like you did in part - eg, you're not welcome here while you are having an A. I assume that is just not acceptable to you, and you are willing to draw a line in the sand even if it means a D. But the abandonment? Is that really a reason to keep her out of the house? Is anger and a desire to blame her or be "right" going to drive your decisions. Get past anger, hurt and blame and do what you want to do to bring you closer and to find solutions.

Last night, he asked if I missed him and he told me he missed me, he is two, I just broke down.

I know, it sucks. Sorry.

She keeps calling me and doing all she can to help, but unfortunetly my brother in law is in town just pushing this thing. He is rather immoral and sleeps around on his wife. I have never trusted him.

You can't control him either, and neither of them control your W (though he may influence her, but you can't control that). Try not to worry about BIL, and I would listen to MIL and perhaps thank her for the support, but her involvement vis-a-vis your W is more likely to hurt than help.

Other than my boy, everthing seems to be going alright, lines of communication are open, the tension has decreased.

There is lots of hope. Start Dbing right away. Focus on yourself, awhat you can control Don't chase or pursue her at all. Look for solutions - changes in your behavior in the things you do in the buttons you push that lead to things being better between the two of you. If it works, do it again. If not, don't. It's that simple.

What do i do about our anniversary. It is this Sunday and while I want to make her dinner, feed her choclate strawberries I just get the feeling it won't happen. Sorry laughing at myself is helping at this point. I was going to send flowers with a friendship message. Should I even acknowledge it? What do I do?

I woud either do nothing or give her a simple card - not too lovey - that says Happy Anniversary. I wouldn't do anything else, no gifts, no flowers and certainly no starwberries, dinners, affection etc. Now if she initiates, and you want to follow her lead, then that could be alright. But man, do not pressure her. Only follow her lead.

Oh yeay, I almost forgot - very important - NO R TALKS AT ALL!!!!!

Good luck, keep posting, check out other threads, and post words of advice/encouragement/appreciation,

Nomopo

[Nomopo]

Sorry - forgot to add JenJam's summary. Here it is (from a post to another newcomer a while ago):

OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example.
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.

[Gone Dancin']

Atlas,

Glad you're in the right place in terms of being proactive about bettering yourself and getting some constructive criticism, positive feedback, etc, from many good people on this board who have been there and done that. I think you will find a lot of help and support, as well as make a few friends along the way.

You have gotten some excellent advice so far -- and pay attention to Nomopo. He's got a lot of experience with what doesn't work, and is now doing a phenomenal job with what does work. I will simply say this until I feel I have more to add:

Time is on your side. Patience is not just a virtue -- it is a necessity! You can't expect immediately changes, quick fixes, etc. Take it one day at a time, read DB & DR ASAP and begin applying the techniques based upon where you are in your R/M.

As far as the anniversary goes, Nomopo is right -- follow her lead. However, my advice is also that, if you want, get her something that she sees as a sign of love (don't make it something practical -- i.e. something she can use -- like us men tend to do). Women tend to like sentimental things that demonstrate genuine affection (flowers, a card, etc) -- something neat that she will appreciate as simply caring and thoughtful.

However...

If you get her anything like this, DO NOT give it to her until she makes some sort of effort to do so first. If she does this and more or less give you the green light to return the favor, be ready to bust out the gift. However, if she doesn't, consider your investment in the gift a lost one and dispose of it or put it away for a later (possibly much later) day. Do have a back up plan (like Nomopo said) -- get her maybe just a simple card OR nothing at all). This is a tender sitch you're in -- you don't want to push her further away with any actions that may backfire.

Good luck -- hope you keep us posted!

GD

[Atlas]

Stewart and Nomopo,

Thanks for the advice, it really does help. Everything I have read on these forums so far has begun to change things around. I need to post more, I actually never post on forums but I read a to many, so kinda new to this side of it.

thanks

[waw1978]

Sorry you are finding yourself here.

There are great folks with lots of good advice. I myself an on the other side of the sitch (WAW) but I have learned a lot about how to work through things with my DH (LBS). I like to offer the opposing point of view when I can and think it could help.

Our sitch isn't the same as yours, we have a 4 y/o D but there hasn't been any uprooting for her. We both decided together that we would try and keep her out of this. She has no idea that Mommy isn't sleeping at home yet. I am sleeping at the parents so there is no OM and that sort of confusion isn't part of all of this.

It seems like your main concern is your son. I would suggest trying to work something out with your W so his life is as stable as possible. I know you just bought a house, got a dog and are going though some pretty big changes. Sometimes big events like this can cause a person to be thrown off kilter. I am not condoning your wifes behavior but just trying to let you know that all this change could be a big part of her recent actions.

Take care and keep posting, it really helps!

[Atlas]

waw1978,

Thank you for your advice, it really helps to know and hear from the other side of things.

Well the saga continues, she called last night and asked if I wouldn't mind leaving the house for a few hours so that she coud pack some things up. I was happy to oblige and went out with a friend.

Come home and WOW! I own nothing! All I can do is look around and laugh. I have a 3000 square foot house with a small sofa, 3 barstools, a bed and a 19 inch television. She cleaned up! Funny thing is I was upset for about 10 minutes and I think I really could care less. She left my home office alone, so that is all I really need.

The sad thing is I offered to leave prior to this, and she wouldn't have it. She is feeling co-dependent and needs to prove to herself that she can do it. But I'm really worried about my son, he is not taking this well. I'm just so amazed at how perceptive he is.

A few good notes, I road bike a lot and I got back on the bike and I'm doing all I can to work out that aggresion on the road. Haven't drank in a few days, and won't smoke. I called her brother last night, the one "against" me. Very interesting convo, he told me that he didn't have time to talk because she was there, but he said he didn't want me to take anything personal of acts he had done. He stated he just didn't get why she is leaving and what is going on, he told me to call him when he goes home and he thinks he can help.

So that is were things stand. Thnx for the help. I should be posting more this weekend and on others as well.

Good luck everyone, keep up the good fight!

[Nomopo]

Why did you call her B? You should think long hard about talking to him. Lots of risk. Are you familiar with the 48 hour rule?

[Atlas]

Nomopo,

I don't know any of the rules, YET! I ordered the books on Wednesday and I am waiting for them to arrive. I have not had a lot of time to review the website. I work way to much, part of the problem I guess.