After my H's affair, i read DB 2x and loved it. I am working on getting a life, not pursuing, being the 'cheerleader' and doing pretty well at not bringing up the A. My H, on the other hand is quiet, doesn't seem to ever smile anymore, and is prob still missing the OW. After the advice of several of you wonderful DB, i picked up the book After The Affair and have so far enjoyed reading it. However, the book discusses talking about your feelings, how you shouldn't keep your thoughts to yourself and if you want to work on your marriage, you need to start talking and do all these activities (leaving notes, hugging,talking about what we want to change etc). I'm confused now-and i'm paraphrasing, but DB says I shouldn't pursue, especially if he's not ready. ATA says to show affection even if you don't want to. Do I wait til he's ready or go ahead and start trying to talk this out?? Both books seem great, just a little contradictory, which isn't surprising but I want to save this marriage! How do I know when to start talking about what i want to see change, etc.?? thanks for any advice.
Me/H:27 Married: 3 years
Children: 1 on the way-he had been trying to have a baby w/ me while the EA was going on.
Bomb: 5/6/07-I don't think I have feelings for you anymore. (denied affair) 6/15/07-busted--EA with my best friend.
I would start showing affection and see how it is received, however, I would not start any R talk for quite awhile. I know it seems like you may be "walking on eggshells" for awhile, but it is usually awhile before any R talk is 'appropriate.' You kind of need to have some sort of stability back in the R before you start trying to talk about things. That's just my opinion.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Truth be told every relationship is different. You, or your therapist, must make the decision as to how to proceed. I know that after my husband's affair I was not about to keep silent. Silent was how we got into that mess.
But I do believe that structure is important to keep the conversation productive and not escalating into anger. We learned to communicate through letters to each other where we discussed our own feelings and avoided accusatory statements. This type of thing is best learned and practiced with the assistance of a therapist or the Retrouvaille weekend.
I still stand by my advice that if you start R talking too soon, before he's ready, it may push him away. I would start slowly w/ the affection first and see how it goes. If he is willing to go to C, of course that would be best, but if not, I would still wait on trying to talk about things for awhile.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I totally agree. Even stronger, not "if he is willing to go to C," but "if he really wants to go to C to work on the M..."
Pushing Retrouvaille can TOTALLY backfire when the WAS is not currently working on the M. After the Affair also sounds like it is for Piecing, once both partners are into working on the M.
