Need advice please.

[JMC]

Although I have only posted here a few times, I have found the information to be a tremendous help. I am in the process of reading DR and find myself somewhat confused about how to proceed from here. I will try to be brief.

Stich: M 10+ yrs, one D by marriage (recent college graduate – wife was a single mother at an early age and had never previously been married). W dropped bomb on our 10-yr anni – 11/30/06. My family and our friends are shocked – she seemed to have so much together, we loved to entertain and did all kinds of things. W claimed there was no OM. I found emails to a guy in another part of the country. They were not of a romantic nature, but certainly a lot of information had been shared between them. He is of German decent and lives in NJ (we live in the Midwest). W evidently met him at a work-related trade show and they struck up a friendship. She claims they only communicate via email and she became intrigued with is use of the English language and sense of humor. In mid-January W came home at 3 am one Thursday after evidently spending time with an electrician she knew (W is white collar professional who sells products to industrial sector). We went to retrouvaie weekend after which time she told me that although I am her best friend, she “does not have that feeling of love for me.” W moved in with her sister in mid-Feb. We have essentially been together most weekends since getting house ready for sale, with many overnight stays. House closed last Friday.

I attribute the majority of our problems in our M to cc debt. W was laid off 2x earlier this decade, and her current position has not panned out. Our debt has largely contributed to a sense of hopelessness for her. Also, she claims that ever since D went to college, she has wanted to be on her own – the ‘empty nest’ syndrome. Sounds like MLC to me.

Now: W wants me to watch the cats this weekend (at her place) as she and her sister go out of town for a family reunion. I admit to recently having snooped and found calls to electrician. Also, I have been able to log onto her work email (she used the first name of the German in NJ as a password). She seems to email him at least weekly, and the emails are like those of a ‘giddy school girl’. She told me once that she thought he was married. Evidently she has also been taking German lessons online according to our D.

I do not call her, but she finds a reason to contact me almost daily at work. I am torn as to what to do now. I still hope for reconciliation. Should I meet her for lunch tomorrow (as previously planned) to get her key in order to watch the cats, or should I call and tell her I am busy and she should drop off at work.

[*KS*Chick*]

You have to find the "lovingly detached" you.......the you that is detached for yourself, but not a jerk. Do you have any issues with watching the cats? If not, I'd say do it. If you have conflicts, etc. - don't.

Work on you right now....

[JMC]

Thanks KS. I have no problem watching the cats, and I agree with the 'lovingly detached' me. To me that means going somewhat dark. As such, I do not contact her. She just called to ask a $ question and ask where we should meet for lunch tomorrow for her to give me her key. So, I guess that answers my question as to wether or not I should meet her for lunch.

I guess I struggle with wether to carry on (I want to as I hope one day to post a success story), but wonder if it would be hopless - I know there is no answer and that all I can do is take care of myself, which I have been doing with exercise and trying to eat right (difficult as W was such a great cook and during the week would cook healthy). I have gone back to church (I like it), keep up with friends, treat W with respect, and will try not to snoop any more.

[NMHurting]

All good steps JMC.

[JMC]

Thanks NM - so I guess at this juncture, I would not be considered a doormat for sticking around despite knowing she uses some far away guy's name for her password? I guess I am holding out as long as I can, believing W is in MLC. I guess only I can know when to throw in the towel. - correct?

[mkultra]

I felt like her, too. It is a fake feeling, though. It is something that makes us laugh, like when we are young and we want attention. It is fake as long as it stays innocent. Read the book. You will find this is a common scenario. When you get to ten years, you do some evaluating. You ask yourself if you are young enough to go out and try over, then you realize how that is wrong. I really regret pushing my H out because of our tenth anniversary, but I was scared that I would lose so much if we stayed married for ten years in California. How stupid of me.

[JMC]

Although I read this forum every day, I have just recently taken the time to actually read the instructions for how to properly commumicate here (I would welcome any advice).

Today I chose to come here rather than continue to snoop my W's email. She went on a girls trip last weekend (boating and what not), and evidently met some guy who she seemingly is enamored with (he evidently is now overseas in Afghanastan and they have exchanged emails). She contacts me regularly to discuss our D, $, or something. Friends are having a party tonight and she asked if I would feel awkward if she attended. I said no, we had a good discussion and she asked if I would like to get together for dinner (I am taking this as a positive baby step)

Anyway, I know what I need to do, I just have to do it. Detach and GAL. I am making inroads to GAL. I am stepping up my exercise routine as I would like to lose 10 lbs (I am 5'10" 192ish); I attend church regularly after not having done so for almost 15 years and have taken a bible study class on the Acts of the Apostles (I liked it and plan to do more). In addition to the marital situation, my employer of 12+ years is being bought out and I will most likely lose my job (we hope to find out in the next 3-4 weeks), so I will soon be in the process of looking for a new job.

Thanks for being there today. I need this outlet to help me continue to lovingly detach and not snoop. Thanks everyone!

[JMC]

Also, Multra - your experience seems a lot like what is going on with my sitch. What happened in your case?

[JMC]

Day 5 of no snooping. However, Sundays are always difficult for me as are trips to the grocery store, which I just accomplished though it was very emotional for me again. Moving on...detaching and GAL - hope to go for a drive this afternoon and get a bite later. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!