Our Toothbrushes are no longer separated! Now this may amuse many but for years our toothbrushes have lived together in a porcelin cup in the bathroom. For the last few months W has kept hers separate , something that amused me , well since my detachment they have been reunited , quite bizare.
W also sought me out tonite after work to say hello and give me a kiss ??? I have been polite , friendly but distant and happy. I have got some new LP's so happily listening to them , 4 days from ordering from Illinois USA to ariving here in NZ , fantastic service!
Oh W its not going to be that easy for you. Has not talked about accepting the flat or not , I should ask but cant be bothered , I thought about asking "are you still here " when I got home but restrained myself.
I wonder where you are tonight you're probably on the rampage somewhere you have been known to take delight in getting in somebod'ys hair and you always had the knack fade to black
I bet you already made a pass I see a darkened roome somewhere you run your finger round the rim of his glass you run your fingers through his hair they scratch across his back fade to black
well maybee its all for the best but I wish I'd never been lassooed maybe its some kind of test but I wish I'd never been tattooed or been to hell and back fade to black
Journaling here, not so much about what is happenening but how I am feeling.
Over the last while I have seriously started to think about life without my W , I know now thanks to DB'ing I can be happy regardless of what she decides to do. Life without her right now actualy has something going for it. This act of detaching properly has finaly sunk in and realy not worrying about your spouse or what they are up to does your PMA the world of good. Sure there are reminders of times gone but I try and see them for what they are , good memories that I am thankful to have.
But mostly this is something that was going to happen given our prevoius R at some stage. It has been a life experience that will make my life better no matter what the outcome.
I still want a happy family with my W but do not need that to be a happy person. If W is ever able to commit to the work required to rebuild our R then I will still ( for now) be ready to take that journey with her. I do love her , always will .
Dave, here is the link Dafy provided Donna who sent it to me after I wrote about reading the Love Must Be Tough (Dobson) book: http://www.family.org/marriage/A000001322.cfm - which is, in part, taken directly from the book. I would even suggest you put this whole book on your Reading List (most of it pertains to infidelity/confrontation/respect stuff).
You are in a great place, tho. You're sounding strong & confident, & sooo in control of your life/emotional/R and, for the most part, your M. You are respecting yourelf (again?) and know your Worth. And that's an Excellent place to be.
Last edited by stillme; 06/28/0703:10 AM.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Thanks for that link ! its so true , I have opened the door wide as you know , but I may just polish it off with that letter or a variation of it.
Quote:
The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins
This is where I am at right now and it is liberating.
The biggest part of this is getting through to the point where you can do this for real without the expectation that its going to fix the R and be prepared and comfortable with the idea that the M is over, while still being a little receptive to a reconciliation.
It would be good if we could grasp this early as newcomers but its too early in the process , even knowing that stuff 3 months ago I dont think I could have done it as I was still clinging on in my mind.
C_K & stillme I just wanted to pop in a thank you for posting that link and that excerpt. C_K that is wonderful to hear that you at that 'third change'.
Me: 31; H: 30 Together 11y; M 8y H left: 2/1/07 My Thread 1st Thread
Dave, honestly, when I was reading the book the other night (esp since it talks alot about the Tough Love in an A-situation), I was thinking of your sitch.
You are at THE place right now. You have built the platform -- Opening the Cage & giving W time to see This New You as consistent & truthful, etc [Step 1]; [Don't recall if you're a praying guy; but that's Step 2]; and, at Step 3 (when the R has eased, W is clearly conflicted/confused, and she may be wanting/needing the Crisis/Step 3 [confrontation] to make a choice (Your M or her A) instead of being torn, back & forth, from day to day & the respect you've lost (in her eyes) which enabled her to consider the A not only 'okay' but that you didn't deserve anything diff./better FROM her. (Dobson used the playground/school analogy: How many times have 2 best friends come out of a sitch where they started out as bully-er/bullied kid. When the kid being bullied stood up for himself (even if he got knocked down & bloodied for his efforts), the bully gained respect for him and then the bully became the other kids greatest defender! Interesting dynamics. Think about it (pray about it) & read the book. (Got mine on ebay for about $2. Not a bad investment, huh?)
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
J, Dave, Glad the link was a positive. I couldn't believe that we ran across it at the exact some time, J!
Not sure if/when the time will come when I have had enough of the roommate thing, myself. Maybe if it starts to get ugly, as in your sitch, J. But I do worry that he is just going to keep going back and forth with this whole thing...forever. Or that he is cake-eating (although I am pretty sure there is no PA going on).
His own mother told me 2 months ago to throw him out...remains to be seen.
