Wife had an affair with OW

[NeedSupport]

OK here is my story and I welcome any support and advise.

W and OW became good friends this March. OW is a married lesbian with a daughter. They became friends when my W was giving OW advice on how to best handle introducing LFs W to other colleagues, since not all knew she was gay. From there they seemed to have what I thought was a good friendship. My W was going out more and I thought she deserved it since most of her current LF are my friends wives.

The rollercoaster started (Three long weeks ago)when I came home early from work one day before she came home from an outing with one of her other LF. Once W came home she looked really surprised that I was there and immediately ran upstairs and called someone. She then proceeded as normal and said that she needed to go to work to clean her room out. W is a teacher. This was fishy since W couldnt even look me in the eyes when talking. I later went to her work and her car was nowhere to be found. Since the redial on the phone was the OW, I called letting OW know, via voicemail, that I needed to talk to my W urgently if she saw her. W did not call. At that time I couldnt believe what I was doing and even felt bad that I didnt trust her. When W got home, she stated that she went to the mall first to get a bathing suit before going to work. This made me feel terrible that I doubted her and it was just me being jealous.

Saturday she volunteered to work at a church festival with OW and a different colleague. During this night I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that she and OW had something more than a friendship. When she got home I mentioned what I was feeling and her story changed from shopping for a swimming suit to, W and OW going to the store to shop for a “secret” Fathers day gift. This REALLY made me feel bad. We talked all night and she convinced me that it was nothing.

Sunday was our DD's dance recital, the best and worse day of the weekend. That night is when we talked and cried all night long and she finally admitted to having an A which started off as an emotional one and then became sexual about a month ago. W states that she loves us both, however has since stated that it wasn't actually love with OW.

With me listening, she has since cut off the A and all comunications. I wish she would have actually told the OW that she loved me, but she says that she knows this already.

W wants to work on us but I didn't feel convinced until we spoke with her parents. Now I am not sure if she loves me or if she is doing it for the kids or to not disapoint her parents.

We have since attended out first counseling session. The only problem I had with this is right after we explained the situation, he went straight into "How can we work on my communication?" WTF...Shouldn't we go more into why this happened?

I need help! I really want this to work, but my mind is going in every direction. Is she a lesbien and does she still love this OW? It is hard to beleive her. I don't want to come from rock bottom and start climbing the ladder just to fall down again. We have been married 10 years and have two children 4&6.

Thanks and sorry if I went into too much detail, but I haven't been able to talk to anyone since our friends are mutual.

Additionally, I have been wanting to let the OWs W know of this, but I am afraid that I am just doing it for revenge.

[NeedSupport]

Anyone!

[RedHeadWife]

My first comment is that I don't think it's necessary to tell OW's W. If OW wants to deal w/ that and be honest w/ her W, then she needs to do that, it certainly won't help YOUR sitch in any way to go tattling.

Since your W actually had an A w/ another woman, you do actually have a few more issues than normal. However, I don't think it necessarily makes her a lesbian. I know my sister-in-law had a fling w/ another woman at one point and is not a lesbian.

I think it probably has to do w/ the fact that females seem to be more 'emotional' and maybe she was getting fulfilled by this OW in ways she felt she wasn't being fulfilled by you, i.e., emotionally and not necessarily physically.

If you two have started counseling and she says she wants to work your M out, then if that's what you want also, you need to trust that. You can't go into trying to fix your M 1/2 heartedly b/c you're afraid you may get hurt again. If she ends up leaving in the end, that will suck, but you can say you gave your all and have no regrets about that.

[NeedSupport]

Cadesmom34 , thank you for your reply.

I can't agree with you more on the OW's W thing. This is why I haven't acted on it. The only thing positive that COULD come out of it would be for them to work on it and the OW being forced into finding another job. Since this isn't a definate outcome, I will take your advice. I am dreading when they start working together again once the summer is over, however I have decided to give our M 100% and deal with that when it comes.

We plan on talking more on her sexual identiy at our next session on Saturday. She says that she is not a lesbien and she wants me to be convinced. I will keep everyone informed on what comes out of it.

Addionally, I made the mistake by snooping on her work emails. This really brought me down again. What was done was done and I didn't gain anything out of it except confirmation. I wouldn't advise anyone of doing this if the A has already been admited and it has been decided by both to work on the M.

[Dr LOve]

need support


"I made the mistake by snooping on her work emails"

WE all have been there, done that. I think it's nataral to look for what we don't want to find.

Husband

[RedHeadWife]

I really think the last thing you need to be worrying about is whether your wife is a lesbian or not.

I'm glad she wants to work on your M w/ you and, it will be hard, trust is hard to get back, trust me, I know. If you have chosen to forgive, it's a daily thing -- each day you may need to 'decide' and tell yourself that you are choosing to forgive your W. You will have good days and bad days. You will go through a grieving process -- the intimacy, special R w/ your W, etc. has died. You can get all that back though, but it's a process and sometimes not an easy one.

We've all snooped and yes what we find usually sucks.

[NeedSupport]

So do you think that she could be a lesbien and this M still work? I am thinking hell no! I need to know this and if she still loves the OW.

[RedHeadWife]

No, what I'm saying is that just b/c she had an affair with another woman does not make her a lesbian. I agree you will have to figure out at some point whether she feels her sexual preference swings that way, but just b/c she had this A doesn't make her an automatic lesbian. Now, understand, I don't know much about that. I've never tried it or anything so I'm just going on what I do know and that is that some women try it out, but aren't necessarily lesbians. Does that make sense?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to focus on this whole thing as a 'normal' affair, not just focus on the lesbian part of it. That's what I was talking about when I was discussing the trust issues, etc.

[NeedSupport]

OK we had our second session with the counselor. We didn't go into the topics I wanted to, but it was a good session. We mainly did a communication excercise and it was OK. Am I wrong to think that we should be talking about the actual affair or should I continue to go with what the counselor wants to cover? He is the professional on this and not me.

My main stuggle now is that it seems that the W doesn't seem to be doing anything outside of the counseling to work on our issue. To phrase it better, it bugs the heck out of me that she pretends that everthing is back to normal. She did something that turned my world upsidedown and now she is actually reaping benefits from it. I am cleaning the house like crazy and attending to her every need. I am doing everything possible to make this work and now I am getting mad that she doesn't show any hurt from it. Before the A, I wouldn't want my wife to experience any saddness and now I wish she would. Is it OK to feel this way? Sometimes I want to just leave and see if she would fight to get me back.

[789]

In reading your posts I think it comes down to really only comes down to a couple of question.
Do you want your wife?
Do you want to save your marriage?
If so, think about what you are saying, hopefully you are not telling her these things. You say she is not hurt by all this, can you say that for sure, it could be eating her up and you don't even know it. I also don't think you want to test her to see what would happen if you left, she might not fight to get you back because of what she has done and thinks she completely killed the M. I can see why you are upset, and it hurts, you do need to think of it as an A, not a lesbian thing, that will eat you up even more. She told you she wants you, she says she wants to work on it. Take that part and run with it. You will not forget, but you will need to forgive at some point.