Gambling addictions tops MLC. My guess is tat your H has always been a gambler. I read through the thread you posted and noen of this stuff matters unless your H gets his gambling under control. You should be reading books like Codependent No More. (You may have already.) Do you go to AlAnon?
Also, if you are not happy with your current counselor, get a new one. You had a good idea asking the church for a recommendation.
But one thing I do know if your H is running up huge debts, there are no love languages to help that. People mean well here.
From your other thread:
Quote:
I wanted to scream: I WANT TO CHANGE! HELP ME TO CHANGE THINGS AND IMPROVE OUR MARRIAGE!
You should have scream that out. I remember yelling at my C once. Don't be afraid to confront.
While I can 't be sure, the real choice for your H is gambling or family. He may be agreeing with MLC to shut you up.
IMP- Thanks for your reply. I see what you're saying. He has always gambled (office pools, occassional trip to the track), but didn't develop a real problem with it until 3 or so years ago. I guess I'm thinking that he's been in a MLC and started to use gambling as an escape and it got out of control. He does attend GA meetings twice a week and he says he is doing well, but I have a hard time REALLY believing it since he was doing that when he slipped before. I know that I can't control what he does and I have to find a way to trust him again if things are ever going to work out between us.
I have not attended any al-anon or gam-anon meetings, although I know I should. I will try to check out the book you recommended. Thanks.
It is perfectly logical that it would take time to learn to trust again. Plenty of people in recovery have a hard time figuring things out. So you should be treading lightly at this point. You could be right about using gambling as an escape. It is so difficult to know for sure what happened with him. Go slowly. Get an idea where he might be, but don't obsess on his every move. That will drive you nutty.
I think that my lack of trust is what drove him over the edge. He came home very late from a GA meeting one night and I just "lost it" the next morning. I said that I couldn't stand that I didn't trust him, blah, blah, blah, went off on all of the things we are missing out on because of his gambling. If I could take back any argument from the past 15 years, it would be that one.
Anyone else have any advice? Maybe someone who's had to deal with other types of addictions? Thanks!
I know about the 12 step program. If you H doesn't understand the lack of trust, then he has a problem. If I were his sponsor and he told me what happened, I would say tell him that you had every right to feel as you do and I would tell him to apologize to you. One of the steps says "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Well he needs to make amends to you.
A little history. I used to smoke a ton of dope and I got pissed off at my wife after drinking and scared the sh*t out of her. So I stopped drinking for a year and a half and I don't allow dope to rule my life.
I don't see a problem with you telling him how you feel.
IMP- He has apologized in the past, and has been remorseful, but I'm not really sure that he has made amends. What exactly does "make amends" mean?
I've always had a problem with the fact that at his GA group he does not have a sponsor. I thought the 12 step programs all had sponsors.
He has said that he thinks that since I don't trust him now, then I won't ever trust him. I'm working on it, but I don't know what actions I could take to trust him. It just has to happen over time, right?
Make amends can mean a number of things. But things paying people back. Acknowledging doing wrong. Be remorseful and actually mean it. Some things you can't so anything about but the acknowledgement is key. He really can't pay you back for the money, but he can become a good husband. He shows no such compulsion. One of the big things with 12 steps is to have a sponsor.
