Hello all you wonderful DB'ers. I am so glad that I found you.
Obviously, I am new to the board. I hope it is not presumptious to expect help with my particular sitch, but I just don't have the money for a phone session right now. You get what you pay for, I know, but I can use all the help I can get right now.
Brief run-down: WAW, at least 2 PA's (one pre-bomb, one post)and several EA's, obvious MLC, I was in DEEP denial until bomb was dropped in April. Forced confession(s) soon after, tried counseling (premature, very ineffective, she quit after 1 session), she moved to her mother's with our 3.5 year old son (whom I love profoundly). All kinds of other issues, anyway I went through just about every possible mistake before I finally got the clue that an R/M/Life is just like anything else that needs fixing when it is broken (I'm a repairmen by trade/experience/inclination). Shut up, started reading everything I could (I'm a natural reader), found DR (Finally!), got to work.
Current Status: Been doing LRT for about 2 months, believe she has reversed her plan to bolt (current OM lives in another state, found out she has 1 way ticket booked for next month on what I presume is his birhtday, not taking the kid). In an effort to reverse some of the damage I had caused, I implied some time ago that a divorce was what I now want, then quit talking about it. She had promised to send her proposal to me over a month ago, never came. We've done pretty well about maintaining contact for our son and trying to share/split time with him (much better since starting LRT), not spending much time together (but lots of smiles, no tension when we do).
Latest mistake/opportunity: This past Sunday, called to speak to son and discuss schedule for the week. Needs got the better of me, and I mentioned that we were at the 1 month point (1 month after she had promised proposal, but also 1 month from her upcoming flight that she may or may not know that I know about. Confusing, I know) and that we should probably talk to "keep things moving forward". Met for coffee, had a wonderful time ( no R talk, just friendly conversation), finally brought up business to find that she had not brought proposal and would send it next day. Things then got a bit hairy, including her asking if I was "seeing anybody", but I think I got through it okay. Yesterday, I had my son, checked my e-mail, and she actually sent her proposal (asking for everything and then some, no way could she get it if I fight because of our state's legal system and the evidence I have). I managed to sound really cool upbeat and even grateful for her efforts when we spoke last night (we always, no matter how bad it has gotten, make sure that the other gets to tell him good night over the phone), but I'm not sure what to do now. Do I pay my lawyer to craft a response/counter offer? Do I just ignore it as best I can and keep DB'ing? The only way I seem to make any progress is to pretend that I want a divorce, and I do have to admit that I am not real fond of her right now, but that boy is worth so much to me. I don't know if she can ever be worthy of us (my son and I), but I want her to at least have the chance to try and make herself better.
Sorry for the book-length post, but very few people in my life understand what I am trying to do or why I am doing it. I think a few of you folks might. I could write another book on her psyche, probaly 2 or 3 on my own, but I hope the info contained here may be enough to get one of you more wise than I started.
Please let me know of any idea that does not involve a bridge.
Get an aggressive attorney. Let him/her go to work and do what they are paid to do.
In the mean time, be nice, agreeable and happy. Work on you, be a great dad. Don't ask her anything. If she goes, so what? Are you going to meet her at the airport and hang on to her legs so she can't board the plane?
Cowboy up brother. If she would leave her 3.5 year old like that, do you really want her?
Only you know the hows and whys of that answer.
You can only control you, so work hard on you. This includes protecting all of you, ie; your property/assets. How will you take care of your child if you are broke and homeless?
Another advantage to getting an attorney is no more R talk of any kind. This is a great excuse out of R talk. Just tell her, look it's up the lawyers now, they can discuss it, and then talk about your child, your new hobbies, your next big adventure, anything but the R.
Actually, I kind of am hoping she gets on the plane if she won't consider reconciliation. That gives me everything I need to make a real divorce happen (abandonement don't play in this state).
My worry is that she may have already "come to her senses" and is just testing me with the proposal. I'm heading to her mom's house in a few to take my son out to dinner, just talked to her on the phone (lots of laughter/good conversation, no R), will probably see her. Wish me luck.
P.S. Work on myself? Hell, not only does she not believe the changes in me, I can hardly believe them myself (10 more sit-ups and I can probably get into your line of work).
Actually, I kind of am hoping she gets on the plane if she won't consider reconciliation. That gives me everything I need to make a real divorce happen (abandonement don't play in this state).
My worry is that she may have already "come to her senses" and is just testing me with the proposal. I'm heading to her mom's house in a few to take my son out to dinner, just talked to her on the phone (lots of laughter/good conversation, no R), will probably see her. Wish me luck.
P.S. Work on myself? Hell, not only does she not believe the changes in me, I can hardly believe them myself (10 more sit-ups and I can probably get into your line of work).
That is an awesome attitude!
You have to Act As If. Be genuine in your belief that if she gets on that plane she just might not be the kind of woman you want to partner with in making a life, reaching your dreams and showing your child what a great relationship looks like.
Keep it up, no R talk. Even if she wants to, don't. Not until she is determined to build a new and better R. Believe me when I tell you, I fell for that one at least a hundred times until I figured it out. I kept asking myself, how in the world am I getting into an R talk with her? I'm not starting it, I don't even want to have it. Then I realized, in my efforts to validate, I was standing by while she would initiate an R talk. Most of the time it was almost as if she was talking to herself and I was just a bystander. She was trying to convince herself that she was making the right decision and every time I would point out my changes or defend myself I was just helping her make her case.
In my experience they want to massage their guilt so they start a conversation that quickly devolves into a list of reasons you suck. If you defend yourself, point out your changes you only reinforce their beliefs and assist them in feeling less guilty about their steadfast WAW posture.
Don't do it. There is nothing to discuss but childcare and finances. Everything is just the way your working it, lots of laughter/good conversation and no R talk. Keep it light, keep it happy.
It will make you feel better as well. There is no way we, the LBS, walk away from a R talk in which they remind us, (and themselves) of all the reasons they don't want to be with us. Screw that. Don't give them the stick the need to hit you.
Good job on the situps. Add some superman's in there between sets of situps and you will have the posture of a king.
What's a superman? I would like to know because I'm well on my way to six pack abs and If I could speed up the process it would be great.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
What's a superman? I would like to know because I'm well on my way to six pack abs and If I could speed up the process it would be great.
Bang out a set of crunches, when you can't move another inch, roll over onto your stomach and raise your arms and legs off the floor. As if you are flying like Superman, do as many reps as you can, holding the top contracted portion for 3 to 5 seconds each rep.
Alternate back and forth for as many sets as you can.
Thanks, I will try that, sorry if I hijacked the thread, for what it's worth walking, I also believe that you may be being tested as well, and it looks like you're doing fine.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Update: Took the boy to Dairy Queen, he's really wore out. Got a few good laughs out of him, though. Even got him to tell me a joke.
She drove past, on her phone (of course, she's got a real unhealthy addiction going there), nearly strained her neck looking for my truck.
Saw her at the drop off, brought the boy home some ice cream that just happens to contain all of her favorite ingredients. A bit gratuitous, perhaps, but I hardly think I can be blamed for having a little fun at her expense.
They invited me to stay, but I said I had to hit the road. She insisted on a goodbye hug, which has kind of become the norm for when we see each other. She may have held on a micro second longer than usual to catch my new cologne, but I was probably just imagining it. Who knows.
Downside: I did by a pack of smokes on the way home, but I'm back on the wagon tomorrow. Honest injun.
Don't beat yourself up about the smokes. Your juggling a bunch of chainsaws right now. Take it one moment at a time.
Sounds like you did a great job of having a night with your son, fully engaged in that moment. Just remember what every guest ever said about being on the old Johnny Carson show, they all said it was as if time stopped when you got in that chair and Carson started to dialogue with them. He would look them directly in the eye and act completely interested in whatever it was they were talking about.
I started to apply that with my kids as soon as I read it. It did wonders for our relationships. I didn't know where to start so I started with giving them my full attention. It only took a few times for them to start running up to me as soon as they would see me, pouring out all the details of their day.
Getting your son to tell you a joke is awesome. You're dad of the day!
You already know this, don't put too much into her actions. Detach, detach, detach. Hugs are just hugs, don't think too much about it. I made a similar mistake early on, in desparation I said, "what about sex, you say you don't want to be with me but then you'll have sex with me?" My W's response taught me a quick lesson about putting too much stock in anything they do, she said, "I can have sex with you because..., I can, it's just a physical act, we're both here and we are both safe so why not? That's all it is".
Wow. That hurt. So I learned quickly to not think anything, give any consideration to anything the WAW does. As soon as you do, you start to cling, pursue or desire more and they just aren't there yet.
I treat it this way, if I get hugs/kisses/whatever, great. If not, I'll live, it's really not a need and I'm to the point now where it isn't even a preference. So now, if it happens okay, if it doesn't I'm not hurt nor do I think the R has improved or deteriorated. It just is.
