In need of help

[sadhearted]

You know I read some other posts in here and I think well I've only been doing this a little over a month so maybe I shouldn't get so upset or worried. Sometimes it's just hard to stay calm.

I'm on day 4 of not seeing H and day 3 of not talking. And I know now is the time for me to focus on me and the kids. Some days are harder to remember that then others. I know I can't control what he does or doesn't do. I know I only have control of my actions and reactions. Believe I KNOW all this but it doesn't make it any easier. Hopefully with time I'll get better at it.

I mean there has been no talk of divorce. The only thing that has been said was right after he moved out he came by to tell the kids and told me he wasn't going to rush to file any paperwork unless I wanted him too. Otherwise he said he was going to drag his feet. Which is fine with me. Even better if he never files. I don't want a divorce. Deep down I find it hard to believe that's what he REALLY wants. Course I could be wrong. I had someone tell me the other day well you know him better then anyone else. Which is true, but at the moment it feels like I don't really know him all that well.

Since this has all happened I've opened my eyes and I finally get it. It just hurts that at the moment he has no desire to give me the chance to show him that I get it. He says things like I loved you but right now I don't trust anyone enough to love them and share a life with. I know he's being selfish right now and off finding himself and being happy. Problem with that is he is no happier away then when he was home. You would think since this is what He wanted then he'd be somewhat happier. And I know I need to stop worring about him and worry about me and my kids. I just need to snap out of it....

Still waiting to hear back from the lady on setting up my interview.

[Just_D]

I think most of us get it now... LOL!!

My DH dropped the bomb 2 years ago totally out of the blue. Rocked my entire world... shattered it. It was like he had cut my legs out from beneath me and I'm still learning how to walk with these new legs, ya know?

There have been times over the past 2 years where he cries about how much he "loved" me... but that he gave all he had to give and there's nothing left. Even like on New Year's, he said we would make it through this and be better than before. Then he says that and instances like that were him "just trying".

I don't believe my DH really wants this either. Honestly, I know I did take him and our marriage for granted. I just figured he'd always be there. Man, was my whole world rocked. He says I abandoned him during my depression (undiagnosed/untreated) for years. I can understand how the attention of someone else would be appealing... because even now I know I would love some attention. So he had a PA... I think it was an EA longer, but he told me soon (within a week) after it happened and had no contact after that. Well, after I called her. Anyway, *I* think he feels guilty. *I* think he shuts down and blames me and tells me he's not in love with me to justify what he did. To give him reason for his actions. Because if he didn't love me and I had abandoned him, then what he did can't be so horrible. But I believe that if he lets himself think about what he did, it's too painful to realize how much he has really hurt me. After he told me, he would cry saying he couldn't believe he did it and couldn't believe how much he hurt me. I think that scares him and he shuts me out.

Granted, I have been desperate since then to keep hold of him and my marriage. It was not a good thing. Honestly, until we separated, I couldn't look him in the eyes. For over 2 years, I couldn't look him in the eyes. Now I can. Now the tension is not there. Now, though, he says he is happier away. It's a relief to not have that tension any more, but I think we belong together (how childish does that sound? LOL).

Anyway...

[sadhearted]

Yeah shame it takes something like this to wake us all up.

We've been seperated once before for 2 months back in 02. He's also left for a week or two a couple other times. Each time he's come back and we've been good. Yet somehow we always end up back here. I think sometimes people think I'm crazy for still wanting my marriage after all this. Fact is I love him. Have since we first got together.

I'm told I shouldn't put too much stock into what he's "saying" because at this point it's still fresh and he's still hurt and even if he wanted to come back right now his pride isn't letting him. I don't know. I mean at one point he told me he didn't want to kick the ball for fear of falling on his back, but the same day told his sister in law that he did want to kick it. Course this has been about a month and now all I hear is I can't come home nothing's changed, I don't see how we can ever be together again.

I think he's confused and he doesn't know what he really wants. I hope at some point he will look in himself and realize he's no happier away from his family then with his family. Don't get me wrong I know I'm partially to blame. I know I wasn't meeting all his needs the way I should have been. But right now I'm the one wanting to make it work and he isn't open to the possibilty.

It's hard not having contact with him. I'm used to the every day contact. And now it's more like weekly contact. Unless he gets a bug and decides he "needs" to tell me something. Which hasn't happened in a while so we aren't talking. I'm trying to not be as available to him also. I haven't logged in to my IM in the last couple days so he hasn't seen me online. He called last night to talk to the kids but I was outside so he ended up leaving a message saying he'd call tonight.

Yeah I'd love some attention too just from my husband. I can't even imagine starting all over with someone else if he ends up asking for a divorce. I have no desire to start over. Call me crazy. lol

Mine has never had an affair. Well I can say that up until this time. I have no idea what he is doing now. But I don't think there's anyone now. I mean nothing to suggest it anyway so why think that way ya know? Sure it's possible just like he can think it's possible with me. As for me NO WAY. One's more then a handful.

Yeah I believe me and my H belongs together also. I really believe that. Hope one day he believes it again too. People have to think I'm nuts to want to keep going. Oh well I have to do what I think is right otherwise I'll live with regrets. Well more then what I all ready have. lol

[Just_D]

I'm sure people think I'm crazy for continuing trying to save my marriage. Especially since it's been so long and that he had an affair. I remember thinking "If my DH ever had an affair, I'd be out the door." Ha!! ALL I could think about was saving my marriage!!!

On the IM thing. We're on Yahoo. I'm his only contact. Michelle talks about reading the signs or whatever. At first, he wouldn't log on. So when he does, I *know* he's doing it for me. Actually, we've talked to C about it and at first he HATED that I used it to "reach out and touch him". Because honestly, if even we don't talk on IM (and I RARELY initiate any contact now), it IS a comfort seeing him there.

You know, I look at DH and still get butterflies. We usually go out on the lake each weekend and watching him on the wake board... well, he just looks so good... LOL!!!

I can't believe we're here. It just doesn't make sense. We were the couple that people wanted to be. Since this has happened, one of his best friends who used to use our marriage as an example of what he wants has now said he will never get married.

I wish DH would come to his senses... LOL!! I equate it to cartoons with the anvils being dropped on their heads. If only I could drop it on his head to bring him back.

Here's a Keith Urban song that is *almost* perfect.

You said you needed your space
I wasn't where you wanted to be
I didn't stand in your way
I only want you to be happy
And so surprised am I to see you here tonight

Well, can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so

Sometimes in our lives
We get to where we wonder if
The long road that we're on
Is heading in the same direction
When it comes to you and me
We're right where I know we should be

Oh, can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so

Sometimes it's like we're deep in nothing but love
And the slightest thing can grow so foolishly
Please

Oh, can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so
But I told you so
Should have known better
Than to leave me, baby
Should have known better
Than to leave me, darling

[sadhearted]

OMG!!! I LOVE that song. My sis in law told me about it so I looked it up online. Love it!!

See that's the one thing my H thinks he could do and I'd say fine I give up. Not the case cause I know IF he does it that's why he's doing it. Well most likely. Now who knows could be him trying to move on.

Yeah mine didn't log on the first couple weeks he was gone. Then there he was. Now it's hit or miss. He's on during the day while at work but at night may or may not be. I haven't logged on last couple days soo... And I'm usually ALWAYS on. lol Yeah I know all about the it's just nice seeing him online thing. Sometimes I just smile to see him on. Crazy huh

Yeah I thought we had gotten our stuff all worked out after the last marriage counseling and house fire. (whole other story) Guess we didn't have it as figured out as we thought. Hate being here. I just want my H back.

Yeah sometimes I just want to shake mine to get him to come to his senses. Guess all I can do is sit back and wait. Hopefully one day...

[Just_D]

Mine expects me to ask him to come back. I won't. At first I wanted to, but friends talked me out of it. Good thing cuz I know now it would have been wrong.

DH is "roughing it". ATM, he's in a studio apt with no internet access... so I only "see" him at work. I'm in the house with no talk of selling. Thank goodness for small favors, huh?

Yep... we wait together I guess... lol... and keep hoping...

oooh... he just IM'd me

[sadhearted]

Oh well I've told mine he can come home but I stopped doing that about a week ago. Small steps I guess.

Mine has an apartment with a air mattress and his computer. Oh and a tomato plant. He is slowly getting other things like dishes... Yeah I still have the house which we got from my stepdad when he married my mom. So the payments are thru him and not a bank or something. Which at the moment is a huge help.

I gotta say waiting sucks. lol... I will not stop hoping that's for sure.

Good news?

[Just_D]

He was asking about my dr's appt. I went to the dermatologist to have some things checked out and they biopsied one of them. I also had this thing on my leg that if I cut it (like when I got new blades in my razor) would bleed non-stop... and mean like gush down my leg. Anyway, he cauterized that. So he was asking about that. I would not have said anything... kinda like playing a game. I waited until he brought it up. So it wasn't some earth shattering declaration of love and devotion and regret.

We're also talking about beach trip this weekend. I am REALLY trying to not be excited that we're going together. I mean, I'm gonna try to play it like it's no big deal and not fall all over him. Actually I'm kinda nervous... lol. WTH?

His studio apt... it's furnished and has a bed (full size) that comes out of the wall. He has bought dishes, towels, and a small TV. If he doesn't eat here (which he rarely does), he usually eats out or has one of those cheap Totino's pizza.

[sadhearted]

Ah good thinking. My stepdad told me to keep him guessing.... So I'm going to try really hard when I get my job to not even tell him. I mean we have kids so he'll obviously find out, but I'm not going to rush out and do it myself. (or so I'm telling myself) lol

Least you all are doing stuff together. My oldest has a soccer tournament next month out of town. Just found out the arrangements and informed my H. Not sure how he feels about it. We'll be sharing a room with double beds and two kids mind you. He seems to think that's just not right. He hasn't said yes or no at this point. I told him look this isn't about us this is about Jared. We had this planned before he left and it's only one night for crying out loud.

Couldn't tell you what mine eats or when or how he's sleeping or how is job is going or... Well couldn't tell you anything actually. lol

[sadhearted]

Well here we go. The company called and I have an interview with them tomorrow morning... I'm excited, and nervous. lol been so long since I've interviewed..

Wish me luck.