One Wish...I think, except for a few minor hiccups that Frank D identified, you did quite well yesterday...you have to preserve yourself through this whole thing...you can't discount yourself and keep on being totally agreeable at the expense of sacrificing who you are and the minimal amount of respect you are due as a reasonable human being.
I did want to make sure that I took the time to think this through before giving her a response. It just really bothered me when I called her back and she had D3 answer the telephone saying that she wants to go camping. That was not appropriate. It is her using D3 to get to me and make me feel guilty. W said that D3 wants to go. It is REALLY my W that wants to go. W then began to try to get me upset saying that she is going to take her. I did feel proud of myself for not giving in again to her requests. I have always given in to what she has wanted. She wanted to take D3 to Disneyland, to family function/birthday parties, she wants D3 at 11:00am for her birthday party/sleep over, etc. I have always re-arranged my schedule for her. Now that I have plans it bothers her. I am so excited to be moving out into my OWN place that I am starting to respect myself so much. I have realized that I am starting to look at myself a totally different way. I have been GAL and realizing that I am a great person and a good father. I told my W the other night when we she was arguing with me that I feel good about myself because D3 said that she loves me and said that I am the best daddy. My W quickly said the most asinine thing in the world. She said, ‘have you ever read Dave Pelz’s book? She said that kids love their parents regardless of if the abuse them or not.’ What that hell is that?
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..when you totally sacrifice yourself and it gets totally unbalanced as it seems have gotten with your R, then you will begin to have a hard time respecting yourself...guess what happens then? well, if you can't respect yourself because you have been passive and subservient (basically a doormat) then how can you expect others to respect you?? without respect for yourself and from others, you cannot be attractive to anyone...I am not suggesting one has to be condescending or an a#&hole...just to hold your ground with dignity.
I am working on this 180. It is something that I never really did. She does not like that she is not getting her way all the time any more. She is always quick to criticize me and try to get me worked up. I just let it go and don’t even call her back to argue. I know that this shows myself and her that I am strong and not going to play games.
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..I think you are starting to find that your wife has a multitude of issues and there is a maturity factor which is playing into this with her...she does sound spoiled and I think she has always had someone around to do for her.....remember always to be respectful to her because you can only hope to get respect if you give it...
This is true. Her father gives her whatever she wants. She is the only girl out of 6 kids. Her brothers are all spoiled too. They all have Hummers or Escalades and their wives don’t work. They work for their dad…I mean are given money from their dad. I am working on this respect thing. I am sure that it will take time to get better. I am always trying to treat her just as I would like to be treated. I never criticize or blame her. I treat her good, maybe too good. I will see her today and will say hello with a big smile and leave quickly. I can honestly look in the mirror and see such a great, attractive, and confident guy. By me getting my own place, I am showing myself and everyone that I can do this on my own. I do not need to be co-dependent. I have a nice place with D3’s big bedroom. D3 did tell my W that her bedroom will be pink and will have Aurora in her room. I am sure this upset my W because I am moving on.
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I did not find myself attractive so how could I even think my wife found me attractive? it was only after I found that middle ground and started asserting myself in a respectful, objective and rational way did I get her attention and salvage my marriage...
I feel attractive on the inside and outside! I feel so great about myself. I almost feel a high. I know that my W is still attracted to me, she just is dealing with some issues on her own. One more thing. I got an e-mail from her grandfather (Christian Pastor). I looked to see if my W’s name was on the e-mail and it was not. It was one of those FWD e-mails. I haven’t received an e-mail from him since last fall. I didn’t know if I should respond to the e-mail or not. This time around I haven’t done anything that I did in the past to piss my W off. I use to contact her relatives and she would ALWAYS find out. Not sure if this is working or not. At least when I was contacting her relatives, my W kept asking about my new changes and seemed curious. Maybe they were feeding her seeds of doubts so that she could see that she is losing a great 29 year old, Master’s Educated, attractive, awesome father, and great person with her poor choices! She had better wake up!
One more thing, hope to get a response before I pick up D3 in 3 hours. I am sure that my W is going to try to talk again about the weekend trying to get me to switch days. I think that I will just firmly state that I will pick up D3 on Saturday. I am not going to say Sorry because I didn't do anything. We COULD all go, but that is not going to happen. Should have told my that she must not want to go that bad because we could all go...lol
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
"One more thing, hope to get a response before I pick up D3 in 3 hours. I am sure that my W is going to try to talk again about the weekend trying to get me to switch days. I think that I will just firmly state that I will pick up D3 on Saturday. I am not going to say Sorry because I didn't do anything. We COULD all go, but that is not going to happen. Should have told my that she must not want to go that bad because we could all go...lol"
That is the route I would take. Although I'm currently fluctuating between agreeing/cooperating and taking a stand.
For me, it comes down to N.U.T.S. If its a NUT, I won't compromise or cooperate. Anything else is small stuff.
Whew! I arrived at my W's office. I usually text or call to let her know that I am on my way. I have always arrived at the same time, so I figured not to text her. I arrive and W asks if I texted her. I said, no. I get into her office and D3 is watching a cartoon movie. D3 said that she wants to leave after hte movie is over. I would have loved to stay and watched the movie, but I feel that I need to get in and out quickly. I told D3 that we can't do this and it is time to go. D3 starts crying. I gather her items and have her give mommy a kiss. I then leave.
It breaks my heart to see D3 crying. She was the happiest kid ever. She was never sad unless she hurt herself. It just sucks that she is sad from time to time. I know that this kills my wife in the inside too. I just wish that my W would open her eyes and at least consider something and stop being stubborn.
I'll get back on later. D3 is napping.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
dude, we will have to catch up tomorrow. Things changed a bit in my situation a few hours after we talked.
I know it's killing you to see your D3 upset. That is just brutal. Maybe stick with texting. This way your W can start prepping her, stop the movie, that type of thing. Might make the handoff go a bit smoother.
re; attactiveness. Getting A Life is the biggest kick in the pants in this area. As soon as I started to go out with a group of friends my self-esteem got such a shot in the arm, it was unbelievable. I really was able to truly detach as I realized pretty quickly that I would have my hands full the second I became single. Realizing there are thousands of women that would kill for a guy like me, (and you ) went a long way towards helping me grab my bootstraps and pull. It's a lot easier to think, I would prefer this not happen but if it does, I'll be okay..., when you really know this to be true. Some things you can't fake. The only way to be genuine in your GAL'ing is to actually GAL. I know you're doing this, I just wish a lot more of the folks on this board would do so as well.
Tampa, how long were you separated and how long did you go dark? Thanks! (Sorry for the hijack)
I was separated twice in 2005...the first time for two months during the summer then again about two and a half months later from the middle of October until the beginning of February of last year...the first separation I handled very poorly and was too needy and meddling in my WAW's life...when she got back in the house in between the separations I was still too needy, subservient and a total doormat...it seemed I could not do enough for everyone and except for dressing myself and other basic bodily functions, everything I did was for everyone...total sacrifice of myself...the second separation I started out handling it as I did the first but finally got rational and decided it was not productive to conduct myself in this manner...besides, my self esteem had taken a hit to a new low and although I am a very imperfect human being, self esteem has never been a huge issue for me...I think between the beginning of November, 2005 and the first week of January, 2006 I only heard from my WAW maybe three times and saw her only once...in fact, between Thanksgiving 2005 right on thru the New Year there was maybe just one phone call or email during that time...check my thread for the details...it is a part of my life that I am trying to forget except for the lessons learned...I was probably the King of Darkness but I spent the time finding my self worth again and basically GAL in a very healthy and productive way which, in a way, the extended darkness facilitated that in a big way...I had the inner fortitude when the time came to put it on the line and do the right things in getting my marriage back...funny how God works if you just don't fight his plan!!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
re; attactiveness. Getting A Life is the biggest kick in the pants in this area. As soon as I started to go out with a group of friends my self-esteem got such a shot in the arm, it was unbelievable. I really was able to truly detach as I realized pretty quickly that I would have my hands full the second I became single. Realizing there are thousands of women that would kill for a guy like me, (and you ) went a long way towards helping me grab my bootstraps and pull. It's a lot easier to think, I would prefer this not happen but if it does, I'll be okay..., when you really know this to be true. Some things you can't fake. The only way to be genuine in your GAL'ing is to actually GAL. I know you're doing this, I just wish a lot more of the folks on this board would do so as well.
Bingo!! This guy has got it down!!
Let me add this too...if you are a guy who truly has a life, meaning a good career, a nice home and other comforts, fairly intelligent, a sense of humor, respect for the Almighty and just responsible in general you are a rarer commodity than you think and you will be extremely attractive to more women than you realize...
I truly believe that a good man as it concerns marriage is generally alot harder commodity to find than a good woman who respects the concept of marriage...with that said, if a woman comes to some sort of rationality, she will realize that a truly good man is a rare commodity and this is where a good man holds some leverage...at the very least, another woman, probably one that experienced first hand being with a cad, will appreciate an honest and good man with his priorities straight and it will make for a very happy and satisfying relationship where both will appreciate who the other person is...it all starts with a healthy self and healthy self respect because you cannot give it if you dont have it for yourself...rule one...
One Wish is pretty much doing these things for himself now...if his wife comes around in her way of thinking and dealing with her own issues which culminates in them going forward together then I know we all think this to be the best scenario...however if it doesnt work out that way, then he is doing the things that eventually will lead to a happy life with someone else...I commend him for his efforts...he is significantly younger than me and I wish I had his resolve and intelligence when I was his age...I didnt learn what he seems to have a good grasp of until I was about fifteen years older...better late than never I guess!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
Let me add this too...if you are a guy who truly has a life, meaning a good career, a nice home and other comforts, fairly intelligent, a sense of humor, respect for the Almighty and just responsible in general you are a rarer commodity than you think and you will be extremely attractive to more women than you realize...
I truly believe that a good man as it concerns marriage is generally alot harder commodity to find than a good woman who respects the concept of marriage...with that said, if a woman comes to some sort of rationality, she will realize that a truly good man is a rare commodity and this is where a good man holds some leverage...at the very least, another woman, probably one that experienced first hand being with a cad, will appreciate an honest and good man with his priorities straight and it will make for a very happy and satisfying relationship where both will appreciate who the other person is...it all starts with a healthy self and healthy self respect because you cannot give it if you dont have it for yourself...rule one...
One Wish is pretty much doing these things for himself now...if his wife comes around in her way of thinking and dealing with her own issues which culminates in them going forward together then I know we all think this to be the best scenario...however if it doesnt work out that way, then he is doing the things that eventually will lead to a happy life with someone else...I commend him for his efforts...he is significantly younger than me and I wish I had his resolve and intelligence when I was his age...I didnt learn what he seems to have a good grasp of until I was about fifteen years older...better late than never I guess!
i want to add to this something one of our past church leaders wrote on this subject:
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The escapist never escapes. If two people, selfish and self-centered and without the spirit of forgiveness, escape from each other, they cannot escpae from themselves. The disease is not cured by the separation or the divorce, and it will most assuredly follow along in the wake of future marriages. The cause must be removed. Each is likely to carry into the next marriage all the weaknesses and sins and errors they have now, unless you repent and transform. And if you will change your life for a new spouse, why not for the present one?
We know divorce is not the answer, and if two people will let go of selfishness and work together to make improvements, good things will happen. And if you're going to work on being married, why not with your current spouse? What a profound idea?!?!?!?
One of my favorite quotes is from Soundgarden - the grass is only greener where the dog has sh!t.
Make the grass green on your side of the fence, another person is not the answer...
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
JR...how in the heck did you ever end up where you are now??...you know of what you speak!! I couldnt agree with you more!! A person can run but they cannot hide...if they dont fix themselves and that means being brutally honest with oneself and then urgently doing corrective action then they are only kidding themselves...they will not be happy with anyone else and their lives will be a hopeless chain and pattern of repeats and failures...sooner or later these unaddressed issues will come back to haunt and result in anxiety and unhappiness...the score always gets evened...the Almighty makes sure there is a score...there is no use in evading it...in fact, the same amount of energy avoiding the issues at hand could easily solve them...it all evens out...
Meanwhile, to walk away is the first step in avoiding the issue and the lifetime scar that divorce leaves is equal to the death of a loved one nevermind what it has done to children caught in the crossfire...just look at society today and I dont know how anyone can argue that the problem with kids today is rooted in all the broken homes...divorce is never the answer...making a good choice in the beginning and resolving yourself that marriage is for keeps is the answer...adversity is an opportunity for growth not something to be avoided!!!!!!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
) went a long way towards helping me grab my bootstraps and pull. It's a lot easier to think, I would prefer this not happen but if it does, I'll be okay..., when you really know this to be true. Some things you can't fake. The only way to be genuine in your GAL'ing is to actually GAL. I know you're doing this, I just wish a lot more of the folks on this board would do so as well.