After the end of my H's EA last weekend(I know, it's naive to say it's over but it was w/ my BF and both she and her H assure me it's over-looong story but let's assume it is over, at least for now. I am trying my 180(going out w/ friends; spending time watching tv w/ him instead of on the computer; working out instead of complaining about gaining weight) & my cheerleading (positive attitude). As expected, he is being a smart@$$, short answers to my Q's, and moping around (mourning the 'loss' of the OW) but we have had a few laughs and he says he's not leaving (baby on the way in 7 mos) to let me have this baby on my own & he hopes to goodness we'll work it out by then. Knowing that he has no clue on what to fix, much less how to get started, he has said he's scared this will not work out. He wants to feel connected and in love w/ me again, which is what i want too. I am trying not to get frustrated, b/c it's only been a week or so, but he's not one to have an open mind & he's quite stubborn.
So, do I just sit back and trust my strategies are working?? How in the world do you make someone fall back in love with you when the 1st time was so much easier (we know all the basic details about each other's lives now, it's hard to even know what to talk about!!) And, how do I know when I should be "getting a life" vs. spending time w/ him (b/c that was part of our problem)?
I'm trying to be patient but yet realistic. I've read Divorce Remedy 2x and it is awesome. I'm just worried my time will run out before his stubborn self gives up, or he doesn't realize that our problems are being fixed and he's just blind. Help!!
Me/H:27 Married: 3 years
Children: 1 on the way-he had been trying to have a baby w/ me while the EA was going on.
Bomb: 5/6/07-I don't think I have feelings for you anymore. (denied affair) 6/15/07-busted--EA with my best friend.
Sounds like you are making an effort, and he might be willing to make an effort. There is a program that helped me and my husband. It was a complete turning point for us. The program is called Retrouvaille, meaning rediscovery in French. It started in Canada, but now has marital retreat weekends in most American cities and many European countries. They have a website, http://www.retrouvaille.org. with information on where and when the weekends are. For the program to work, both partners have to be willing to try. (Although I think my H was resistant at first, but he did come around.) Some people don't want to try Retrouvaille because it is affiliated with the Catholic Church. If that is not your religion, and it is not mine or my H's, you will have some time to let your mind wander while the priest speaks. The program is open to all denominations.
Remember, it has only been A WEEK. You need to be patient if you want to work your M out. Unfortunately, the one who cheated doesn't always jump up and make all sorts of apologies and try to make everything great & wonderful again.
In my sitch, H dropped the D bomb and had had previous A's that I had forgiven and then ended up telling me about another EA that he was having during the D sitch. Now that everything is 'great & wonderful' for us again, he is acting like nothing ever happened. Unfortunately, we (you and I) are left to deal w/ a lot of cr*p.
If you truly want to stay in your M, forgiveness is a daily process. Each day, you may need to 'remind' yourself that you want to forgive your H for what has happened. You are going to go through a grief-like process, anger, resentment, etc.
While you are doing all of this, you are going to have to continue to DB and be the happy W and loving W, etc. It sucks at times and is not easy, but one person has to begin to make the effort to get things back on track and it may be awhile before he starts to put any effort into things.
I know it doesn't sound 'fair,' but if you really want to save your M, you are going to have to put in the work and see what happens.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You are in the very early stages of recovery. Dont expect too much too soon. My H's affair ended a year ago and although he was v. quiet about it I am sure he carried around feelings for OW for a long time. They might not have been realistic feelings, just daydreams that kept him going through our ups and downs, but its hard to compete with a fictional OW. I expect she can be even more 'ideal' than the real thing. It was only this weekend that he admitted that what he had felt was 'lust' not love and that thinking about things now he realised that OW was not very nice and quite calculating and manipulative. BOY did I NEED to hear that. It came out unsolicited and has really helped me move on a bit further. BUT it has taken a year to get there. As others have said on other posts - baby steps.
Best wishes
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
