Living with my WAW 3

[SuperDad]

Hello All,
I have decided to come back to newcomers from the separated forum since, after deciding to give my W what she wanted and take the kids back to our home state and pursue a S, SHE DECIDED NOT TO GO!

I guess the don's ASSume principle applies here as well.

The last thread is at:
Thread in Separation
It contains a good synopsis of our sitch.

SD

[SuperDad]

I posted this on my thread in Separated forum, but got only a small response, so I am going to repost it here. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks, SD

This leads me to my real concern: DEPRESSION. I went over this with my C, who obviously can't give me a diagnosis. Nevertheless, she has FOR YEARS shown 9 of the 12 symptoms listed in DR. In addition, I think that the break up of her 2 siblings marriages due to infidelity of their S's WITH EACH OTHER, was probably the trigger event for both her MLC and for her further deepening depression. She admits the MLC, but won't see a IC and is trying to convince herself (and me) that nothing is wrong with her.

I am considering confiding in her sister, who is her most trusted advisor in her family (still not that close). W was going to move in with the kids with SIL before she decided not to take the job in Austin and I stayed with her when I was there 2 weeks ago on a job interview. SO, here is my proposed strategy:

I call SIL:
Me: SIL, thanks so much for offering to let W and the kids stay with you. I know that W decided not to take the job and to stay in FL, but I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to support our family in this way.
(Let SIL respond)

Me: SIL, there is something else on my mind that I would like to discuss with you. I am concerned that W's unhappiness may be related to depression. I talked to her about going to IC and she refused. I am not exactly sure why, but I think that she does not see her unhappiness as something that a IC can help with. I would like to ask you to pay attention to her when she visits you next month. If you think that this could be the case, maybe you could talk to her about seeking out an IC?
(LET SIL respond)

Me: SIL, there is one more thing, I know that W will reject any advice from you if she thinks that I am coaching you. You certainly can tell her if you choose, but please know that I am contacting you because I am worried about W. I need her to be happy to be the mom that my kids need. That is my only motivation in talking to you about this, not to do anything about our R.

(let SIL respond)

Me: SIL, thank you so much for listening to me about this and for supporting our family, I know you will do what you think is best and that is all I can ask. Goodbye.
Any suggestions for improvement? Or whether this is a terrible idea?

[stillme]

SD!! Where have I BEEN?! I missed your whole i-moved-over-to-Sep. week and have been playing catch-up as quick as I can.

So, One: Great news on the non-moving!! I'm SO glad you won't be going thru the S from your boys, and see this decision (and her reasons for it) as a teeny tiny crack in W's "Selfish" mode existence during/prior to this sitch. Yay, you! (Yay, her!)

Two: Great boundaries you set. Very strong, yet not controlling of HER so much as setting forth what is good/acceptable for YOU. I love it. Overall, very good - and hopeful (in, o/c, a non-expecting it kind of way).

Three: As for W's (undiagnosed) depression. That's a toughy, & I'm not sure (yet) about the discussion you propose w/W's sis. From my own POV & sitch, I know NOW that I was depressed during ALOT of the past X yrs (certainly thru the events & attitudes H brings up now as reason for his loss of love etc) but would I have been open to him TELLING me I was? (And his way of telling me was to put a finger in my face & say "There's something wrong w/you. etc.") NOW, I tell him that maybe if he'd brought it up in a loving & supportive way (and prolly consistently as well since I would no doubt have resisted & put off - as Still The Ostrich was want to do) -- who knows? I'd like to think that I would have - at some point - gone to talk to someone, esp. if H did it in a non-threatening/controlling/blaming way, esp if he was supportive (maybe offered to go W/me, if only to sit in the waiting room, or said 'Tell me what day your appt is & I'll be sure to be avail to take care of the kids...') But, again, I don't know if that would have made a diff. unless/until I - I - I was ready to know or at least be open to the poss. KWIM?

I'd be interested in others' opinions as well.

In the meantime, welcome back! & I'll be sure to keep more current on your sitch.

PS ~ I DID notice the revised name - LOVE IT! (i never could add that ? before)

PS again ~ So this means you're up for the Aug 11 DBing Fool wkend. Ever been to Cafe Tu Tu Tango? (My new fav place!)

[SuperDad]

Hi j,
Thanks for the thoughts on my sitch. I do feel more in control now that I have set my boundaries and decided what my "path with heart" is. This lets my W then make her choices, knowing that my path is set.

Re: Depression, I am thinking that now may be the time to DO NOTHING. I need to call SIL either way for closure on her incredibly generous offer to share her house with some or all of my family. For now, I think I will just thank her for being there for us.

PS ~ I DID notice the revised name - LOVE IT! (i never could add that ? before)

S again ~ So this means you're up for the Aug 11 DBing Fool wkend. Ever been to Cafe Tu Tu Tango? (My new fav place!)

I am working on my travel schedule and will find a way to at least be there for some of it. Never been to Cafe Tu Tu Tango, but looks great from their web site.

[C_K]

SD

Interesting developments for you to say the least. Sorry if I have missed this but is your W stil with you , if so is she still looking to move out?
Our sitchs seem quite similar at present , my W had PA ( probably over ) still sees no hope for M , seems depressed , drinking etc and looking to move out evidently for last 6 months.

I will be watching your progress with interest.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Dave,
Thanks for posting.

Interesting developments for you to say the least. Sorry if I have missed this but is your W stil with you , if so is she still looking to move out?

We are all still in the same house, she is living in the guest room since she returned from visiting her sister (and OM) in April. I wish I knew what she was thinking, but feel that she needs space for herself to sort things out. Worst case, I will get served. Best case, she will take the time and start taking some postitive action for her own happiness!

Our sitchs seem quite similar at present , my W had PA ( probably over ) still sees no hope for M , seems depressed , drinking etc and looking to move out evidently for last 6 months.

The drinking and depression go together like old friends (disfunctional, co-dependent ones ). This is very frustrating, but I have decided for now to just monitor and DO NOTHING. Unless she takes a turn for the worse, I think she needs the space to work it out for herself.

SD

[cliffy]

SD, welcome back to newcomers. I was losing track a bit when you moved.
I think you are correct in thinking "do nothing" right now. W has a lot to sort out and come to terms with, this probably would not be the best approach at this point. Wait and see.

[SuperDad]

Thanks Cliffy,
I hope your patience is holding out and you are having a good summer for yourself. School will start again before you know it, so enjoy!

I am really learning to be more patient and if nothing else, it helped my golf game a ton this weekend!

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
I spent the past 4 days in Houston with my family (and Nomopo). It was really nice, got to eat some great food, go jogging with by B who flew in from Atlanta, play golf with Dad and 2 bros. All in all a very nice time. 2 of my dad's siblings came over on sat. with their kids and we had a big family get together, just like when I was a boy! It was great and everyone was very supportive, got several comments about how good I look.

Got to meet Nomopo's kids. They are of course full of energy and very well spoken. D4 was cute as button and S6 just like my older one, as older bros. are want to be! It was great to get to meet a fellow DBer and compare notes on our WAWs and sitches at length. We even got out on Sat. evening for a few beers with my bro. Also good to just hang at a pub and talk about something other than our stiches!

The original purpose of the trip was to spend time with my parents to get them to understand our planned separation. Since this is now off, I really did not know what to say other than:

1. It is a complicated sitch, but I am OK and getting better each day.
2. W is having a MLC and is very unhappy.
3. I am in it for the long haul and still am optimistic that W and I can rebuild a new marriage in the future.
4. They cannot do anything other than be there for us.
5. Whatever happens, I need them to still love W and not ostrasize her.

I think seeing me and that I was happy was important for them to internallize and believe all of this. They seemed OK with the whole scenario when I left today, so I think it was sucessful.

Well, gotta get up in a few hours to work out, so goodnight Johnboy!

SD

[C_K]

Sounds like fun , but I have a serious question , how did you get Nomopo away from his blackberry long enough for a conversation