Not sure anymore

[Delil@h]

~CADES, I am sOOOOO GLAD to hear you are doing better. And that he misses you too, that is fabulous.

You deserve some PEACE of mind. Also re: the detaching while he is away. MY H for the past 5 years has worked away for long periods of time .
I found the better I got emotionally,,,
the more I seemed to detach from him. It is actually good I think cause it means you are more comfortable ( i.e. trust etc etc )with him. You can go about your day w/o constantly worrying about what he is doing etc. etc. All my best to you.
awesome news. Good for you. This time away from you is allowing him to miss you. And you being so grounded is good for his spririt. You are doing great~ WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!
~Ali

[**zuzu**]

Cadesmom,

Hi there.

I'm just here to support you and say that I think you're doing great. It's funny how I feel like I'm going through very similar feelings as you, feeling more bold. I admit that I've reached somewhat of a "what about me?" stage and it may not be very helpful, but it's where I'm at. You always sound much more determined and selfless than me and I believe that has contributed to where you guys are at right now.

Best of luck!

PS I can TOTALLY empathize with the "can't even go for a gallon of milk" situation. It frustrates me so much sometimes!

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I had an answer to prayer today. I always call H during the afternoon here to wake him up as it is a.m. over there. This is something he asked me to do and has continued to ask me to do. Well, so I called and of course he's just waking up and the conv isn't all that great b/c of that, but when I got off the phone, I just felt that scared feeling inside. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. That scared feeling that I'm going to lose him again or he's lying about something or he's cheating again or any other number of things.

Well, when I got off the phone, I just prayed about it. I said Lord, I just can't live like this. I can't go on being constantly scared that I'm going to lose him again or that something is constantly wrong. I can't do it now and I certainly don't want to still be doing it when he gets back.

Well, a few minutes later, H actually called me back! He never does this as usually he is just getting ready for work or whatever. Anyway I was at work, but I answered the phone and he said "Hey Hottie." He said I really only get to talk to you 2 times a day and one of those is when I'm half asleep. Anyway, we went on to have a good conv, him telling me what's going on over there for his weekend, as it is already Friday for him.

Anyway, I said "thank you, Lord!" I needed that. I've decided that it's in His hands, just like when we were going through the D sitch. I am just going to trust that H and I are meant to be together, of that I have no doubt and never did doubt it, and just know that all is going to be ok.

[Aud31]

He always sends us what we need just when we need it. You are doing an awesome job, and I'm so glad your H was listening.

[Delil@h]

Awesome post , keep up the good work. Last nite before bed I read your post and it helped me thru my tears realize it will be ok thru GOD, like I used to also during "D" SITCH. Let go and let GOD. I too am tired of feeling the exact same things you do. Fear will not let one move forward, I am so glad he called and brightened your day. Just reading your post helped me calm ,down thanks for posting your thoughts.
God bless...

[RedHeadWife]

Still trying to keep a PMA, and remind myself that I am surely in a lot better place than I could be. We bought a webcam yesterday so we got hooked up & actually were able to see & talk to H. He said that is "going to help him so much." I know he's not having an easy time being over there by himself w/o us. He doesn't look all that great. Pretty tired, etc. Then he left a message while boys & I were at church. Said how much he misses me & loves me. It's just still hard not to let my mind wonder what is sincere and what I can believe or not. I guess I believe he means it, sometimes it's still just hard w/ all that's happened.

[Dr LOve]

Cades -

A web cam Cool,who's Suggestion was it?


Husband

[RedHeadWife]

His. He told me he didn't care how broke we were this pay period, not really but kind of, but that he wanted to see his family. So we went out & got one yesterday. Like I said, he said it was going to make it a lot easier for him. We did it last night and then again today. Our youngest is only 16 months so it will really be good for him. I've been showing him pics ever since H left, but actually seeing him "move" on the computer screen & talk to him is good. Plus H gets to see & hear him say the words he's starting to say & all. Also, our 2 yr old, who will be 3 in August, was having a really hard time w/ H gone too, so I think this will be good for all of us.

Plus, after the boys went to bed last night, H got flashed

[Dr LOve]

How did it feel for you to see his face after all this time?
Good idea with the "flash". Gives him something to look forward to.
Just to let you know I think somewhere you said you wee a red Head. I used to go out with a red headed woman. (BEFORE I GOT MARRIED). She was a LOVER but..... Didn't take much to piss her off then look out.
But it was fun making up again...


husband

[RedHeadWife]

Yep, redhead, and he's sure lucky I didn't pull out my can o' woopa$$ on him during the D sitch. He actually said at one point that one of the reasons he thought things may be ok (this was during one of our ok times) was b/c I didn't yell & scream & call him nasty names. After I quit the begging, pleading sh*t, I just was cool, calm & collected -- outwardly anyway.

I'm not real sure how I felt about seeing him. He's been gone for 2 months now. Like I said, he didn't look real hot -- really tired and pasty white. I know he hasn't been sleeping well.

One thing I've finally come to realize about my H is he seems to need a lot more 'taking care of' than most men it seems. He seems to need more constant attention and maybe even praise or something. Maybe that's his LL, not sure. Oh, the word I wanted just came to mind -- needs constant REASSURANCE. About himself, not just the R or whatever. I think he has more self-esteem issues than I ever knew. A lot of the things he said & did during the D sitch really seemed more like what a woman would say & do than a guy.

I think that may have led to his A's. He wasn't getting the constant doting that he needed and so he 'needed' to get it elsewhere. I was always a very strong personality and I guess I didn't realize when we were dating maybe I was the stronger personality. Then when we got married, maybe I felt more 'womanly' or something and wanted to feel like HE was the one taking care of me. Maybe this is what started the problems. I have a feeling I'm going to have to suck it up and carry a lot of the weight and just hope that sooner or later, I feel like maybe he's starting to 'take care of me' a little bit. I don't know if that will happen or not.

I know I still love him, but probably never will in the same way. I've come to terms w/ the things I did that led to our R problems, and wish that I knew back then what I know now, but obviously I can't change the past. I can only go from here and be the W I know I should be and need to be, however, I won't ever look at him the same, I don't think I will ever love him the same or feel the same about him. I'm hopeful that my trust issues will go away w/ time. That I will finally know that if he does cheat again, there was nothing I could do to stop that. It is his problem and maybe he can't even help himself. I'm not saying he will cheat again, but I will know if it happens again that I did everything I could to make our M a good one. I have done nothing but love & support him no matter what he has done in the past. But like I said, he's not the same person to me anymore. He's not the man I married. I have a sense of acceptance about that. I have decided to stay and make things work for our family and make things good between us and maybe it will be better than before, but it will always be different.