Matilda- too chicken to look. H's emails are filtered into their own folder so I know he sent one. I may give therapy together a chance, but he can't talk to me in person and he doesn't follow through. We were going separatly, him then me, then him, then me... and she was an intermediary. He didn't make his next appointment.
HS- you're right. I am there. What could he do? He could DO anything. Ring my doorbell, show up today at the gym and give me a hug, give me flowers, take me to a movie, take me on a date, he could talk to ME instead of telling my sister stuff.... he just has to DO something. I'm tired of emails and TM and him thinking and not doing.
I’m sorry it had to be that way and I can understand you giving up hope and that I haven’t given you much to hope for.
As I said before, I am closer to being able to come to terms with a few things. I know you are who you are and I am who I am. I know we can have some good weekends together but the thought of getting to the point we were before scares the crap out of me. It wasn’t good for either of us. If we are ever together again I want to be forever.
I keep asking myself every day if this is the day that I feel strong enough to be back with you. Until I can say yes to myself, I can’t say yes to you. You know I still have feelings for you or I wouldn’t be putting myself through this every day. If I didn’t I would have already filed.
Other than that I don’t know what to say. If you feel you need to move forward I can’t stop you nor would I fault you for it.
yup- and I am watching Charmed reruns (D was still sleeping at her cousins and so is missing an extra workout today- gotta love H's thinking)
While watching the show, I just had an epiphany.
He's off thinking- by himself about how to fix us and be with me. But that's what he always does- he does it himself, he exludes me. He says he's closer but in reality he's in the same exact spot----- and I'm not. He handles everything by himself without talking to me- work trouble, financial trouble, family trouble..... always him alone to work things through and figure it out. Pushing me out.
No it wasn't good for us. But I know I've changed. What has kept me hanging on for so long is the hope that you will too. But as I read your last email it hit me-- I'm waiting for something that probably won't happen. You can say you've changed and that you are closer to coming to terms with things, but you've left me out of everything. You're still in the same place you were 6-7 years ago when things started to go south.
You kept the money problems to yourself to deal with.
You kept the house stuff to yourself.
You kept the bankruptcies to yourself.
You kept the IRS stuff to yourself.
You go to movies yourself.
You go to lunch yourself.
You keep work problems to yourself.
You leave me out. Then wonder why I feel alone and confused and hurt.
You're still figuring things out on your own. And I'm still left out. Nothing has changed.
There isn't a 'we' or an 'us'. There hasn't been in a long time. It's always about you trying to work things out alone. I've realized that I've been waiting to be included in your life. For you to talk to me, to share with me, to work things through with me.
I can't make you include me, but I can stop trying to include myself and I can stop asking you to be a part of mine. I can stop feeling hurt by your pulling away. I can realize that I have changed and I'm no longer willing to fight to stay included in your life. I can stop screaming at the top of my lungs for you to include me and I can just walk away. I can realize that this is who you are, and I will never be included.
Getting back together scared the crap out of me too. But I was willing to take a chance.
I signed my lease for a year and was told I could buy the house if I wanted.
