he had an affair w/ my best friend & got busted

[jtodd]

I've had suspisions for months now that my husband was having an emotional affair with my best friend. They work together and went to lunch together everyday. He and I were 'best couple friends' with her and her husband and spent lots of time together as couples. When I realized my H talked about her constantly, would go to her house when I had other plans, and told me she was his soul mate?! I questioned their relationship. He denied it, but after I pushed more, he finally admitted he didn't think he had feelings for me anymore. I was devasted and picked up Michelle's The Divorce Remedy. I stopped the pushing and questioning for weeks and felt that things were civil b/n us, but felt like the problems weren't being addressed.

This weekend, the OW's husband called my H and told him about text messages he had found on her phone. They had been busted! After finding out all the details (they had been planning a future together, talking late at night, sneaking off to the park when i thought he was at the gym, planning to have sex, etc)I am going through the process of grieving(how could this happen to me? i just lost my best friend as well.), disbelief, betrayal (from both of them!) and embarassment (she knows all our intimate details). After reading Michelle's book again, i know i have to stop asking Q's, start being positive, & stop pursuing. HOWEVER, he's not ready to work on our marriage-he's sad they got busted and is mourning the loss of her!!! How can we both work on this if he's not even sure he wants to??

[Sara]

WOW! Sorry this has to happen, but you are certainly not alone. One way or another, it happened to all of us here. You're off to a good start with the book and finding the website for support.

Another good book that helped me and my H was After the Affair, don't remember who its by. I would read some and then let him read some and then try to talk about it.

The tough part for you is the proximity of all the people involved. Well, you certainly now know who your friends are, and aren't. Good thing they are busted.

At that point, when I busted my H he went big time into blaming me for the affair. It took several weeks and the After the Affair book to get it thru his head that no one was responsible for his affair but himself.

That was our first step to recovery. He needed to accept responsibility for his actions.

Good luck, and take it slow. Nothing has to happen quickly, except that the affair has to end.

[theoden]

jtodd,

I'm sorry to hear this.

My wife had an affair with my best friend. The two people I trusted most in the world betrayed me. The pain is immeasurable. Who do you go to?

For the next 3 weeks.

1. Re-read divorce remedy. ;-)
2. Don't pursue.
3. Work on yourself, get a life. Have fun. I know this sounds impossible, but what would you rather do: slip into depression and panic?
4. Excercise regularly.
5. Allow him to greive the loss. It's a real process. It sucks, but be sympathetic. He may not be ready to work on the marriage. He's still on a bio-chemical endorphin high of a new, "forbidden" relationship.
6. Listen to him, don't judge, validate his feelings.
7. You can't both work the relationship until he is ready to.
8. When he wants to: you might want to go through one of two books: After the affair, Janis Springer or Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The first one might be easier to go through.

Let's talk about the situation in general.

1. They were busted. This means they don't think this was wrong. It didn't run it's course. Their break up added to the forbidden and romantic myth of their relatiobnship. Like Romeo and Juliet, exterior pressure against them may make the passion even stronger.
2. They were planning to leave their spouses. They may still be planning this. It may not be over.
3. Chasing him and forcing him to work on the marriage will not make him "get over" her.
4. Your husband is in a fog he's not rational right now
5. All you can do is attract him back. Don't push him out, don't try to pull him back in. Attract him. Yes I know that sucks. It seems unfair. Shouldn't he be crawling on his knees begging your forgiveness? That would be nice. My wife hasn't yet. Her only regret about the affair, she tells me, is that he didn't leave his wife and shack up with her. Yeah...that really hurts. My wife is still in love with him. She broke it off because he wouldn't leave his wife.
6. Be prepared that this EA is not really over. It's not that simple. They may be going dormant for while. I'm sorry to say this, but it may be the case. I think this may be the case with my wife and ex-best friend.
7. He's very negative about your marriage right now. So don't take to heart anything he says. And yes he doesn't have too many FEELINGS for you right now: he's flooded with FEELINGS for her. A heart (rather, brain chemistry) has a limited capacity for affection -- we, generally, can only be "in love" with one person at a time. Where are FEELINGS listed in your marriage vows. "I promise to stay with you only if I keep having sweaty palms". Give me a break. He can have FEELINGS for you again.
8. When he's serious about working on your marriage. He'll have to break off all contact with her permanently. If they work together that's pretty tricky. He might request a transfer. Ot he'll have to only talk about business -- but's that too tough of a temptation. Your friendship with her is also over.

I know your pain. It really sucks.

Funny thing. If we got together for lunch every day and shared about our grief over our spouses we would be sending certain messages to each other: I'm vulnerable, I'm available. And you know what? Boom -- the endoerphins would hit. Pretty soon we would both think we were "soul mates". We might even think we were lovers in a past life, or some such nonsense. It's that easy. No mystery.

Persevere.

--Theoden.

[jtodd]

Thanks for the advice and straight forward thoughts (no candy coating). I guess it's comforting knowing i'm not the only one in the world to have this happen. I will take what you said to heart. Hang in there yourself.

[cat03]

Theoden said it 100% right (you know your stuff T!)

Jtodd, dont' hold your breath hon, my H took at least, that I can pinpoint, 2mths to get over the blow of ow's break-up. It' another rejection on him, and it is a great blow on him.

When the feelings of love are absent in a marriage or are in question, what hold the M together is commitment, if in the future he wants that, you guys can do it.
My H went from telling me he had no feeligns from me, to telling me he was building feelings upon what we had and have, to telling me he loved me again (it took a year, yes, a year for him to tell me ILY again)

IT is a long hard road, but that's how it is.

I highly recommend you read " For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men", it opened my eyes.

I know the affair becomes a giant monster and everything becomes about the A, but have you thought what led to that? it takes two to tangle. How were you guys doing before the A? I never saw what I was doing to my H until my H left, so I learned a ton from my trial by fire. Sometimes it takes a hard blow to take a good hard look at ourselves.

[Heartbroken]

I totally agree with Theo and Cat

They probably are not done - I'd almost bet on it speaking from brutal honesty. My H and a VERY good friend of 5+ years fell into an EA than PA - actually the EA is way harder to get over. He has gone back to her three times now and I am starting to let him go for good. August will be a year and if he wants out so bad he can go

H says it's not about OW they are only talking at this point - yeah whatever. I am finally FINALLY putting my feelings first and once again he says he's not sure what he wants - last week he was so sure he wanted to D and that he would not change his mind. H is in a hole and he cannot find his way out - he is not the man I married and at this point I am not sure I want him that much anymore. I am starting to fantasize about buying my own home and starting over w/someone who WANTS TO LOVE ME!

You cannot control your H - do not even try. Be the person you were that attracted him in the first place. No one wants to stay with a sad, moping guilt causing wife - I pushed mine out the door by trying to hard... Listen to the people on these boards - do not reinvent the wheel we have all learned this stuff the hard way and are truly trying to prevent you SOME of the heartache. I guarantee your H will be talking to her again if he's not already!

Hang in there!

[theoden]

HB is spot on...

No one wants to go back to a sad, mopey, guilt-inducing person.

In my case, I'm mad, touchy and guilt-induing. I used to be sad, fearful and mopey.

I'm hoping to turn my anger in strength and detachment. And eventually fun. I'm surprised how outraged I am right now.

The best thing I can recommend is to have fun. Really enjoy yourself. It sounds impossible right now.

Another important thing is getting rid of the fear of losing him. Once you realize you don't need him, then things will start to change. Our fear and neediness gives them a power-rush.

What are you afraid of, really? Losing someone who lies and cheats on you? If losing him means the end of your life, then perhaps losing him the best thing that happened to you. This affair is a gift of sorts: a chance to figure out who you are and find the path of your heart independent of another person.

As you find the new you, you may attract him back. You will attract him back and transform him in the process. Or..if you do not, and it turns out who he really is amounts to being a narcissitic, lying adulterer, then perhaps you are better off without him.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking in strident moral tones. I'm not too good at the "I'm OK, you're OK" BS people spout these days.

--Theoden

--Theoden.

[Dr LOve]

Theo

I hope you don’t mind but I am cross posting in all of your threads because I value all of your inputs and I want to make sure all of you see this. Please respond back in my thread thanks.

I found a “wife profile” test in the book I have been reading “the five languages of love” It about how different people need different things to feel they are loved. There is 1) touch, 2) words of affection 3) act of service 4) gifts and 5) quality time.

Buy answering these 20 questions it is supposed to reveal what your “love language is.
I have not asked my W for ANYTHING for the last 2 months. I was going to print this out and tell my W I am working on my problems and ask her if she would help me and would answer these questions for me. There is no writing involved you just circle a letter.

I’m going to ask her to answer these questions thinking what she would like her perfect husband to do.


What do you think?
Again I am sorry for cross threading this but it is important to me that I have all of your inputs.
(I a still going out Friday)

Husband

[theoden]

what's your thread?

[Dr LOve]

Sorry theo

I don't know how to link it.

wecome to my nightmare 2

thanks
husband