Well....Here I am 16 months after all this mess started. W moved out 6 months ago after we were "in house" separated for about 6 months. For the last 16 months she's basically had nothing to do with me. For the last three months each month she has had to dip into our joint checking account just to make ends meet. Her lease is now coming up to an end. Her rent is going up. About 3 weeks ago she started kinda warming up to me and dropping hints about coming home. About this same time I had pretty much decided to move on with my life. Even taken my ring off and started meeting other people. To make a long story short, now she says she wants to try and make things work, but I have some doubt as to her sincereity. She says its not about the money butI just don't know if I believe her, not after all the lieing she has done. I just don't know anymore......
My H just started talking about moving back too. I don't doubt his sincerity, but am worried about teh best way/time to do this. NikkiB suggested that I set some boundaries. Figure out what I really need in order to feel good about him moving back. For example, I need some questions answered about OW; and a commitment to keep me informed about what's going on with her. I also need some agreement as to how we are going to work on R. Are we going to continue MC? Change some specific things? Agree to regular talks? Something else?
I'm not at a point where I want to make ultimatums about any of these, but I told him I want to talk about them before we make a decision about when he moves back. We haven't had that disucssion yet, but probably will in the next few days.
I know out sitchs are different, but hope the concept of setting boundaries is useful for you too.
Me 41 H 42 M 11 years no children Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you." Separated: 12/2006 H moved back: 6/2007
Thanks. I have been thinking about this a little too. What do I really need to know about the past 16 months?? Will it make a difference? Do I really want to know or just pretend it never happened? All kinds of things running through my mind right now. I guess at some point I'll have to "call" her on her secret cell phone, e-mail account, and myspace page (which I noticed she hasn't been on since the 13th). I'm hoping that these will disappear on their own so I'm trying to give her a little time.
I know a little how you feel as when my H said he'd changed his mind and would like to move back in to see how things went it was in the same conversation as him saying he would like a new and quite expensive car. So as you can imagine I thought he was only coming back so that he could get the car as he wouldn't have been able to get it at the same time as paying maintenance for our S and paying legal fees to D. However, we had only been separated 4 months - nowhere near as long as you. You say you had just decided to move on....really or just felt there was no longer any point in DBg?? What I'm trying to say is if you still love your W and still want her to come back to work things out and have a better M together then maybe you have no choice but to tentatively trust her that she wants you and not just because money is tight. I think you would soon know if it was just about money because she wouldn't be prepared to put in the hard work it takes to be piecing it back together and I don't think anyone could pretend they wanted to be with someone for money for too long without it being obvious.
Hope this helps and good luck, IP
Oh edited to say that by the way we have been back together for 6 months now so it wasn't about the car!
I feel that you do have to go slow with this one, especially as the sep as been for so long. May suggest she go on a month to month lease if she can and start to date and such, before taking that full leap. I can completely understand the need to be sure her feelings are true, but ulimately you are the only one that can be sure of that.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
What do I really need to know about the past 16 months? I wanted to know everything (I did leart a LOT on my own, and even though my curiosity was satisfied I'm still dealing with details that hurt me still. My H in the other hand told me if the sitches were reversed he wouldnt' want to knwo ANYthing, lest he'be turn unforgiving and angry. What does your gut instict tell you?
Do you guys go out on dates? perhaps you two need to learn to know each other again.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Ok guys…here is what I am thinking. I’m really battling with this right now particularly since I keep finding out things that add to my suspicions. I am contemplating putting forward a few “demands” for lack of a better word. If she agrees and attempts to follow through, then I have an idea she is sincere. If she flat out refuses, then I think I know that she wants to come back for other reasons. 1.) Get rid of the “work” cell phone. This is her secret cell phone which she tells me was issued by her job but I know differently. 2.) Disclosure of the past 16 months activities. Not necessarily details but I do want to know if there is any “unfinished” business out there and I don’t want to be blindsided by something down the road. 3.) Percentage contribution to family finances. Over the last couple of years I have paid all the bills while allowing her to spend her check however she pleased. In order for us to clear up the little debt we have I will ask her to contribute a percentage of her income to help pay bills. 4.) No more lying. This needs no definition. 5.) Department transfer or find another job. Unfortunately she has befriended a girl in her department who cheats regularly on her husband and the person she first cheated on me with works in the same building. As they say…”misery loves company”. It’s my opinion that as long as she has regular contact with these people, repairing a relationship is going to be extremely difficult.
I welcome any other ideas some of you may have. These are just some things I have thought about and are ion no way “set in stone”. I’d appreciate any feedback.
