Nothing rests on the answer - I'm just curious, s'all.
I think I read something in ntl's thread about how, when she's discussing sex with her friends, she just kinda keeps quiet about her lack of intimacy with her LD H and doesn't really get involved in the conversation (I think I'm remembering this right... ).
Anyway, my question is: when you girls get together and talk about sex with your H's, what do LD W's say? Do they pretend that everything's OK, or are they straight up and simply say that they haven't had sex with their H for 2 years (as in my case)? And if they are honest about it, how do they explain it away, bearing in mind it's them who doesn't want the sex?
Just thinking out aloud.
Oh, and BTW, my W is reading the SSM book as we speak. Which, of course, came as a bit of a shock to me.
When I was LD and out with the girls... I have to say that one in 10 are probably HD. And yes, when we started griping, those girls would just keep their mouths shut.
Most women who are LD and talk about sex only confirm for each other how 'rough' they've got it. And they usually man bash... so they are not accepting blame AT ALL for the condition of their sex lives... they are justifying it... to themselves and each other.
Right now, I don't have a group of girlfriends that I ever sit around talking about sex w/.
Also, when we were back in Tucson, I had a big "mom's group" and we would hang out a lot and have mom nights out, etc. If I recall correctly, we never did sit around and talk about sex w/ our H. The few times I do recall it coming up, I'm of the impression that, honestly, what we are talking about all the time here may not necessarily be a HD/LD thing -- it's a H / W thing. I think it happens a lot more often than people realize that the W ends up not wanting sex as much as the H.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
When I was LD and out with the girls... I have to say that one in 10 are probably HD. And yes, when we started griping, those girls would just keep their mouths shut.
Most women who are LD and talk about sex only confirm for each other how 'rough' they've got it. And they usually man bash... so they are not accepting blame AT ALL for the condition of their sex lives... they are justifying it... to themselves and each other.
I'm ashamed I ever participated... but I did.
Corri
goes right along w/ the prevailing attitude on the message board that I used to frequent...mostly women. (like..99%). Infertility was the common bond, which only seems to amplify it. Of course, these women are extremely put out if their H's aren't responsive on "cycle-day 14", when its time for their "sperm injection." (my own term, coined to describe the completely non-affectionate, totally mechanical act of copulation, for the sole purpose of depositing sperm into the female reproductive tract at the optimal point in a woman's cycle). "the NERVE of those H's to complain about it!!!!"
you'd be amazed at the number of threads dedicated to "how to make a baby w/ the least possible amount of sex". There are all kinds of scientific tools and tests and methods to accomplish this. That wasn't the original intent of them, but that's what they quickly turn into.
anyway, the "support" that they offer each other, imo, is very destructive. (I think MWD says this in one of her books...about friends/family giving "supportive" but bad advice)...but they don't (or won't) see it...until they do. Which, too often, is when H is driving away from the house for the last time w/ all his possesions in tow, or off to some pretty young thing that treats him as something more than a sperm donor.
you'd be amazed at the number of threads dedicated to "how to make a baby w/ the least possible amount of sex".
There are sites for just about everything you can think of, including how to cheat on your spouse and if you should get caught, how to convince them you are back on track and how to cover up better than ever before so you can do it again and again and again - pretty sick
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I don't think I've ever had discussions about my SL with my close friends -- definitely not the types of things discussed on this board. Passing comments might be made here and there, but no discussions about HD/LD, frequency, etc.
I did make a couple of HD cyber girlfriends who became IRL friends, but I mostly just listened to them talk about sex and picked up a few ideas. They were part of the reason I started questioning my LD state. One of them is VERY HD and I admired her for being so comfortable with her sexuality and so open about it. Getting to know her helped me see that I was missing out. They already knew I was LD before they met me, because they were on another of cac's boards.
Same thing with the playgroup moms. We never got into discussions about sex, although there were a couple of women who were open about their lack of interest in sex during their pregnancies. One woman's H had an affair during her pg a couple of years ago. She actually commented that in a way she was kind of glad that her husband had the A then because it meant that she was off the hook for sex. She said it so casually. I remember just looking at her in shock. I said nothing. I think the others were a little surprised too. She made this comment after she and her H had reconciled and gone to some MC sessions.
ETA: Surprisingly, my two cyberfriends were posters on the board that cac mentions above. HD women were rare on that board.
I rarely discussed my lack of SL with my girlfriends more my discontentment with my H at times. Difference was my H would have considered ME LD but I considered hom LD. I think at various times in our M he has been way more LD than me actually thats not strictly true. I think when I did something that p**** him off he withdrew sex and affection as some kind of punishment.
When I returned to Scotland I met up with some of my old schoolfriends via Friends reunited. Now these were the friends I shared my first kiss first holding hands etc with a boy with so they knew me and we could talk about anything.
We are all 55 and one of our main topics of conversation is sex. 2 of my friends were HD in the past but were now having to force themselves to ML as they had no desire. One had some really bad experiences with her 1st H (she only had sex 5 or 6 times her whole 10 year M) he liked her to whip him and wore lingerie LOL. At the time we met up I had had surgery that made sex painful and I was terrified of ML and since my H had ED problems prior to my op figured could live without. One of my friends set me thinking that while I could live without It wasn't fair to my H. I explained that my H never made any moves on me and hadn't been that interested prior to the ED or my op and she was surprised. Lack of desire in women in their 50's does seem more the norm than HD at the same age.
Have to say my 40's was a whole different time I was way more HD than my H. Kids were older no sleepless nights anymore bit more money so for me much higher SD. My H OTOH was prudish about our teenage sons hearing so he was always teling me to be quiet (major turn off) or too tired.
Have to say one of my friends NEVER enjoyed sex with her H. She stayed M to him for over 30 yrs but never once had an orgasm with him and eventually left him. Her H still a close friend never knew how she feltand they ML often.
I was also very surprised when another friend who appeared very happily married told me her H was like mine and they hadn't ML for over a year. This was 15 years ago when only in our 40's. Her H did a similar job to mine and I thought maybe it was the tiredness that caused the LD. Turned out they were both having affairs so that explained the lack of interest LOL
I have another friend whose H was incredibly HD she had twins and he wanted to ML 3 or 4 times a day every day. Now she really was exhausted looking after the babies and still ML but sometimes would have preferred to sleep. Her H cheated on her and still ML to her 3 times a day so he was VERY HD. They eventually divorced and she has a great SL with her new partner. She also says that although she has sex less often her new BF is a way better lover than her H. Quality rather than quantity LOL.
I've seen things from all POV and really don't think there is any such thing as the norm. In so saying I don't think zero sex should ever be the norm in a good marriage. OTOH there could be tons of sex and that stil wouldn't be a good marriage.
Turned out they were both having affairs so that explained the lack of interest LOL
Heh.
If only it were that simple - I'd certainly have a tangible reason for ending the R. I know this is wrong, wrong, wrong, but somedays I wish there was evidence of another EA so I could more easily justify things.
But no. I've not really snooped per se, but there are no emails, no suspect web use, no late-night texts or phone calls, no unexplainable evenings out, no nothing. The other day, she even offered to let ME use HER cellphone for a few days while I waited for a new one to arrive to replace the one I've just broken.
Now that's something that wouldn't happen during an EA, PA, whatever, eh?
*Sigh*.
(I can't believe I'm virtually saying that my wife NOT having an EA is a negative thing! Hahaha. Ack, you've got to laugh...)
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
).
Which, too often, is when H is driving away from the house for the last time w/ all his possesions in tow, or off to some pretty young thing that treats him as something more than a sperm donor.
She said it so casually. I remember just looking at her in shock. I said nothing. I think the others were a little surprised too. She made this comment after she and her H had reconciled and gone to some MC sessions.