Healing from Infidelity

[Sara]

Thanks KS Chick for starting this thread for me.

I would like to get thoughts from others on how to heal from a spouse's infidelity.

I think I'm doing well, the H and I are getting along really well now. He had an affair, first via internet, and then in person, which I discovered when he took a "vacation alone" LOL in November. Cell phone bills showed the calls to OW for months, except the few days they were together on his "vacation". So I confronted him, and he said he would stop. Things were very tentative at first. I felt that if I said or did anything wrong he would pack his bags and leave. He even told me later that after a good trip together in December, he was planning to leave again in January. He kept saying we had problems that couldn't be solved. (What these are is still sketchy).

We did a Retrouvaille weekend in Jan. and follow-up sessions in Feb and March. That helped a lot. We continued with the dialoguing for a short while, but he always seemed to want to get out of doing the work. Still, if anything comes up that I want a serious discussion on, the books come out. No excuses.

So now we're good. The kids are all gone for the summer, so it's like we are newlyweds again. But the thought keeps after me. "He wanted her then, he'll always want her." I just keep focusing on the now. Gave him a nice Father's Day. He has been really upbeat since then. That was one of his big complaints -- that I didn't do anything special for Father's Day or his birthday last year. So this year (and all future years) have to be good.

But what gnaws at me is how well he hid the deception. All through last year he was nice to me. Often loving. It wasn't until he was really planning to leave me that he even gave off bad vibes around the house. So how do you know when they are distancing themselves?

I don't know, but I feel I have to go back to just trusting. Although maybe a little less trusting.

[Delil@h]

I felt that if I said or did anything wrong he would pack his bags and leave. He even told me later that after a good trip together in December, he was planning to leave again in January. He kept saying we had problems that couldn't be solved. (What these are is still sketchy).

MY H said these exact same things and I felt the exact same way YOU DO. We have been reconciled since last August and just recently I felt like hey this is going to be ok. THE whole OW thing is a BIG thing to get over and the thinking he still wnats/needs her etc tec is hard to get over but little by little if you work on you, and letting her go it will get better.
KEEP POSTING and you will get some great advice here. Believe it or not I am in the Newcomers section as an INSPRIRATIONAL STORY AND I still struggle with knowing what is best for me. But the support I get here and venting and posting makes all the difference in the World. It takes a lot of hard work but you will get so much support and Fabulous advice here that anything is possible and one day it will just seem like a bad Memory and you will be fine. MY H still has a Tattoo w/ OW name above his heart and it used to cause me so much heatache especially when we would ML,, and now it seems like nothing. So you can and will succeed in getting her out of your system,, you will never forget~ but one day you will get to the point that when it pops in your mind it wont hurt you anymore. I promise. seems impossible right now but it is not.
All my best to you, take care and GOD BLESS...

[cat03]

welcome to the world of piecing, another hard road in which you are waiting for the "other" shoe to drop and think your H will never forget her.
Remember, the fact he had an A was in an attempt to quell the hurt he hurt by thinking the M was falling appart, he was trying to put a band aid. He didnt' choose her because she was superior in any ways to you or she was this and that, but because she was just available and he needed a crutch.
So stop the negative thinking. I know it is hard to get over that, and it took me a few months to stop feeling the punch in the gut feelign everytime I thought about my H's A, but it happened. I still think of his deception and all the hard work he put into moving away secretly and the stuff he did in the past.

But, focusing on the bad past and the bad "what ifs" leave you with no space for the good stuff. Fight hard to replace the bad thoughts with the new good memories you two are forming.

Trust has been shuttered and only his commitment and time will build it back up, very slowly. It has been a year since my H came back, and only now I can say I trust him, not 100% but I trust him. It took hard work to stop snooping and checking his stuff (inmature stuff) but I did it.

I highlly recommend you read "Healing the hurt in your Marriage" It will show you how to piece, how to deal with forgiveness and past hurts.

Hang in there!

[saffie]

Hi again Sara

Thought i'd reply to you on this thread as you have put how I feel so well.

I don't think my H would go back to OW he was involved with but I am so worried that if he did, or got involed with another OW because he was unhappy, I wouldn't be able to tell. Because I find it hard to understand why a person in a relationship would allow themselves to get involved in ANOTHER relationship before finishing the first one, I feel that I am not able to detect the signs if something happens.

The worry of not being able to read the signs leaves me very unsettled and questioning everything H does. Also H never seems to think about what he does or look at it from my perspective; he just carries on as though nothing evr happened.

It seems to me that our H/W's can have affairs and if you want to stay with them and they with you, then they just carry on and we are left picking up the pieces. I know I am taking a simplistic approach, but I do feel that my H dropping his bomb was the beginning of the end of an awkward phase for him whilst it was the start of a very very bad time for me. H sleeps well at night and I hardly sleep at all. I feel vulnerable and am greiving badly for the marriage I thought we had - not perfect obviously, but much better than it obviously was for him!!I can't come to terms with the fact that he let someone else into our marriage. I had always thought my husband was an honourable man and now that thought has been shattered. I worry about the message his A has given to our children.

I desperately want to forget about his A. I want to stop thinking abot it. There is so much more to our lives together but I am living in real danger of throwing everything away because I cannot stop fixating on his A and the other W. I think about her and what happened all the time and he never does - how screwed up is that??? I'm even crying typing about it. I understand why he says it happened and we have both changed things to improve our relationship and try to ensur nothing like this happens again. I recognise what happened as a wake up call, so why cant I stop wanting to hurt the OW like she has hurt me? Why do I take what she tried to do to my marriage so personally? My husband tells me that they never discussed their OS's when they were together and he nevr thought about her H and she never thought about me. Surely they must realise they damage they are causing.

Another thing that I find really hurtful is that my H is not the sort of man to be intimate without having strong feelings for someone and so I know he must of really cared for her, (or thought he did). Thankfullythat side of their relationship was a disaster but does that mean he stayed with me only because that side of our relationship is good?

When he told me about the A my immediate reaction was one of wanting to keep together and that was what I fought for. I know in my heart it is the right decision and I know we love one another but what if he forgets that again in the future? The lack of trust and confidence is soooooooooo hard. I really dont know if I can keep living with it. How soon will the pain ease?

yours affectionately

saffie

[Sara]

Saffie,

As I said, the Retrouvaille marital retreat weekend really helped us. But I know exactly what you mean about never trusting him. I still go through his wallet, the papers on his dresser, his briefcase,his car, and his cellphone records periodically. We have been wounded, we will heal, but not without a scar. And I believe you are right, he dumped this on you. Now he feels better, and you feel bad. One night I got really angry about it with my husband and told him I wanted to have an affair and hurt him the way he hurt me. But I had decided to control myself, and I won't do it.

Retrouvaille teaches that forgiveness is a decision, and trust is a decision. We trust and forgive because we decide to do so, and we keep making that decision every day.

They say that marriage is like a building supported by four columns -- love, commitment, forgiveness, and trust. Of course our problem is the building is falling down because the pillar of trust has been shattered, and forgiveness is not holding strong either. That's why we must make the decision to forgive (him, not her), and decide to actively love and commit. This will hold the building up. But you also need to know that your husband is making the same decisions to forgive, to trust, to commit, and to love. If you can do this just in talking together, that is good. If you need to see a marriage counselor to do this, then that's what you need. Some people have recommitment ceremonies. One of the couples from the weekend bought new wedding rings and are having another wedding.

We are older and wiser now, we go into this with much more knowledge than we did the first time. You need a lot of reassurance from your husband. He should not just be sleeping peacefully. He should be helping you work through this.