Getting started

[waw1978]

I spent the night at home last night to see D4. Of course DH wants to rehash this whole thing over and over. Seems like we are having the same convo repeatedly. Last night there is an ultimatum of sorts thrown in. He will not accept me coming and going at the house. He said its not fair to him. I agreed that its not the best either but neither of us wants to uproot D4 from her house why we sort this out. Basically he wants total separation or total immersion. He spoke with an IC for an hour yesterday and they told him I was in the midst of an early MLC due to my age and the "symptoms". We are still supposed to see the MC on Sat AM but DH has demanded that I make a decision before then about whether or not I can get over my anger and resentment. This is the whole reason I need space to begin with. He asked if I wanted to be a his wife and I told him that I didn't know. I need time to stop being angry with him. He was pushing for an answer and I told him if I was forced to decide that without having the time and space I needed then the answer was no, I didn't want to be his wife. Then he backtracked and said he didn't mean I needed to answer that right then but by Saturday when we meet with the MC.

Suggestions here? I am sure others have met with this sort of ultimatum. How did you compromise so things could get sorted out?

[galing]

Hi WAW,

You need to be really clear about your needs right now, in my opinion. To your H, it seems very logical that you may be having an affair. It is very difficult to understand why your spouse would leave, especially if there is no one else. And, many counselors will actually push you to believe that because it is such a common reason for this type of behavior. I am not accusing you, I am simply telling you, although it seems a horrible accusation and place for your husband's brain to go, so many of us have been there, and it is where your brain and heart go out of fear and out of trying to answer "why is this happening?" because it makes no logical sense to us.

So, my suggestion is, to not get defensive when he makes those types of accusations but to be very open and honest with him regarding what your needs are. Maybe you could say something like: "There is no one else. I can understand your need to find a reason for this but I am continuing to stay faithful to you and our marriage. I really need space right now. I think our marriage has a chance, but right now the best thing you can do is give me some time and space. When you contact me, accuse me, etc. it just increases the negative feelings I'm having. When I have some time and space, I can start to deal with those negative feelings and think about the good things about our marriage. I know you want answers right now. I can't give them to you and I don't think we need to make any decisions right now. I want to heal and for us to heal. Here is what I need to do that....."

This might sound crazy... but maybe you should ask him to read Divorce Remedy. The book outlines what you need from him right now.

[waw1978]

I am very clear about my needs. I need time and space to get over my resentment & anger in order to heal and move on. I didn't want full blown separation but that seems to be where he is headed with this. All or nothing type of approach. I spoke with my Dad about moving into a duplex of his that is vacant. Hopefully by July 1st I will be completely moved out. Maybe DH will see that I am serious about this and not bluffing. I need my space but stil want to go to MC and work the R and get to a point where I want to see him, date him, and love him wholeheartedly again. It took a lot for me to finally just say this is it and make take this step. I have always been too afraid of hurting him, my daughter and making the wrong choice. I have been so unhappy for so long, I refuse to continue this way.

All he is doing is driving me further away and pissing me off with the ultimatums and time limits. Its not my fault I told him for years that I was unhappy and wanted MC and NOW he finally does too. I am still agreeable but I need to see changes in him not just empty talk and threats. I keep telling him we didn't get here overnight and things are not going to magically be wonderful again with a few talks & threats. I have already checked out of this marriage emotionally. We need to start from scratch. All thats left for me is bitterness and frustration.

He is the suspicious/jealous type and has been accusing/insinuating of all sorts of unfounded things for years. He knows this is a major part of the reason I am unhappy with him. I could care less if he thinks I am having an affair. I have no sympathy for this unfounded BS anymore. For years I would reassure him and show him that was not the case. I even gave up friendships with men that I had known all my life because DH did not approve. I have bent over backwards and I am done proving that I am innocent of wrongdoing. I am not having an affair and have no plans to do any such thing. Once I move out and there is still no boyfriend in sight he will realize this.

We have discussed books but he does not read and isn't interested in exploring those options (yet). I am hoping the MC suggests this as well maybe DH will be more willing to participate.

[galing]

ok... so since you can't control him, or what he'll do or won't do, maybe we should focus on you.

i'm hearing a lot about what he did wrong in the marriage. and that is good to recognize and communicate and understand.

have you read the 5 love languages? what are your needs? what are your husbands? how do you feel they were both met or not met in the marriage? what do you feel were your shortcomings in the marriage?

i am not saying or asking that to pick on you. i am asking it to try and focus on something that you can control and change since you can't control your h or how he will react or change from all of this so for the time being, it is best to focus on you.

[waw1978]

I am really not trying to focus his downfalls or blame him. I know that this isn't just his fault, its both of ours. I am just very frustrated that the one thing I really need right now *seems* to be the one thing he isn't willing to give me, time and space. He hasn't expressed any needs yet. He still claims he was perfectly happy with the way our M has been.

I haven't read that book yet but will pick it up on my way home. I did read a synopsis on their website.

Thank you for the insight.

[galing]

"He hasn't expressed any needs yet. He still claims he was perfectly happy with the way our M has been."

I know it doesn't make it feel better, but I want you to know that this is pretty typical. When my husband wanted space and left, I went almost into a denial, as I think most spouses do. While your spouse is often making the marriage out to be worse than it was and rewriting history, you are often making the marriage out to be better than it was, and also rewriting history. So, I know that doesn't fix it, but I want you to know from what I've seen here, it is a normal behavior and process and it takes time for the other spouse to get over the shock, to really wake up and then start to look at what was wrong. They will often then see what the other person did wrong, but eventually will start really seeing what they did wrong, and then seeing as well how their needs weren't met in the marriage and what those needs are. It is a process..... one day at a time and don't make yourself make any decisions too quickly. Right now the emotions are raw on both ends and it is best if you can find a way to limit the conversations and interactions if they are going to lead to you saying anything you know might impact you both longer term or causes you to feel even further pushed away. Things that were fixable, can quickly get dug into a hole that seems hard to get out of, so really give yourself some space right now to make clear decisions and to pick your words and emotions carefully when interacting with your H.

[waw1978]

Everything your saying makes sense. I have to agree that the more we talk the angrier I get about the whole situation. I know you were on the other side of this so I appreciate hearing what my DH might be feeling.

[Exiled]

I haven't read that book yet but will pick it up on my way home. I did read a synopsis on their website.

Have you read DB or DR yet?

Since things seem to be "out in the open", perhaps both of you could read them? DB would certainly explain to him you need for space right now.

[waw1978]

I haven't read either one yet. I planned on picking up 5 Languages on my way how tonight. DH not interested in reading any books and I have to just leave that ball in his court. I made the suggestion, thats all I can do.

[sad2be]

Hi there- Sorry that you are here but glad, because you will find great advice and support here! I am so grateful to have found this site and the awesome people in it!

Please, please don't question your sanity! I started feeling that way and haven't since I've been here. Now that I've found out how to add quotes, here it goes. Thanks to my fellow DB's.

I was on the verge of being a WAW when I found this site. I have been repeatedly telling my DH that I was unhappy and he just didn’t want to hear it. Over two years of this. I asked for MC many times and he refused. So I emotionally divorced him since I could see no hope in the situation.

Your story could be mine. I detached from my DH about 2 years ago and it's been a very difficult time. I need time and space, but H has problems with that and its a constant battle. Does the word CLING-ON sound familiar. It's like my DH had to immediately over compensate with smothering! DH has backed off, but does have his days that I want to hit him and not stop !

Here's my advice as I was in your position 8 months ago when I asked for a D. Try counseling, because at this point, it can't hurt. I have found that DH has a clearer picture of what the he!l I was trying to tell him for 10+ years and that alone gives me satisfaction and validates my feelings! I picked the first MC and DH refused to go back, because H didn't like what the MC had to say. Second time around (just weeks later) we went with someone out of our town and she has worked out for both of us. She has said some of the same things as the 1st, but in a more professional and tender hearted way. The MC also points out DH faults which is nice for me- the angry, annoyed and frustrated W! Yes, she does point out mine as well, but I can live with that.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth, but seriously consider the counseling even if it's just for your benefit. Take care of you!