This is the first time I have 'posted' so I hope I am doing it correctly!!
I found out last year that H was having an affair with one of his staff. It had been going on for 18 months before he told me. We had been married for just under 20 years and were about to celebrate our 20th anniversary. I knew things in the marriage were not good and was going to counselling, (CBT), to try to alter our behaviour toward one another in the hope of bringing ourselves closer again. H had always been my best friend and the only man I wanted to be with but having had four children, and all that that entails, had caused a space between us. Things were obviously much worse than I thought they were. H had convinced himself I no longer loved him - which just wasn't true; we had just forgotten how to be close and loving.
The OW was also married and had 2 children. She pursued my husband and it is quite clear from correspondence that she was predatory and conniving. That doesnt excuse my H but he is quite inexperienced in relationships,( we both are having been with each other from young), and not good at reading the opposite sex. Once she had him hooked, or so she thought, she left her husband and children. From emails that she sent my H it was obvious that she thought he wld ask me to leave the marital home and she wld move in and just take my place; EVEN BEING MUM TO MY CHILDREN after abandoning her own.
As soon as my husband new I was still committed to him, (which came about via my counselling), he told me about the OW and within a few days we had recommitted to each other.
My problem now is that I cannot get this other woman out of my mind and I really want to as she makes me feel nasty and small minded. I find it hard to believe that she thought she could just move into my life and take over my family. I want to hear her explain how this could be and justify her actions. It is unfortunate that the last time my husband slept with her was on my youngest daughters birthday. When my daughter had her birthday this year I couldnt enjoy it and I feel that that date has been stolen from me. How could one married woman with children do this to another?
The OW resides in my head all the time and I keep having imaginary fights with her. I have just come antidepressants after having spent the last 12 months drugged up in order to cope and stop myself self harming. Now it's time to move on and get this OW out of my mind so that I can live in peace. What can I do?
Last edited by saffie; 06/18/0705:36 PM.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Dont think I have any pride left - foolish or otherwise. I dont feel its a 'win' or 'lose' situation - more one of damage control and limitation. Just want good mental health!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I know this is going to sound cliche. But the only person you are hurting with all your thoughts is you. If the OW is out of your husbands life, she is no longer hurting you. You are stuck in the past, and living the pain over and over again. Open your eyes and be grateful for what you have today, otherwise you are still letting the OW dictate your happiness, and your future.
Have you have your husband been completely open with eachother, do you feel he has shown remorse for his actions? Have you read the book After the Affair? It sounds like you two may have some unfinished business. You have not yet forgiven him for the pain he caused your family.
You really only have two options.
1. Let this consume you, and never forgive your husband. 2. Forgive, and move forward. The past has already happened, the future hasn't happened yet, and all you have it today.
How you handle today will direct what your tommorow looks like. I can guarantee that unless you can forgive, your marriage to your husband will fall apart again. So its your choice. Might as well make it today.
I think you are absolutely spot on and I want to forgive and move on - it's the how to I am not good at and where I need help. I have been back to see my psychiatrist and all he wants to do is medicate me! That doesnt make the problems go away; it just masks them.
What is the book ' After the Affair'?I have only recently come accross Michele and her ' The Divorce Remedy' book. It was the first time I found something that I have found truly helpful. I am just about to get to the anniversary of my H 'coming clean' and I am not coping well. All help and ideas, (legal), gratefully received.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, It's natural to want painful memories to go away. I don't think it's possible to do in a healthy way.
You're now facing them, because before you were working on getting your H back. Don't run from them. Roll in the mud with them. Let them become a part of you instead of a ghost that chases you.
Find a way to stay with them--write a journal, do something artistic, be alone with them, talk to a counselor. Try to understand what's going on with them. Why are they nagging you?
Maybe you could write a response to your question from her perspective. What would she say about her actions? Maybe this will give you some insight that you're looking for.
Increase your awareness of what's going on inside your head.
The intensity should subside in time. If not, we can help you approach it differently.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Are you going to counseling with your husband. I think its the venue for you to open up to him and let him know the pain you are still feeling. Your counselor should know how to constructively work you two through the memories.
Trying to find a couples counsellor where I live seems to be an impossible task. 'RELATE' here are very hit and miss and professionals I have spoken to , and friends that have had problems, have all warned us away. H and I talk about things very openly and he knows the pain I am going through and is very sorry for causing it. The problem is in my head - I need a way to let go of this anger and move on. I am unable to forgive OW. I just want her out of my head. It seems so stupid that my husband never thinks about her and I can do nothing but that!! I really don't like feeling like this about anyone and I just want to forget her.
I am interested in the book you referred to in your previous posting.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sometimes it helps to have a skilled person who has seen affairs in the past to help walk you through the questions/hurt that you don't even know you are feeling.
I understand if there are no qualified counselors in your area.
I think the keys to moving on, 1 - understanding why the affair happened.
I read online there are 7 types of affair: 1. My marriage made me do it: basically the unfaithful spouse believes the marriage is damaged and finds someone else that they think will be better for them. 2. I can't say no: the unfaithful spouse has a sexual addiction, or doesn't care enough to not sleep around. 3. I don't want to say no: Your spouse enjoys the chase and wants to feel that charge of meeting, and romancing new people. 4. I fell out of love (and i deserve to be in love): This is my wife, usually during a lull in the marriage (taking care of kids, etc) the spouse feels like the feeling is gone, and someone comes along and fills that void. This feeling doesn't last though. 5. I want to get back at him/her: Your spouse is mad about something and this is a revenge sex thing. 6. I need to prove my desirability: Your spouse has some esteem issues, and someone comes along to show that attraction, and they fall for it. 7. I want to be close to someone: Your spouse has intimacy issues, and its just easier to be in an affair relationship where he and the OW are happy not dealing with the realities of a relationship. Lets face it an affair is simply love letters, sex and good times.. UNTIL you have to move to the next level and get the affair out into the open.
That is a pretty bad summarization of what the online site said. But when it comes down to it, until you understand what caused the affair, I think it will be impossible to move forward productively without having major trust issues.
Say your husband feels your marriage is bad, what have you done together to work on it? Have you read any books on relationships?
Since counseling is out of the question, here are the three books I would recommend.
1. 5 love languages - Gary Chapman 2. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words - Dr. Patricia Love. 3. Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship - M Gary Neuman.
Another tidbit for the recently Betrayeds out there. This time I'll write more directly to the B.Wives...again it's equally applicable to BH's.
Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.
Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash."
