Well, we made it through the movies tonight. I was going to take her to dinner afterwards, but she ate nachos during the movie. So she decided she didn't want to go eat. When we got back to the house, she said thanks and she was going to bed. She has to be at work at 7:00 in the morning. I said no problem and good night and began clearing my spot on the couch.
I don't know if I expected something to happen tonight. Maybe I did. I am not upset it didn't though. She doesn't want to get my hopes up. I know right now she still intends to leave when she can. So, do what I can to keep me sane through the while process.
Made it through the B-day weekend. I feel as though I am detaching. I know she is going to see a lawyer tomorrow and it doest bother me anymore. She is still getting her room upstairs ready to move into and asked me to help her a little. I did with no problem. I'm kind of getting used to sleeping on the couch. I know it's weird for the kids to see me sleeping on the couch, but they sleep in the bed with her. So maybe they don't notice anything.
I had taken today and tomorrow off because we were supposed to be in New Orleans for her B-day. I think I will go back to work today and save those days for when I really need them. No sense in using them if i am just going to sit around the house all day and do nothing, when I can sit around the house and work.
The W went to a L today. Supposedly it is to see what her options are. When I found out, I got down on myself because I know she wants out. If she could leave right now she would. I haven't said anything about the R in a weeks time now. I think she believes it's because I have come to the decision that I can't do anything about it and I am just trying to keep the peace. In part that is true.
I can continue trying to be her friend. I continue to support her until she is able to stand on her own. But while I am doing that, I can't detach. As long as I am feeling that she needs me, I can't move on. And if she wants to leave, I need to detach and move on.
I want to ask her how her visit went today, but I know she will not tell me. She missed her session yesterday and i believe she was upset about that. So, if I ask her I may get the brunt of that and a weeks worth of holding stuff in. Basically, I don't what to do.
I was checking the family e-mail account. My W has created a Match.com profile. It says that she is looking for companionship while she is going through a divorce. I heard in the bedroom talking to a man. I am trying to be patient, but it is hard. I am trying to support her through this since we have to live in the same house as she can't afford to move and i am not leaving. Where does this leave me? i know she wants a divorce and she doesn't care how i feel right now, but how do I DB through her getting emotional support from another man. Someone that is making her laugh and feel good. Doing what I can't do. how do you combat that?
i have been tempted to do the same thing, but that is what got me here in the first place. What do I do? I am trying to keep smiling. Be happy around the kids and her. She has to live here for at least six more months just to pay off her bills and save the money to move out. Then she has to file for the divorce and that is going to cost. And she doesn't have a full time job right now. i just don't know what she is thinking. And she is not willing to share it.
Thanks SG. She wants to talk about the future. We were supposed to do it tonight, but she decided to stay at her parents house. No big deal, I didn't want to talk about it anyway. She went to her lawyer yesterday and now wants to talk about what we are going to do. What can she do? She doesn't have a full time job, so even though she wants to move, she can't. She can't file because she doesn't have enough for a retainer. So, I don't know what she has to say. but of course i will listen and validate.
For some reason, I have this feeling my W will be on this site in the future trying to get ideas on how to save us. I know I made mistakes, but she has lost the idea of what she has in me. I feel that when I have really detached myself from her, it's over. And I am not at that point yet, I could be getting there. She went out with her GF after work tonight. She showered, shaved, and put on new clothes. She did tell me today that she is going to see other people. I didn't get as upset as I thought I would. It hurt a little, but I didn't show it. If that's what she plans to do, then so be it. i have to work on my issues and seeing someone else will not help me with those.
Not much has changed in the last week. The W has still been looking for apartments even though she doesn't have a full time job and her credit is messed up. It is disappointing that she wants to be away form me that badly. She has set up new profiles on dating sites. I try not to pay attention to it, but it's right in my face. Then she asks me to do things for her. Of course I do them, as I am trying to keep the peace.
She is in a rough place right now. She does not want to be here any longer and does not have the means to leave. She is becoming resentful towards me. I guess I am to blame for her not being able to leave. I wish she would see that it would be better for her to want to be here and work it out.
I continue to work on myself. I am GAL. When I am getting ready to go somewhere, she is concerned about where I am going. The other day after I came home from working out and took a shower she asked why I was taking a shower. Where had I been? I didn't understand why she was asking, but I told her I was working out. She said okay, i thought you were doing something else. I no longer have anything to hide anymore. Open and honest is it from this point on. I know it is too late now, but I am starting for the next phase of my life with the being open.
So, that's where I am now. I am not in a good place, but I am alright. I am not depressed. Which is good for me. Could be the working out. I hope it continues. Maybe it helps that I have been down this road before.
what to do? I have been trying to act as if as of late. My W is asking me what is wrong. I tell her I am fine, but what I really want to do is sit her down and talk. I believe right now she is confused about what she wants to do. Sometimes she thinks it would be easier for her to stay. She wants to leave but it's not in the cards for her right now. I know she is depressed because she can't leave and she thinks the world is working against her.
What do I do next time she asks me what is wrong? Do I say nothing and keep it moving. Or do I sit her down and tell her that I can't stand having to look at you and know you don't want to be here any longer. I can't take it that to you are still wanting to be with a man who dropped you nine months ago. It's hard for me to have to co-exist in this same house with you because you don't have a job that affords you the ability to move like you want to. I don't understand why we can't work on this until you can move out. We had a good counselor before you decided to end it this time. I believe we were making progress. I know I have some issues but I am working on those. you have some that you are working on too. I supported you through everything. And now you are giving up on me? doesn't seem right. And now you are talking to another man who has been trying to get with you since the last man dropped you. Don't you think once he learns about your personal issues he is going to leave also. I am the one that is here. I am the one that wants to be here for you. No matter what you are going through. Things can get better.
Yeah, I know I can't say these things. That is not effective DBing. But it should would feel good if I can say those things and then have a breakthrough. But next time she asks, what do I say. Can I say you have been looking good and I really want to ML to you in the worse way?
I guess what I am asking is, next time she asks if i am okay, or is everything alright, what do I say.
From the perspective of this WAW (for whatever that's worth):
Tell her the truth. I don't see how that would be worse than pretending everything's all right when it's not. (That part of DBing I don't always agree with)
Of course, there's the risk that she won't respond in a loving manner but at least then she'll know how you really feel and you won't be torturing yourself with "what if I had told her how I really felt?"
And she can digest something sincere for a while instead of a happy face pasted on what she knows is an unhappy husband. Maybe she keeps asking because she senses the disconnect between your outer behavior and the feelings you project.
Personally, I would melt on the spot if my H expressed any of those kinds of things to me. (Provided that they were expressed in a self-respecting, non-whining or blaming manner, of course)
If my thinking was being clouded by an OM, it would take a lot longer to sink in. But believe me, it would register.
After I had confessed my EA (both episodes) to my H, he eventually told me that, although it hurt him terribly, he knew it was a symptom of a deeper problem in our M, that he knew I was a good person deep down and that that kind of behavior was not a true reflection of me as he knew me. That he could see the good in me despite my bad behavior. And that he never stopped wanting to be with me.
Talk about impact.
And that's how it sounds like you feel about your W.
