I asked my H to find temporary shelter two weeks ago b.c. his anger was out of control and scaring me. I wanted to bring it out into the open. I told him to get counseling, and that he couldn't come back until he did. He told me to find a therapist and he would go. But in therapy, he said we'd never had anything good in our relationship, that he almost didn't come, and that he was moving from his parent's into an apartment. I love him, and I don't know what to do now that he's decided to punish me. He can be controlling, and I want to set limits, I want him to respect me, and I can't pretend that this wouldn't have happened at some point, but what do I do now? Do I need to get separate thereapy or go to therapy with him, even if it's more of the same? I am alone, with no family nearby, my dreams in shambles, and now a husband that rather than apologize for his behavior, is trying to punish me. What do I do? It is breaking my heart.
Give the two of you some time - you need some time apart to mellow out. Continue counseling if he'll go, and if the C is helong restore your marriage. If they're not, find someone else. make SURE they're team oriented, that they're not playing you against each other, that they're solution oriented and don't just let you sit there and tell your "stories" ad nauseum.
Be cool with your husband, no pressuring, just let him figure his stuff out, and you do the same. If you love each other, you'll figure things out with time... Good luck!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
You are wise to seek counseling at least for yourself. It is a debate whether counseling can actually save marriages, but you may want to go alone so at least you can handle this huge transition. There may be reasons why he acts so angry, but you need to feel safe. That is the most important thing. What did you mean by out of control? Is he punching a wall or using foul language. My husband would get enraged and flip me off. He would ocassionally use the F word or B word. It was actually very uncharacteristic of him. What about your husband was out of control?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
you should seek your own therapist if you are not confortable with the one he sees. Is the T experienced with couples councelling? that will make a difference. Sometimes a separation is for the best, I suffered greatly while my H was awaĄ, but in the process I learned a lot about myself and saw things differently. Remain strong, it's good he is seeing a T. I recommend you read "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men".
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I think it's fair to assume that he is hurt and embarassed, and I wouldn't ever want to do this to him, but I don't feel like I really had a choice. I don't know how to communicate that while at the same time being loving. In dog training, they tell you that you have to wait until the dog returns your gaze after discipline before you make an overture or the dog loses respect for you. I love my husband; I know he is lashing out, and that I am the one who asked him to find shelter, but . . . but what? How do I get him to respect me? The therapist session turned into "there's nothing good in this relationship and never was". Although the therapist listened to our respective "stories", he stated flat out that the difficulty appeared (after my husband's story) that we had never had anything good to start with anyway. I was left to jump in and explain that that just wasn't true. Do I sit patiently? Do I find another counselor just for myself? Do I air my complaint with the therapist? We get him free through my husband's job, but now that we're living apart, I really can't afford anything else.
