Appreciate any insights to be offered here. Long story but I’ll try to stick to the main points for background info:
MY W and I met and fell head over heels for each other instantly. Became inseparable best friends and companions. We got married after a 2 year dating/engagement relationship and were married faithfully for 10 years (no kids). Nearly a year ago she separated from me and wanted a D. Classic WAW (walk-away wife) syndrome, I was the classic neglectful/taking it all for granted H who unknowingly was not meeting her emotional needs for quality time and conversation/companionship.
She moved into our rental condo and I spent months doing all the wrong things…pleading, begging, crying, promising to make it better, acting depressed and desperate, etc….you all know the drill. I heard all the classic lines like:
“I love you but I’m not in love with you” “It’s too late now” “You ruined a good thing” “I loved you so much and you squandered my love” “There is nothing left to re-kindle” “You forgot about me and hurt me so badly” “People don’t change” Yada, yada
We went to counseling for a while but she lost interest and stopped. I read multiple books on marriage in crisis, she read a little too but not as much as me. We went to a marriage seminar (Dr. Gary Chapman) but she soon retreated behind her wall again after a brief thaw. She stopped returning my calls and contacted me less and less despite me pouring my heart out to her over and over. There were a few points of genuine hope that seemed to vanish rapidly and she withdrew again and again.
W finally filed for D in January ’07 after “struggling with how God would view it” but she concluded that “God wants me to be happy and I have felt unhappy for too long” (we are both Christians who have re-connected with our faith after a period of neglect). Soon thereafter I found out she was involved w/ another man she knew from her work. Don’t know when it started but I suspect it was around the holidays that the affair bloomed. I’m sure he paid attention to her and listened cause there is no other way she would ever go for a man like him…rebound??? He is married, getting his 3rd D (3rd W divorcing him), short, fat, and nearly 20 years older than her. She has since moved in with him. He is totally beneath her in every way, you know…
I was floored—such activity is TOTALLY outside her normal realm of morality and decency in every way! I revealed what I had discovered to her and there were no denials only excuses like “you left me first” and “we were done anyway” and “I made a choice.” I revealed it to her family which caused a firestorm though I now know her father has told her that he does and will not condone her current lifestyle. I suspect that other family members and friends are merely enabling her by buying her reasoning and offering their “support.”
I then went dark (with the aid of threatening letters from her lawyer to avoid contact as she was talking about me “stalking” her and getting an order of protection). The L told me it would be finished by late April. In Arizona you have to wait 64 days from the date of service to submit your settlement agreement to the court who then just signs off as a formality. The earliest we could submit was about April 8th. I heard nothing for a good month. Finally got hold of the L in early May who told me that there had been a paperwork prep delay at his office and that I would have the final doc I needed to sign/notarize immediately (“done by the end of May”) this time. I did that and got it back to him just before Memorial Day weekend. She has separated our accounts and medical insurance, etc. I was heartbroken all along but went along—what else could I do? Her mind is made up and no effort on my part is going to change it. I simply stopped resisting the process.
Starting in mid-April (as I was expecting final papers any day) I decided to try to move on and let go completely. I had been alone for 9 months and was gradually forgetting and not thinking of her anymore. I started dating casually and have developed a relationship with another woman (lets call her”JN”). From my perspective we are friends and I enjoy spending time with her as a companion but I see no long-term romantic spark. I know she is not the “one” and am certainly not going to jump into a new marriage anytime soon. More on this in a bit… I had done some counseling with Homer MacDonald (“Stop your Divorce” on the internet) earlier and he had a different approach to these situations than either Dr. Harley (Marriagebuilders.com) or Michele Wiener-Davis (divorcebusting.com) – he knows it is different than them as well. He feels strongly than the rejected H in these situations must date other people in order for the rejecting W to see him in a different light. Sounded goofy to me at the time and that is not why I did it as I allude to above, but I have done it for recreation. I really felt like I was making tremendous strides in moving on emotionally despite my long-held desire to repair the M. Seeing other women show kindness and interest in me did a lot to repair my trampled sense of self-worth over my W’s actions and attitudes.
After little to no contact since February, I awoke one morning to find that my W had sent me a series of text messages the previous night around midnight. There were explanatory and conciliatory:
“We had many great years…amazing memories…thank you really…we just lost too much the last few, so sad” “I struggled for many months, went back and forth, there was no one else” “You did not know you really needed to listen, I did not try the right way apparently, I’m sorry for that” “I am sorry I have made you sad, sorry for so many things…over and over” “I loved you more than life…you broke my heart and I’m sorry I could not recover”
And finally:
“You are a good man and I know you will be able to move on. Heard you had a great time out with your new girlfriend…love her like I loved you…that is all she wants” [She found out about JN and I indirectly through a mutual acquaintance couple who used to be friends of us both]
This brought the whole flood back. I texted her back (mistake?) and we exchanged a few more texts in which she said she had forgiven me for my past mistakes entirely (which I have confessed many times) and that “fortunately we have a forgiving God” with regard to her mis-steps (which, of course she did not allude to specifically). When I said I was sorry again and only had wanted to make it right, she said “I know that now.” (new admission)
Since then we have had two phone conversations mostly about the last year and the events that brought it about. I have carefully avoided any criticisms or mention of the OM and have offered my support and praise for her recent illness and work accomplishments respectively. The last contact I got from her was a smiley face in response to me texting her that I think of and pray for her. She also said that she thinks of me often as well. I was left baffled why all the sudden interest after months and months of barely being civil to me if any contact at all. I checked online and the D is still NOT done. If not finalized by the court by early August, the case is automatically dismissed and would have be started over all again.
A few nights ago I had a long phone convo with a female friend (neighbor of the above couple who introduced us for the purpose of mutual support) …call her “SW”. We exchanged war stories about our situations and shared insights into how men and women think differently and often don’t understand each other. SW is going through her 2nd D and has read many of the same materials as me including “his needs, her needs” by the Harley’s. Her situation with her 1st H presented some eerie parallels to that of my W and I. SW was a classic walk-away wife who loved her H completely and devotedly and finally left due to severe emotional and even physical/geographic neglect. He did all the same chasing maneuvers which she rebuffed as “too little, too late” but now recognizes were genuine signs of love and remorse on his part. She went to counseling with him but didn’t really try to save the M as “he couldn’t change.” Ultimately, before filing for D, and which she now admits she is ashamed of, she took up with another man because he showered her with the attention she had been lacking in her M. When her H moved on and fell for another woman, she had pangs of regret and tried to reconcile but he was no longer interested. SW told me that her mindset was that seeing him happy and content after their breakup made her feel like she had made a terrible mistake. Crazy, huh? She ended up marrying her lover shortly thereafter and found out that was a terrible move and left him and filed for D a 2nd time after only 2 months of marriage. I asked her about the timeline she experienced for her 1st D in AZ and she said it was over and done with in only 2 1/2 months. When I told her the extended timeline I have been dealing with and the recent contacts we have had, she said that my W must be having doubts because “I can tell you, if she wanted it over she would have been all over her lawyer to get it done as fast as I did. No way it would have just dragged on with no legal activity taking place.”
That is the story and I apologize for its length. In thinking it over I have come up with a few scenarios that might be at play here:
1. My W finally signed and the papers merely await the judge (still delayed somehow?) and she contacted me for “closure” 2. She is feeling guilty and maybe has told her lawyer she wants to think some more 3. She is realizing that her new love is a total sham and a dead end and is testing the waters with me to see how I’d react. 4. She is strangely jealous of my new social life even though she does not want our M restored.
I DON’T KNOW! Any thoughts? It just seems strange that any W who spent so much time rejecting me and pushing me away would not have just pushed this through a while ago and cared not at all what I was doing or if I was seeing anyone new…
MJP, I'm with you I think your wife is having second thoughts. If she wanted the D that bad she would be gang busters for it. It could be over and done with by now. My W was hot to get it done, and then about mid April the wheels came of the wagon. My advice is to just "watch and wait" and continue to do what you're doing. HD does make a pretty convincing case about dating other people but the issue he doesn't address is: what if you fall in love with the OP or they fall in love with you and then your W wants to renconcile? Somebody that you care about or cares about you is going to get hurt-bad. I'm just saying, it isn't as cut and dried as old Homer makes it out to be. good luck with your sitch.
I am in agreement, watch & wait. DON'T, whatever you do, start chasing/begging/pleading again. You need to just continue on getting on with your life. Then, if and when she truly does come around, you will be in a better place. You need to like yourself by yourself and then whatever happens will be ok. I don't know about the dating thing. If she's not "the one" anyway, how does she feel about your R? If she's just "hanging out" with you as well, then I think it's ok to continue seeing her.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you all for your advice. For now, I'll just continue to watch and wait. If she is having 2nd thoughts (something I remain a bit skeptical of since she has made NO moves toward reconcilation or even seeing me) I remain open. But I certainly can't wait forever for a phone call that may never come. If nothing new has happenned by say mid-july I will have to contact her lawyer and inquire as to why. I have resisted that up to now to avoid the apprearance of "temperature-taking" as Michelle puts it.
Well thank you all again. Tired of being held in limbo, I finally got hold of W's lawyer today and found out that she has signed the final decree and it has been submitted to the court today. Only awaits a judge's signature to be final.
I guess I got the answer to my original question.
Yesterday I received an email from W (1st contact in 2 weeks or so). It was basically a list of complaints about some past bills on our 2nd home (which she is getting) she thinks I should pay, her losing her addresses when I removed her email accounts from my system (she had long ago opened new accounts for herself anyway), and some general whining about me "not keeping my word" on paying her business's tax prep fee.
Get this--there was one other dig about me "not having a problem running up her legal bills" by emailing/calling her lawyer's office a few times. Basically it was a request for me "to be nice" and give her some more money.
My thoughts are too vitriolic to print. I won't go into the details of why her claims are non-issues but the nerve of her complaining about me "not caring" is rich! The irony of this hypocrisy has to be self-evident--one just gapes!!!
I have not responded and probably won't--ever.
She made a choice, all of this results from what she wanted, and ,yes, I don't consider it my problem anymore since she threw away our M.
MJP, I'm sorry everything has turned out for you this way. I've been separated from my H for 8 months and was served with D papers a week ago.
I believe you are doing the right thing by not responding to her email. Let your lawyer take care of correspondence. I read if there has to be ugliness, let the lawyer do it.
The WAS is very self-absorbed and and it hypocritical. They are the ones that wanted to do these things without trying to work through the issues.
Now is the time to think about yourself. Take care. Get out and do something you enjoy.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
MJP, Thanks for your kind words as well. It helps to have someone to sound off to, doesn't it? People that haven't been through what all of us on here on going through can give advice all day long. You just never know until you have experienced it. I would never have thought I would have put up with as much as I have these past 8 months. You know funny thing is I used to think that the betrayed should be mad at the betrayer because they were the one that had the committment to them, but I found myself angrier at the OW. Don't get me wrong I was very hurt and angry at my H, but I wanted to blame her the most. I now know by reading books, that if our M was solid she would not be with him now. Nonetheless, it still hurts like heck.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
