I am having a hard time with my pending divorce. H left in January - needed space. He is now living w/OW. Logically I know it's over but my heart still holds on. I just don't know what to do. Kills me and it is devastating on the kids.
Yes they do come back. But the part from when they leave to the part that they come home is a long, long, long time. Live your life to the fullest, and leave the door open just a little bit...just in case.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
The answer to your question is YES! Look in the Success Stories threads.
Keep posting, you will gain valuable insight and will have fabulous resources here to help you. We share our experiences as we feel they apply.
The more detail you can share about you and your H in regard to your relationship the better. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
One of the basics for you to apply yourself to is; educate yourself. Learn all you can about affairs, how they develop, how they survive and how they disappear. As with anything else we don't understand, it just makes sense to learn about it before we develop an offense to correct the behavior.
The offense will challenge you, but the results will astound you if you see it through. Use this site to journal your thoughts, your interactions and your emotions. We've been where you are and you will find compassion and support here.
If your divorce is pending, this site will assit and your H in dealing with issues related to your kids. http://www.uptoparents.org It is a wonderful guide on what to do and how to do it. Your kids are being thrust into a situation they can't comprehend. They will need the mutual support of both parents.
Enough for now, keep posting and you will get a response.
You ask if they ever really come back. Of course, some do. But then, some don't. One never knows what tomorrow brings. The important thing is you do the things that will make you happy and successful as a person regard;less of who may or may not be in your life. Because when you come right down to it, it is the same thing.
Do I know what your H will do? No. But you need to care for your children the best you can. That and your own well-being are always of utmost importance.
PF, My aunt called me today. She told me about her sister whose DH left her for OW. He really did a lot of terrible things among withholding his son from her when he left. She practically raised the boy. Now two years later she tells me that he so desperately wants her back...
You don't say how many kids, what age, H age ... but we are very sorry to see you joining our survivors group.
Please understand this, the reason you are here is to survive. You may not save your M, and that is not the end of the world. Yes, it is the end of the world as you currently knew it. No, you will not die.
There are many answers to every question.
There is a script for WASpouses. It is the same script for those that just want to fool around, and for those in a somewhat state of mental or emotional illness we call mlc. We could call it anything, but we wound up with mlc. It has also been defined as the mid life mourning of the passing or loss of someone's youth. The bad part of that is usually that they were neither prepared, ready, or willing to let it go. They are driven to re-live what they believe to be a lost youth. Party on Garth!!!!!!
In many of these cases another person enters the scene and makes them feel so special it must be love. It most often is not. They won't or can't know that for months or even years. So where does that leave you? Yes, you heart still holds on, as it will even after a D.
How do you live? How do you go on? The hardest answer in the world for you to grasp is "you do it the best way you can". That may include a newfound appreciation for family you have been too busy to appreciate. It would be helped with a renewed focus on your spiritual life. Counseling could be a great support.
Something for you to read up on and try to understand is your role in this outcome. None of us had perfect M. People celebrating their 50th didn't either. But in the case of a MLCer, it is often believed very strongly by all of us that there was nothing you could have done to avoid this. It was programmed into the MLCer at youth, if you can believe that.
You did not discuss his R with his parents in his youth, or now as an adult. My guess is it was not story book. If he is MLC, he has likely suppressed a low self esteem a long time. He felt rushed into adulthood, career, big boy pants. He did not have enough play time and now he feels life is passing him by.
You don't have to say he is 50, because this is happening so much now as early as 30, that age has little to do with mlc.
You should read some publicationg on what makes an A and how long they last. Six months is a short one and two years is not unusual. There are things written to explain how this is tied to a biological chemical release and the changes it has on someone, and wear off. This chemical addiction drives an MLCer. The need to self medicate depression and guilt with alcohol, drugs, or just another person are overwhelming.
There are some good articles on this forum. Look at the postings at the top by Smurf on "MLC resources". Books include "Hope for the Separated"; "Surviving Your Husbands MLC"; and anything you can find. Knowledge is power and will provide you with much needed strength.
As for him filing D, many do. Not all go through with it. Many real MLCers run out of gas and let it lay, as long as they are allowed to play their games. They aren't in a hurry to endure the financial fallout. That does not take into account the influence an OW may be putting on your H.
I said enough for now and hope others chime in. Take extra special care of yourself, eat and sleep, love your kids, love yourself and we will too.
I am sorry, but you are jumping the gun. When you know the story, maybe you can say what is going on, but until then it is irresponsible to suggest that you know what is going on.
Yes, sometimes they come back. But as they say, be careful what you wish for. It is not always peaches and cream. Not to say that it cannot be, but it takes two and it takes commitment.
My H came back but didn't make any effort or commitment so he has deteriorated to the same state he was in when he left in the first place. No communication, out practically every night, etc. All I asked when he returned was that he communicated his feelings and told me what he was feeling so that I could be sure I was what he wanted in a wife and mother and would not get the bomb dropped again. He did none of that. Therefore I only hear complaints when he is screaming mad at me. Now I think he is going to do exactly what I predicted, drop the bomb again.
But it doesn't have to be like that. Learn from others and make it the best you can. Good luck!
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
What you point out is very true. An effort has to be made by both to fix the relationship. I was out of the house once a few years before the bomb. My ex asked me to come back, and my assumption was why would she ask if she wasn't willing to accept me. Well, that eventually blew up in my face.
The key to life is to move forward, be the best you can be, and if a relationship is to be healed it will. If not,m you will be in a much better place to continue life ragrdless of who is or is not in your life.
Oh...read Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Maybe that was a problem in your marriage if you were hitting your h a while back.
Thank you for all the kinds words...We were married 12. S(11), d (9). I do think a lot of this has to do w/the fact that I was extremely successful and he was not. Several failed businesses, not the greatest career etc. He blames me for his lack of success. Funny thing is I never cared what he did as a career as long as he did his best at it. I am a very driven person but fun loving at the same time. We had some issues last summer-he was partying A LOT but things seemed to come around until he left in Jan. Floors me that he found a relationship so quickly-not being mean but he has really let himself go. What really tickes me off is the entire time we were seperated he kept making forward statements-that is until I found out about the girl. Who is 37 and never been married. He says he likes her a lot and thinks it's serious. I did flip out at him about 6 weeks ago when I found out about her-lost my temper and punched. SO not me... I feel as if he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. He has only lived with her a week and I was really hoping he would get his own apartment so he could have the kids part time. I have had them 95% of the time since he left. I try to make sense of it and I can't...annoys me to no end.
W-43 H-42 S-11 D-9 (Who pretended to be sick the other so she wouldn't see him.) M-12
