Bad morning. I logged into my e-mail account and had a message forwarded to me by "Friend". My wife e-mailed him saying she missed him and really needed to talk to him. Wondered if he was feeling the same way...
I called her and told her to bring some boxes home with her. She is not spending another night in this house.
I thought things were turning around. She has been wearing her rings again, we've been doing things together, seemingly having fun and we haven't fought at all lately.
I will no longer be played for a fool. I am out of the marriage. Finished.
I just can't seem to let it go, though. I suppose that will come with time. 25 years is tough to release...
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
Bad morning. I logged into my e-mail account and had a message forwarded to me by "Friend". My wife e-mailed him saying she missed him and really needed to talk to him. Wondered if he was feeling the same way...
Moon, things seemed to be going well for you and your wife right?
And this loser 'friend' of yours would notice that right? Any chance this loser 'friend' could have doctored this email to you, to get what he wants, to sow a little dischord between you and your wife?
At the VERY least show her the email before you make any assumptions.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It is completely gone, except for the text. As I said, I read it to her and she basically admitted to sending it right off the bat.
The email it showed up on was my work and I have no ability to block it.
I think it's just time to call it a day with her. She told me over the phone that she didn't think it was going to work because she doesn't feel anything. I have been through the ringer over and again with her. She is screwed up. She admits it. What else can you do?
You can't force them to love you.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
I don't think I've ever posted to you. But I saw your post about your W. And how she's cycling (at least to me that's what it appears to be.) back and forth between you and the OM.
I agree with Jack on this: "The hard part is when they start wanting to hang around you AND they are slowly letting go of the OM/OW."
It is the hardest part. My H's OW was in the picture off and on for a while. Even just non-chalantly through work she was, still around for my H to say "hi" to.
I looked at like this:
Everyone here has told me the OP is like a band-aid for whatever "ails" the WAS. And when the WAS starts inching their way back to the LBS the band-aid starts to come off. And remember they are like children, so that band-aid never wants to be ripped off so to speak. The WAS starts at first to rip it off, and pick at it. And to avoid the pain, they leave it alone. And it slowly starts to fall off. Bit by bit. Eventually it does come off, but it has to be at their pace.
I understand your frustration and anger about what your W did. Trust me I know it well. My H was getting text messages from OW periodically throughout our healing, and it was hard. I got angry, I cried. Even just recently H told me he was saying "hi" to her in passing. And to him I'm sure it seems harmless, but for me it was more than that. But, now he's transferred to a different department away...completely away from her. So, I feel much better these past several days.
But, again on the other hand...I understand the need to keep your sanity. It's not easy doing this DB thing, and trying to hold your life together on a thin thread. If this is what you need to do, and what works the best for you don't let anyone make up your mind for you. This is your life.
I'm just letting you know, that this road is the one less traveled. It gets bumpy, it's uphill. You and your W will stumble and fall. And no one said it would be easy. It hasn't been for me, and my H wanted "us" back last February. We've managed to pick the pieces up and start to put them back together.
Be still and listen. If this is what's right...then do it.
RU
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. - David Viscott
I feel like I'm always the voice of dissention around here--maybe it's because I decided not to "stand" anymore or maybe it is the retrospective view and seeing what did not work, but I will say that you should absolutely tell her to leave.
There must be limits and boundaries and if you give her a long enough leash she will strangle herself and then you with it. There's a big difference between allowing your heart to stay open to possibilities and letting her know what is and is not acceptable within the context of your marriage. Is it okay or healthy or acceptable for your wife to be pining after or pursuing her x lover while under the same roof with you--of course it isn't. Once she's out on her own, she may begin to thaw and also to understand that grass is not greener where she's headed. Reality check time.
Your wife is not well. She needs help--let's hope she gets it. I hope you will be able to keep the door cracked, just in case, but you should not stop moving forward with your own life.
So, for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. It will be very hard on you both but it will likely be worth it in the end.
She went to one counseling session with me, decided she didn't like the counselor and refused to return. She goes to a counselor on her own and a women's group who have her believing that she has been abused sexually, emotionally and verbally. I have been labeled controlling and manipulative.
Although she goes to counseling herself, when I inquire about finding a MC she likes, she replies that you don't need someone else to tell you what to do, that it doesn't help. When I ask why she goes alone then, she gets very angry and defensive.
She will not let affection return to our relationship. I now understand why. She is holding out in the hopes that this guy who who was merely sport-@#$%ing her actually loves her. She doesn't want to give of herself to me again in case he comes running back to her arms!
I really don't understand it. He's a real turd of a human being.
She said in her e-mail that she was sorry she hurt him. She didn't - I did. In actuality, he hurt her and she doesn't even see it.
When someone is that genuinely delusional, how in the hell can you recover from anything???
Here's the actual text of her e-mail That he forwarded to me:
Hello Brian, I would really like to talk to you, I miss you, wonder if you feel the same, having a real hard time and need a friend. I am afraid to keep calling you because it makes me feel bad when you don't answer. I know I deserve it cause I have hurt you. I am truely sorry, can't say much more. only I will never hurt you again. Miss you, Suzy
Makes me ill...
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
Your W sounds like my H. At first he refused to see a C. He thought that they wouldn't be able to do anything to help. I ended up convincing him to come with me to a few sessions. She didn't help. He was convinced that there would be no reason to share "our issues" with someone. And he had the "It's none of their business mentality."
I ended up going to C alone, and working on me instead.
Were things going well for the two of you as Jack as asked? I just wonder.
Maybe boundaries are necessary? Why is "friend" forwarding you this e-mail to you?
I agree most OP are turds with low self esteem or something to mess with married spouses.
How did your W react to your telling her to basically move out?
Sorry for so many questions.
But, I do think that you need to do what is best for you. If this is what you really want...after sleeping on it, mulling it over. Do what's best for you. I would definitely apply the 24 hour rule to it though.
RU
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. - David Viscott
