Long term effects of a SSM?

[stu]

It's been a while since I posted here, work is slow so I am catching up on the major developments in the various board members stories. Something jumped out reading through the threads; there seems to be a large number of people who either had or who's spouses had an EA. Is this a consequence of the SSM, or the other way around? It's more than an academic question, since the answer directly drives how I address my situation. Is it:

A. Spouse is basically an unreliable hobag/cocksman and will get bored and drift no matter what?
B. SSM occurs from normal marital inertia and creates a situation conducive to the EA?

If it's A, then it's a difficult if not impossible task to stay together, but B is probably workable to some degree. But, is it worth the trouble? It seems like most cases here attempting to remedy the SSM have resulted in a lot of relationship friction and in some cases divorce. Is a mild/moderate but chronic SSM a guaranteed marriage killer? That's my big question.

I can sublimate my drive indefinitely, it's a lot easier than coercing my W but I always wonder if it's a really bad idea. Some on the board seem to be very dependent on S, and are highly motivated to force the issue with their SO but I am not into doing this. I value my independence highly and do not want to ask anyone for anything, especially S.

[RedHeadWife]

I sure hope it's not "A," otherwise H and I are done b/c that would mean he will do it again no matter what I do to make our M good since he has already had about 4 A's (mostly EA's but whatever still A's).

I have to *hope* and pray that it won't happen again now that our M/R is moving in a good direction and I plan to keep it that way. Is it worth the trouble? That depends on the person who was cheated on and what they can forgive and whether they want to forgive and move on.

As far as your sitch goes, maybe trying to figure out why your W has a low SD could help you figure out how you could *work* on *fixing* the problem.

Now, as far as the affair questions, are you having one or thinking about having one or do you think your W may be having one or thinking about having one?

[stu]

Neither, but I did notice the common thread on this board hence the question. It's more of a "fix it or f**k it" issue for me, either I spend the energy on it or I live with it unless it's going to bite me later, in which case I have to address it. KWIM?

Oh, the low SD has been discussed...The usual suspects, lack of sleep, hormones, fat deposits, age. All true but no magic bullet.

[RedHeadWife]

Go read the discussion we had yesterday on AmbientCoast's thread. It was all about "mommy syndrome."

[stu]

OK, I read the threads. So, let's say we assign Mommy Syndrome as a diagnosis. That says that when the kids leave home, there will a return to a normal existence with more a focus on the SO? I can wait if this is so, but I suspect there will be other things to take their place.

[RedHeadWife]

No, I wouldn't say that when the kids leave home you will all of a sudden get a SL back b/c all along she has thought that not having a SL was ok w/ you. Bottom line is that you need to talk to her about your non-existent SL and see if something can be done to get it back.

[stu]

BTDT. Even visited a MC. BTW our SL isn't non-existent, just increasingly infrequent. You say "and see if something can be done to get it back". That's the issue, it assumes there is a cause and a solution. During counseling and discussions, it was never any one thing or set of things and no proposed action to improve the situation. Here are a few typical reasons given why the general disinterest:

1. I'm tired.
2. I can't sleep.
3. I'm worried about (fill in the blank)
4. I don't have any time to myself.
5. I need to walk the dog at night (I am not making this up)
6. I feel fat.
7. It's too late.
8. I have too much to do.
9. I don't feel fufilled professionally.

The conclusion I came to is this is from someone who is not really too keen on the S idea and not going make an effort to set aside some intimate time for us as a couple.

[RedHeadWife]

Sounds a lot like me back then. After the D bomb (not saying that's what you should do), I changed my ways and I'm glad I did. Didn't know what I was missing.

[stu]

So, what was your line of thinking before as you say "the D bomb"? Did you just not really care one way or the other if you had very little S? Just trying to get a better understanding from a woman's POV. When you say you changed your ways, what did you do to get to a better place in the R? I have little understanding of the Type 4 personality motivators in this regard, I am a Type 7 so I don't need any coaxing:).

I hate to think that I would have to threaten to leave to help this, I can be a hard-ass in business but not to my wife. That's a major weapon to deploy and I would rather avoid it.

[RedHeadWife]

Yeah, I understand that, and like I said, I'm not saying to threaten D, especially if you don't mean it.

My thinking before? Well, like your list above, I was tired all the time; honestly, after awhile of not having S, I just got used to not having S; got tired of feeling like every little touch or intimate behavior HAD to lead to S. I also did not understand how sex lead to intimacy and a closeness in an M that you can't have otherwise. Well, I changed my ways by initiating S pretty much every day (therefore, at the beginning I had first-hand knowledge of the rejection feeling), I just began loving my H, as we had grown apart quite a bit w/ putting the children and all of the other stresses of life before our R. I made sure I took the time to have time just with him after the boys went to bed. I talked to him about things other than the boys, work, etc.

Now with him being deployed, I'm still doing the things to make sure he knows he is supported and loved and missed. I have a note on my computer that says : Encouragement, Support, Compassion. Those were things my H needed and wasn't getting.