Please Help Me

[shmagic]

Cadesmom

Just read your post actually I think you are me LOL. I feel exactly the same way. Your whole marriage runs pretty much along the way mine did. My lack of knowledge re sex being more important than housework etc etc. Really similar stories in many ways except me H never gave me the speech. Actually I realise now I pretty much gave him it only in reverse as in ...Husbands name.. I know you love me and but are not in love with me... and lots more. He said I had got it all wrong and in some ways I had. He had been having an A for 2 years and had been trying to end it for most of that time but the OW was behaving almost like a stalker calling him at work 30 times a day begging him to see her and eventually he gave in.

Now he had been really withdrawn emotionally from me no affection for the whole 2 years and when I tried to initiate sex it was like ML to a stone. So I stopped trying switched of and withdrew myself. Even after the A ended I didn't reconnect and neither did he. He eventually slept with his friends wife her H told me and I figured out he'd been lying about previous girl so phoned her and she confirmed the A but did say to be fair it was her that had done all the chasing.

We did a little MC and our SL was brilliant for a few years. Gradually dwindled because I did feel as though it was always me doing all the initiating. Plus my H had some real hang ups aboutML when our by then teenage sons were around.

FF 15 yrs and my H has had an EA/PA again not sure which because he has ED problems. Now to get to the point of your post I feel exactly the same way as you. I send him romantic texts and get sweet F A back. I say love you or I love you and it is always Me too. I've turned it into an in joke between us and when he does say it first I always tease him and say you said it first and he says no you did bit flirty. It really hurts that you need them to prove that they really do love YOU and aren't just staying because of the children or finances. It is as if they just don't see that the romantic fantasy love they had with someone else is what you would like too.

I actually do believe that my H really loves me very much and yours probably loves you too. I think whoever said it is the same thing as ourselves we didn't realise how they felt about lack of sex and they don't realise how much we need that extra effort from them to show us they really love us.

I probably wouldn't push for too much while your H is overseas. Maybe when you visit in September you could explain how much it would mean to you if he sent you a romantic email. Have to say I asked my H how come he didn't reply to a loving text I'd sent and I would like him to send me one. His answer was if you ask it takes away the whole point. I said guess I'll be waiting a long time as you never seem to get that desire. Now while it was said light heartedly and H and I both laughed. It was a real problem for me as I'm sure my H was sending OW loving texts.

I did say next day your right it does take something away if you have to ask but next time I send a loving text I'll be putting a footnote that says no reply necessary so that he gets the message loud and clear that it does matter to me LOL

Try not to be too resentful at the end of the day he wasn't getting his needs or desires met for some time so you kind of owe him the extra effort for a while even though he shouldn't have cheated and should have talked to you.

I did explain to my H that I needed him to kiss me first and I got resentful that it always seemed to me making any effort and I needed him to be the one to kiss me first and he now does this. Sometimes I do still feel its me making the first move but the ED problem has made me more tolerant. As long as he responds I'll keep making the moves LOL

Hope this makes you feel you're not alone feeling this way and it is something you should deal with eventually but is early days and he is away from home so give it time.

[RedHeadWife]

Obviously, I can't say much b/c some of you may be spies but he's deployed as in at an assignment where family can't go, but not at war. Crazy as it sounds, through the internet, he actually has a local (to me) phone number over there.

I actually call him every day during my afternoon to make sure he is up for work because it's his a.m. and he always has a hard time waking up to an alarm clock. This is something he asked me to do.

[sat567]

I'm reporting you to the NSA. Doorbell will ring in 3...2...1...

Hairdog

[RedHeadWife]

thanks, Hair.

I guess a lot of where my *emotional* days come from is the fact that w/ the DB'ing and all, we never really had any R talks before he left. It's like the D bomb sitch never happened and obviously that's not true and I'm left to wonder why he even changed his mind, let alone if he really thinks we are going to be ok now or what. And then on the other hand, I beat myself up and tell myself I'm being a stupid chick and need to just get over it.

Also, I get mad at myself because I always have been the strong & independent type and I hate feeling like this -- so insecure and like I'm depending on someone else.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, now I'm just venting. I just feel really angry sometimes. About everything that has happened.

Have you guys heard that song, don't know who it's by, but it's something about "she's the prom queen and I'm just the girl next door?" That's how I feel now -- like I'm *just* the wife and mom of your children -- how pathetic is that. THAT should be the better thing; I should't feel like that is SECOND BEST, but that's how I feel right now.

And logically I know that I'm probably *making up* half of this stuff, as far as H is concerned, all that is BTDT, it's over, but it's just so hard now w/ him gone and all the crap that I now have to deal w/ on my own -- getting over the A's and praying that our M is truly ok, but not being able to KNOW that b/c he is so far away and not wanting to have any R discussions long distance.

Ok, tomorrow will be a better day.

[OG_Lou]

"she's the prom queen and I'm just the girl next door?"
The (1)prom queen is usually temporary. The (2)girl next door is usually the keeper. What is wrong with being (2)the girl next door?

That's how I feel now -- like I'm *just* the wife and mom of your children
So, what do you want to be, the temp (1)porn queen or (2)"THE" mom-bousehold executive-in charge of internal affairs, the hot wife.

You are not second best. The second position is the best.

You are not second best, you are just w/o your best friend, your H.

Lou

[FijiOrBust]

I have some thoughts I'd like to share, if you are interested. Read them at your own risk, and be very skeptical. I feel a little bit reckless being so blunt, and a bit presumptuous writing some of it, but I trust you can filter out the useless bits, and I hope you'll understand the spirit in which it is offered.

Frankly, I can't imagine myself staying silent on the heavy stuff for a whole year. I really would want to try to be the perfectly and uniformly-upbeat supportive spouse on the home front IF my spouse was in mortal danger on a daily basis. But that is a BIG IF. (I mistakenly assumed that was your husband's situation, and so was cutting him some significant slack.)

But, if my spouse was fairly "safe", albeit homesick, putting in extremely long days, stressed knowing how much other lives depended on one's own job performance, and stressed because one's life was turned upside down by the deployment -- well, I'd try to be supportive for my own strategic reasons and because I love my spouse, but not at the expense of my sanity. For one, it will backfire to carry the whole relationship silently on my shoulders. For another, I deserve better, I really do. Under those circumstances, I think it would be fair AND sensible to have at some clearly demarcated discussions about where the R stands. More than fair.

If one is going to have some clearly bounded discussions about the R, then I think it becomes important to (1) identify the few things that really must be said and asked and answered, and (2) figure out how to put them on the table without drama and without making the other come to dread communication in general. IMHO, brutal honesty is required when identifying the things that must be said/asked/answered NOW, as opposed to things that can (somehow) wait until daily close contact is possible.

The important thing, I think, would be to frame it so it's clearly an intentional, short-term deviation from the normal daily conversation... That is, to avoid the appearance that all future conversations are going to be such a serious "drag". Honestly, if he can't understand that you are caring a large burden right now that he can't answer a few questions and/or can't bear to hear what you need to hear from him from time to time, then that seems like something you need to know.

Now, here is something really presumptuous on my part. I don't mean to put words in your mouth. I just want to efficiently convey what seems possible to me, and see if you or others think I'm full of sh!t. Here goes....

Maybe when the spouse was having/had a good day, I'd say something like: Hun, I've been trying very hard to support you, because I love you, and I know that you're in rotten environment right now and are probably homesick for the kids and a normal life, and hopefully missing me, your spouse, and the comforts of home I provide ;). I try very hard to send you nothing but good news from the home front, and stay upbeat etc., and to be something that you DON'T have to worry about. I hope you've noticed it and appreciated it. [pregnant pause] But, as you know, things were really crappy in the few months before you left. And, though things seemed to get significantly better, it's hard to remember, and especially to feel with you so far away, exactly how much better they got. And, quite honestly, I never got a clear understanding of where, in your mind, our relationship/marriage stands. If I'm going to be able to stay positive and give you the love and support I want to, we are occasionally -- and hopefully very occasionally -- going to have to talk about our relationship. Does that seem fair? Does that seem like something you can do? (answer better be yes, IMO) Is now a good time...it shouldn't take long, I just want to get myself clear on where YOU stand with regard to our relationship, the "D". (Or whatever those few things are that can't wait) And, I want to let you know the X-number of things I need to hear from you from time to time.

Again, I'm sorry if it is offensive to hear someone suggest a conversation. I'm just trying to throw out ideas, and don't have a clue how to throw them out otherwise. You seem so afraid to have a meaningful conversation right now because of the deployment, but, from here, it looks like you really really need to have one. Does what I just described seem possible? Counter-productive? Scary? (Again, I'm not a DB-ing expert.)

Regarding the A/D, I feel sympathy re. the effect it has on your drive. That really sucks. But, please make sure you're getting more out of NOT taking it than you would by taking it. Is a lower drive, right now, more or less important than the benefits you'd get from taking the A/D? In my own experience, A/D helps me avoid obsessive downward thought spirals, and generally helps with my emotional resiliency. I prefer my life with mine.

Also, you're situation is so complicated with the deployment, and , today at least, it sure seems like you don't have the support and outlets to vent that you need. You shouldn't have to do it all alone. Maybe you should find a good IC to help you formulate a plan to get through these next several months. Seems like you mentioned you were going to set up an IC appointment a couple of weeks ago. Did you follow through?

So far, I don't feel like you have a workable plan for how you're going to get through this deployment and keep your sanity. All I hear in that regard is that you plan to be stoic about it, to continue silently carrying the whole burden of your situation yourself. Is that how you see it? Will that work? I truly believe something will -- you've gotten through so much, by your own intelligence and determination.

[FijiOrBust]

Cadesmom34,

On re-reading my post after a good night's sleep, I just wanted to say I hope I didn't offend you or make your day worse. And sorry for being so long-winded!

[RedHeadWife]

Hey Fiji -- no offense taken whatsoever and I truly appreciate the time you took to respond to me. That's what I am here for -- other people's input & advice.

Today was a lot better of a day. Not that they've kicked in yet, but I have decided to just go ahead & take my AD and quit being a little b*tch about it

I am a very logical-type person. I have a really hard time w/ all of these emotions that are running rampid in my head about all the A's, the D bomb, etc. I'm also a 'chick' in the way that I think too much. I'm working very hard on not 'dwelling' all the time on what he is or isn't thinking, b/c (no offense guys) but I have a really good idea he's probably not thinking anything other than "things are good now" and that's it.

We've already been able to save more $$ than usual since he's been gone; we're already talking again about how much we want a little ranch and then this a.m. he talked about us trying to get it sooner than later.

He continues to just act 'as if' nothing really ever happened and that life is glorious and goes on.

I just have my down days and wish I could talk openly about some things but I'm always afraid it will just 'start' something that I don't want to start long distance.

I have decided to just let things ride until I go visit in late August. He did tell me this a.m. that he had been thinking about me all day yesterday and in one of his last emails he said there are only 4 people he wants to be w/ and just can't be right now (the boys & I).

I did go to IC that one time and, as I said, logically I kind of already know/knew what he talked to me about. The only things I did get were that expectations can be dangerous and that's one thing I need to work on. The other was that getting over the A is like the grieving process because a lot of things died when he chose to cheat on me.

I have learned through the whole D sitch that my H is very needy emotionally. Almost more like a chick than the norm. It seems he needs to be pampered emotionally constantly and it can be tiresome, especially when I'm not getting anything in return or so it seems.

But, this is the path I chose to take. I still don't know how I would handle it if we didn't make it through all of this. I chose to stay, to work to keep him to stay and now I need to just stay the course and quit being such a baby about my decisions.

I guess I know I need to do what I need to do to keep our R/M going well and hope that someday, maybe when he gets back, that I will start getting something in return.

I also keep reminding myself I could be in such a worse place right now and he might not even be coming home to me at the end of this year.

[RedHeadWife]

Question, do you kind of end up 'hitting bottom' before you start back up when it comes to 'getting over' all the crap?

I ended up taking today off from work. I haven't been feeling well all week and I'm just plain tired. Although I'm in the house by myself, the air kicked on and it felt cold to me and in the back of my mind I instantly think the baby might be cold back in his crib. Well, he's not even here -- he's at daycare. I think that's one of the things the guys simply can't get about the 'mommy syndrome' -- once we are moms, it's ingrained. We can't simply turn it on & off.

Anyway, couldn't get a hold of H this a.m. He finally called and knew I was home not feeling well. I simply told him I hadn't told him I hadn't been feeling well most of the week b/c "I didn't want to complain; he can't do anything about it over there & he has enough to worry about" (in a nice way, not accusing). I think maybe it'll make him think a little -- he said no he couldn't do anything about it, but I can still tell him how I'm feeling/doing. Maybe he'll realize he could be doing a little more encouraging of me and what I'm doing over here from his end.