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whatisis #1098660 06/15/07 02:19 PM
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Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Nothing can be sadder than being gravely unappreciated by the person you consider to be the love of your life...and the only one.

Just hang in there...a lot of people on this forum are here to provide support. Try not to beat yourself up about it so much.

Lots of luck to you.

nara #1098674 06/15/07 02:26 PM
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Thanks Nara, I won't beat myself up! But, I am willing to acknowledge my part in what happened to my M. The key is to look at the mistakes and not repeat them. I was a truly good H but I had flaws (tried too much to please and accomidate) and that is my personal work, to come to terms with it and change it. A R cannot be based on one person and I allowed that to happen way too much. But, despite that, she's losing a love she can never replace...her loss.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
nara #1098676 06/15/07 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: nara
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Nothing can be sadder than being gravely unappreciated by the person you consider to be the love of your life...and the only one.

Just hang in there...a lot of people on this forum are here to provide support. Try not to beat yourself up about it so much.

Lots of luck to you.


THAT is exactly how I felt/feel..........but can't seem to get that point acrossed to H.....


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
*KS*Chick* #1098684 06/15/07 02:32 PM
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KS, I don't know about you, but in hindsight I set myself up for that. People don't appreciate what is just handed to them over and over again. I had this romantic notion that this is what love was all about, to be there and take care of your S and it will be returned in kind. The more I gave the more the love would flow. Uh Uh. It's a little more complicated than that. Live and learn, I guess!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
whatisis #1098697 06/15/07 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Yes, it is true that one person's actions have forced this choice but


Not entirely true and you know that but that is not what I want to share....

Hey brother,
I think seperating will actually make this a little easier on you and your sanity in the long run. Yea it sucks for the kids sake not to have mommy and daddy there all of the time but what good is that if there is always built up resentment and anger between the two of you.

You will actually get breaks from all of the chaos when you actually seperate and be able to re-charge as well as think a lot more clearer about the choices that you need to make for you and your kids (since the nut case will not be around 24/7).

Couple of things that really helped my sitch out lately is laying down the guidlines with our interactions around the kids. I pretty much told CB that we are not to talk about us in anyway what so ever around the kids and that it is soley their time. No outside interference. All of that could be handled by picking up the phone and calling the other person to iron out or differences.

As far as the kids go mine are a lot younger but I would never talk in details about it. Usually just the old I still love mommy line and mommy and daddy's sometimes veiw things in our lives a little differently. But I would never come out and say that mommy stopped by a friends house that is a convicted sex offender, undressed herself and fell on his well....and then continued to do it for a year or so..." ;\) Of course their response might have been ....D@MN mommy must be pretty clumsy...


Do not put any blame on your W at least in your kids eyes. Let them know what is going on just explain that there are differences between the two of you and that this is just what is best for now. Who knows what the future holds. Some BS like that. By saying that you have an issue with the morality of you nutcase w's choices you are basically telling the kids that it is all her fault.

They will have their own resentment built up towards their mother.

Here is an example from my personal life. Slightly different but shows the resentment that kids learn on their own.

When I was 4 or so my father shot and killed himself. Without knowing to much of the details I grew to hate and dispise him. I looked at him as a chicken sh!t and would never refer to him as my father. When I would ask my mother about him when I was growing up she would always say that he was a great person and a great father. He just had his own problems that he was dealing with. Needless to say my Father was an a$$ and a coke head to boot.

Moral of the story is that as a kid, event hough my mother trued to paint this wonderful picture of my dead beat father, I realized the truth and came up with my own veiws on the sitch. Your kids will do the same so just keep the seperation loving and friendly no matter how hard it is (and you know how many times I would love to rip CB's trachea out)...


Just my 2 cents on the seperation aspect.

Of course you could always use the back up plan of building her a kennel out back and making her live in there while you and the kids lve in the house....I always loved that idea.

Later,
Ben


Ben 32
STBXW 29
3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months)
Status: Fighting for the Kids.

"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
whatisis #1098714 06/15/07 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: whatisis
KS, I don't know about you, but in hindsight I set myself up for that. People don't appreciate what is just handed to them over and over again. I had this romantic notion that this is what love was all about, to be there and take care of your S and it will be returned in kind. The more I gave the more the love would flow. Uh Uh. It's a little more complicated than that. Live and learn, I guess!


but that's the way it should be.

I came to the conclusion last night that he doesn't WANT to work on us. ALL of our stuff is fixable -- if he wants to try.

We'll see.


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
*KS*Chick* #1098735 06/15/07 02:56 PM
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"but that's the way it should be."
Disagree! Love requires an element of respect for each other, not just service. If we expect another to love us we must show love for ourselves as well. By constantly bending, putting other person first etc we are saying "I'm not that important" and they respond in kind! Certainly, an element of give and take is "the way it should be" but each person must have their own boundaries and the ability to say "what about me"! Respect and service, that is love, IMHO. I didn't do so well in the respecting myself and my needs department and therefore gave her permission to ignore my needs too. Bad, bad, bad!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
whatisis #1098745 06/15/07 03:01 PM
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See I"m thinking we should WANT to do things for each other....but it ends up being taken advantage of.


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
D=ok
*KS*Chick* #1098787 06/15/07 03:17 PM
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Gotcha, KS!
OSU, great advice. Thank you.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
*KS*Chick* #1099190 06/15/07 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
See I"m thinking we should WANT to do things for each other....but it ends up being taken advantage of.


Well, that's what we all THINK, but look where we are. If you're a believer in the LL idea, if you're talking the wrong LL, it doesn't matter how much you do, your S could feel unloved and unappreciated. That's why my W left.

There does have to be give and take, but if you hit the right LL, your S will feel loved and that will start to be reciprocated. That is different from being codependent in that you don't NEED your S to be happy, you want to be happy with them and healthy love and attention and attraction comes from showing your S they are loved, in the right way and you being happy when they're happy. They WILL start giving you love, but you don't NEED it to be happy - you want it because it's valuable to you.

It also helps that you don't become predictable. For instance,
my W knew I was going to tell her she looked hot every day. It got old, it got to where it didn't mean anything, it got predictable - even though I ALWAYS MEANT IT! So, I have to picj and choose my compliments so they're meaningful. That's not her LL but every woman likes to know she looks good, just not ALL THE TIME!

Anyway...


We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.

3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...

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