If so, how did it affect your drive? Your physical response? I believe my wife has physical issues but she refuses to do anything about it. Here is the scenerio: She had the hyst in February of 2006. She has a very old fashioned GYN that she trusts implicitly. He is a very caring doctor but I don't think he gives a whit for the sexual issues. Hell, the W did not even inquire until an hour before her surgery if she would be keeping her cervix. Just trying to paint the picture. Naive, shy wife. Old-fashioned doctor.
Anyway, on to the crux of the issue. Since her surgery she has had a problem with overly sensitive breasts. While she would occasionally have this before, now it is all the time. She cannot stand to have them touched. The biggest problem with that is it used to be the main thing that got her motor running, so to speak. She also has been unable to climax. She always had O's from IC and I believe they were more uterine than clitoral in nature. Now with the uterus being gone, that is gone as well. When I suggest that these issues may be physical she counters with the fact that she kept her ovaries and she should still be maintaining hormonal balances. Of course, she won't go get it checked out. To make matters worse, she has always been (with occasional, wonderful exceptions) overly reserved about what is and is not pleasurable in bed so it is difficult to try to work around these constraints. At the risk of being too graphic (yes I've been around here long enough to know better) she will reluctantly allow me to go down on her and the physical response is good but I think she thinks it is "wrong" and if she starts to like it too much she will pull me away with an almost panicked reaction like she is afraid she might O and that it would be "icky". I am getting tired of feeling like I am having sex in a mine field. Don't wander that way too much or this way too much... Don't touch her there! For God's sake, man what were you thinking?!? I told her a couple of nights ago and I probably worded this VERY wrong, but I said I want my old wife back. While we have always had differences of desired frequency, it always used to be great when we did get going. I want the woman I used to make love with for an hour or hour and 1/2 of meandering playfulness, not this goal oriented woman where making love is 15 minutes to get me to O so she can finish the laundry.
I cannot get her to understand that while it is her body, it is affecting our marriage. She says she enjoys sex. That while she doesn't O that it is "fine". Wow, nothing like being damned with faint praise to bolster the old ego. I even tried to get her to understand how incredibly depressing it is for me to contemplate the idea that at the age of 44 I may never experience a female having an orgasm again. Nothing seems to matter.
So, back to my questions. Anyone had a hyst? Did it affect you sexually? If so, what steps did you take to correct this? Should I just suck it up and accept the cr*p sex as the new baseline of normal? Am I just being a selfish jerk?
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
My very HD sister recently had a hysterectomy for cervical cancer. She had to fight to save her ovaries from radiation (they're tacked up in her rib cage now). She has indicated that she knows that her ovaries are still working because she does get the cyclical tender breast thing still. Maybe it's worse or more noticeable without a uterus? OTOH, because she is HD in the sense that she thinks of herself as someone who loves sex, she (I kid you not) started MB to see how lame it was going to be while she was still barely able to walk after surgery. She cracked me up because she was like "I'm worried. It wasn't very good. But my inner thighs are still numb too so maybe it will get better." You think?
Anyway, she's undergoing pelvic radiation now and this causes you vaginal walls to get rigid unless you have sex or use a stretcher thing 3x a week for the rest of your life. My sister has decided to spin this in a positive manner and has decided that she will now be a sexual super-heroine because all the super heroes get their powers from being radiated. She has a plan to get her boyfriend to take a comic book sexy picture of her with various props in the radiation room and then she will enter it in an erotic art show.
I guess my point is female sexuality is effected by hormones but the mind is much more powerful.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I wish I could help, but haven't had the hysterectomy done.
I did have an ablation done where they actually burned my cervix, and I have found that my drive is actually more. Don't know exactly what has happened to me, but I all of a sudden wanted it and still want it all the time (hard w/ H being deployed).
What did she say the other night when you said that to her?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I wish I could help, but haven't had the hysterectomy done.
I did have an ablation done where they actually burned my cervix, and I have found that my drive is actually more. Don't know exactly what has happened to me, but I all of a sudden wanted it and still want it all the time (hard w/ H being deployed).
What did she say the other night when you said that to her?
Nothing. She just cried.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Are you being a selfish jerk? Maybe a little but with good intentions.
You told your wife you want the old wife back and she cried. Jeez if that wasn't saying TOTALLY the wrong thing I dcan't think of anything more hurtful from a womans POV.
Try to imagine how you'd feel if your penis had just been cut off because you had cancer and your wife said she wanted the old you back. How do you think you'd feel? Get the picture?
Now obviously you love your wife and its great that you want to give her pleasure. Nothing wrong with that its finding the way to break down the barriers of what turns her on now.
It will probably take longer now you've shattered her self confidence as to whether she's a real woman after her hysterectomy. When a woman loses her womb she feels the loss of never being able to have children. Even if she didn't want more kids even going through the menopause can give a woman a sense of loss at that ability.
I would apologise for being an insensitive jerk let her know you didn't mean to hurt her and see her as a beautiful and desirable woman. Take things slow at first if she's always been a bit reserved might take longer for her to overcome her fears re whats dirty and whats okay. Give her long massages with no expectations for yourself. Kiss her passionately during the day not just in bed. Generally build up her desire levels. Try to show her that anything is okay in the bedroom and you get so much pleasure yourself from making her come. You really want her to feel pleasure too.
From my own POV I'm not always bothered if I have an orgasm or not. If I do great if I don't great. I enjoy the physical closeness either way. I love sometimes just giving pleasure to my H makes me feel good so on one level I can see why it is important to you too. Just gone the wrong way of explaining this time.
Sorry if I've beaten you up a bit here and know you meant well.
Should I just suck it up and accept the cr*p sex as the new baseline of normal? Baltoman, my W had the hysterectomy back in the dark ages. I think the King was Henry something? Then she had a breast lumpectomy (beginning breast cancer about 10 years ago.
So, she has had her fair share of medical, hormonal, body image issues to re-evaluate and find new normal. A lot of what you posted sounds sadly familiar.
I tried to put myself in BB's place while considering what was important to me. I don't know if that can be done very well.
Yes, there is a new normal. It might not be the one your W is presenting or feels like it is the only one she has to offer.
In the beginning of most R's, each person gives based strongly on good feelings. As problems arise and medical issues increase, along with a lot of other issues, the good feelings we once had change and doing some things based on good feelings, just isn't there.
A person has to learn to give based on doing what is the right thing and what other people need or can give.
Asking others for something is similar. Ask based on what they want to give and what they have to give.
Maybe the new normal is less than you will be satisfied with when compared to the old normal. Maybe your W needs to do several things based on your needs and her abilities, and less of what she feels like giving or doing.
Sometimes a good job/employer becomes a lot less desirable than when we first started working there. Maybe most people in the industry have taken slight pay cuts. Maybe the owners are not making as high a profit as they once did.
You still go to work, the owners open the business every work day because it is the right or necessary thing to do based on current conditions.
shemagic Generally build up her desire levels. BTDT
Try to show her that anything is okay in the bedroom BTDT
and you get so much pleasure yourself from making her come. I tried but it doesn't happen. i can't make BB cum or want to cum/"O". BB's words are "she doesn't have the desire, can't make the connection to her desire You really want her to feel pleasure too. Absolutely but it isn’t happening, the cum/pleasure part
I enjoy the physical closeness either way. I love sometimes just giving pleasure to my H makes me feel good so... I have felt BB feels the same sometimes. Knowing this helps me to keep trying.
I like what you said over all shemagic.
Balto's situation might be very different. I am just sharing how it happens in the Lou household.
Baltoman It will probably take longer now you've shattered her self confidence as to whether she's a real woman after her hysterectomy. When a woman loses her womb she feels the loss of never being able to have children. Even if she didn't want more kids even going through the menopause can give a woman a sense of loss at that ability.
I would apologise for being an insensitive jerk let her know you didn't mean to hurt her and see her as a beautiful and desirable woman. Take things slow at first if she's always been a bit reserved might take longer for her to overcome her fears re whats dirty and whats okay. Give her long massages with no expectations for yourself. Kiss her passionately during the day not just in bed. Generally build up her desire levels. Try to show her that anything is okay in the bedroom and you get so much pleasure yourself from making her come. You really want her to feel pleasure too.
I don't mind being beaten up. In my defense though, the statement was not in reaction to discussions about the hyst, as she sees no correlation between the hyst and my perceptions of differences in lovemaking between before and after. The statement was in the context of "my perceived" differences between the love making three years ago and now and her perception that I want her to change her personality and sexual persona. My point to her was that I was not looking to change her into something she is not, but I wanted to recapture what we had which is (or at least was) something she is capable of doing.
As to the things you suggested, I would love to do those things if she would let me. The passionate kissing is how I used to be able to gauge how "in the moment" she was. She only liked deeply passionate kissing in the context of making love and only during those times that she was really "into it". Since those times do not happen anymore, I have no opportunity to try your suggestions. She takes everything to be a prelude to sex so the "doing with no expectation" will not feel real to her. As an example at the MC yesterday the MC had us hold hands and tell how we felt doing so. My W suggested that when I reached around and touched her back with our clasped hands that it felt like a sexual overture to her and made her uncomfortable. I just thought it was an affectionate gesture.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Sorry misunderstood the other hang ups she has but stand by the way she probably feels about losing her womb.
Jeez its going to be even tougher to get through to her. I know you're going to MC but is this councellor skilled in sex councelling too? Sorry don't know your whole thread would be here day and night if I read everything.
I don't know why she became switched off from before the hystorectomy can't understand why any woman wouldn't like being kissed passionately or feel threatened by a loving massage. My idea of heaven. Get the kissing now occasionally and have actually asked for the massage as I give my H a back massage every night still waiting for mine LOL.
I guess all you can do is be as loving as you can and stay firm in your resolve to try to change things for the better. Keep going to councelling and hopefully in time her desire levels will improve.
Maybe she still doesn't get just how badly this impacts on the whole relationship I know I've learned so much about how men view things from this site.
Sorry misunderstood the other hang ups she has but stand by the way she probably feels about losing her womb.
I know what you are saying and I do understand. She was 45 when she had the operation and we have 4 children (B,G,B,G) in various stages of high school and college so we certainly weren't going to have any more. It didn't keep her from tearing up when she saw a young lady pushing a newborn in a stroller though. I do understand (at least to the limits of my gender's ability to understand) but I stand by my contention that there is something else physically out of whack. Extreme breast tenderness for over 18 months straight should be checked out. Immediately before and after her surgery she was on a hysterectomy web forum and they have a section devoted to sexual issues from the surgery. She is not alone in this. The difference is that those women know something is wrong and want to do something about it. I simply don't know how to get through to her and I am slowly losing the will to keep trying. I am beginning to feel like Choc described himself 3 months ago. Of course, like Choc, deep down that really isn't who I am.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Then she had a breast lumpectomy (beginning breast cancer about 10 years ago.