Don't have a lot of time right now, but I did want to say that I have come to realize that a lot of the resentment I felt that contributed to my LD state was because I did not know how to set or enforce boundaries, and this dates way back to the beginning our our R, pre-marriage.
In addition, I've come to better understand my own personality type and cac's as well and that has helped. One of my LD issues has been that cac is a smoker -- I have a very acute sense of smell, so this has always been a problem for me. But, of course, I married him knowing full well that he was a smoker.
There are a lot of things that I didn't address with him because I was afraid of confrontations (still have a hard time with that, but getting better), so I just tried to ignore them. But of course that doesn't work.
Then there were the completely different communication styles and needs. I wanted heart-to-hearts; he is uncomfortable expressing his feelings. The more I pushed for him to talk to me, the more he tried to avoid me.
Finally, as I got into my 40s, I started examining my life and my marriage. I decided I wanted to make some changes. I had read 5LLs and SSM so I had an idea now what cac was going through. Then I lurked on a couple of his boards and read his unadulterated posts. That was how I finally, truly understood. Things lined up (having a long-awaited child, becoming a SAHM, which I wanted) and I was in a good position to step out of my comfort zone and start making some changes.
I can tell you it is possible for things to turn around. There are people here who have experienced it.
Up until a few weeks ago, I thought my wife and I's situation was almost hopeless. But somehow, and I'm still not sure exactly how, things have changed for her. She seems to be enjoying ML, seems to want to, and it is starting to seem it is within her capacity to want to give me that sort of joy in my life because I want, need, and deserve it...I'm starting to feel loved, not resented and invisible. I have gone from constantly worrying I won't be able to continue our M much longer, to finally having hope we can once again start the loving ways we shared.
I can relate to the concern about your child. It has seemed at times the only thing keeping me in my marriage was my desire to not split my children's family apart. Yet, I think I got very close to believing that the joyless relationship they observed between Mom and Dad, and their somber Dad, was taking too high a toll, and that D might be better for them.
I at times wondered if there was a way I could learn to live with my sexless life, somehow make it until the kids were grown up. That was looking pretty hopeless too.
You're right that there can be severe repercussions with an affair. It's wise and admirable for you to dismiss that as a way of coping. For me, it wasn't so readily an option (not exactly a chick-magnet here :)). And, from past family experience, I've seen the pain it can cause -- I have sort of a built-in aversion to it. And, it wouldn't solve the real problem I was experiencing -- which was the constant rejection, the constant denial of my need to feel loved by the one I so wanted to want to give me that love.
I am so sorry for your situation. I really doubt that unless someone has experienced the pain of unceasing rejections, year after year, that one can comprehend how sad and alone it can make you feel.
There can be many reasons your husband is not giving you the love you need and deserve. There are things you can change in yourself. There are boundaries you can set for him. I'm certainly no expert, but I've come to believe there are many things people can learn to do or do differently that sometimes add up to significant progress. There is some basis for hope.
Whatever you've been doing, it hasn't been working, and so now is your chance to do something different. It sounds like you've only just begun your search for things to try, a search for a solution. It's too soon to say how it will turn out. But, if you continue to learn and do what you find needs to be done, then you'll eventually get a better life, with the love you deserve.
