Last night was some drama. What does it mean when your spouse says they are annoyed and resent all the 'perfection' they see in you right now. That 6 months ago she would have had to kick me out of bed, but now i'm super dad getting the girls ready every morning.
I've heard variants on this over the last month, usually about once a week after having fairly decent weeks as co-parents.
I did my best this time to not defend myself, actually I didn't say anything in response other than something like 'i guess i would be frustrated too if thats what I thought'. I didn't know what to say, it just felt attacked, and couldn't think of much to say.
She also wanted to say she feels in limbo, and if I think us being stuck together is going to change anything i'm wrong, and that its actually making it harder to imagine ever making us work.
The conversation moved around some, to renting places, parenting splits, etc. Some of it was productive, others were not. I was suprised that i was able to keep calm, and shut up for most of the conversation, yes i made some stupid mistakes, but overall i don't know how to handle 'seperation' talk. By the end of it, she had calmed down pretty much, and we agreed to just talk tommorow at the family therapist tommorow.
So what do you think? I don't know what to do, the perfection talk is frustrating. She is basically calling me out as being a fake and that they won't last, and that she sees them as manipulative so she won't leave. At least she is noticing, and validating that my changes are good right?
Last night was some drama. What does it mean when your spouse says they are annoyed and resent all the 'perfection' they see in you right now. That 6 months ago she would have had to kick me out of bed, but now i'm super dad getting the girls ready every morning.
It means she's pissed because she made the wrong decision to do what she is doing, and doesn't understand that SHE could have participated in this 'new you' if she had actually been supportive of you.
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I did my best this time to not defend myself, actually I didn't say anything in response other than something like 'i guess i would be frustrated too if thats what I thought'. I didn't know what to say, it just felt attacked, and couldn't think of much to say.
There's nothing to defend. The best response is something like "I've taken the time to step back from my life and find clarity. Now I know who I really am and I intend to stay that person, and whether I am with you or someone else, I'll never live my life the old way because I intend to be in a relationship that is much better than those I've had in the past"
You see? Your in control now. She can come if she wants. Either way you'll be a better man.
By the way, when she replies to that with 'Well it's too late now for us!' you just say, sadly of course, that you understand that and you're sorry she can't get past her anger at you, and you hope that she finds her happiness eventually.
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She also wanted to say she feels in limbo, and if I think us being stuck together is going to change anything i'm wrong, and that its actually making it harder to imagine ever making us work.
She's TESTING you. your only good response "I understand, I'm sorry you feel that way".
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So what do you think? I don't know what to do, the perfection talk is frustrating. She is basically calling me out as being a fake and that they won't last, and that she sees them as manipulative so she won't leave. At least she is noticing, and validating that my changes are good right?
You are way on top of this my friend! She's testing you, questioning whether or not she is seeing the 'new' you or is it an act.
Have you read Deida 'the way of the superior man'? Or check out the mailing list at 'makingherhappy.com'? Both are good sources of understanding how women process emotions, and how they view men.
This is very good stuff. Now, if you simply maintain YOUR calmness, validate her feelings and don't DEBATE them it will be interesting to see her start to change.
Remember, you aren't trying to 'get her back'. You are changing yourself and she will be ATTRACTED back, unless she is totally crazy of course!
Frank - as always thanks for your perspective, and for your positive words, i have read 'Way of the Superior Man' - funny enough 6 months before the bomb, although its unrelated. I have actually bought the book as gifts for 3 different friends, and recommended it to 3 others.
So I had another big day today, lots of things to report. Today was family therapy session #2.
The therapist opened up with "so how do you two want to proceed?" - i let my wife take this question, and she answered "that she thought about it hard and did not want to work on it right now, and can't see how that would help." She wanted to move forward with the seperation, and that she feels thats the only way she can get clarity in this. He asked her if the OP was still around, and he mentioned it would be difficult to get clarity with that. She said she knew.
He then started talking about seperation, and asked the tough question about what we meant when we said seperation. Did we mean seperation to get space and find clarity and possibly get back together, or seperation as a stepping stone to a eventual divorce. She answered this one as well. She repeated that she thought it was a seperation for clarity, as she was really confused, and wasn't ready to say divorce (please don't read too much into this guys). So our therapist recommended something that I had never considered. I'm not 100% sure that i like it as an option, but it sounds good for the girls.
- We rent a place, that my wife and I split. Our kids stay stable at the house, while only I would go to the seperation house on my days without the kids, and she would go on her days without the kids.
Anyways, it sounds really good for the kids, but i'm not sure if it gives myself or my wife the space we need. I'm not reading too much into this, and I told my wife that while I understand that she is confused, I don't want to feel like I'm waiting around for her to get hit by some wave of emotion that may or may not come. And that I could only feel comfortable with this option if we both felt we were moving forward (with no clear destination) without undue stress or expectations on our relationship. I basically said I can't be expected to wait around and put my life on hold while she figures stuff out and dates another man.
She said she understood, and she knows she could lose me and this guy, but she feels like she really needs space and to be alone. I tryed not to push to much on how I felt talking to another man kind of eliminates that space she wants. Anyways, at the very least it feels like our situation is changing, better or worse I don't know, at least the change will stir things up.
Crazy times.
Anyways, tommorow my new boat gets delivered, so i'm not going to think about this too much for a few days.
- We rent a place, that my wife and I split. Our kids stay stable at the house, while only I would go to the seperation house on my days without the kids, and she would go on her days without the kids.
My counselor , who was excellent, made the same recommendation. It's a very good idea because you can rent a studio apt or one bedroom and don't screw up the kids lives.
AND you are still interacting as a 'family' to a certain extent. Not to mention it's CHEAPER than maintaining two households.
Honestly .... I couldn't do that. I would never be able to lay my head down or be comfortable in a place where I wasn't sure if my H had possibly had the OW at. Can you imagine it?? It's not like you can actually trust them to tell you the truth if they are or not...most of the time they're already lying about the whole situation in the first place.
I just don't think I could do it. When I went through my separation...we had our own space. I needed the things that were mine around me....and he had his own place. Neither one was home...when we finally got back together, we bought a new home and started fresh.
M-38 H-40 MLC S15 A started in 5/05 S in 12/05 D in 05/06 re-M in 07/06 A FINALLY over as of 5/07
frank - yeah it would be cheaper and for sure better on the girls, whatever happens between my wife and I, i feel this would be easier on them. As far as being better or worse than a standard seperation as far as our chances for reconciliation, i don't know. Anybody have any thoughts?
I haven't really thought about the OM being at my home away from home, but right now I am trying to imagine it and I'm not feeling too jealous/angry of the possibility. I'm not sure why i'm not. I do think i should think about it some more though.
I would definately insist on at least a 2 bedroom, and seperate beds though.
frank - yeah it would be cheaper and for sure better on the girls, whatever happens between my wife and I, i feel this would be easier on them. As far as being better or worse than a standard seperation as far as our chances for reconciliation, i don't know. Anybody have any thoughts?
Well, my counselor told me it was more favorable because the WAS is still in the 'home'.
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I haven't really thought about the OM being at my home away from home, but right now I am trying to imagine it and I'm not feeling too jealous/angry of the possibility. I'm not sure why i'm not. I do think i should think about it some more though.
I would definately insist on at least a 2 bedroom, and seperate beds though.
Yeah, that's what my Counselor said too. With separate locks for the rooms so they are you 'private space'.
I was joking with her that night also that 'looks like we are going to go furniture shopping together', she laughed and said, yeah, how about I furnish the upstairs, and you furnish the downstairs. I replied, 'how about you furnish the whole place as you are a lot better at it than I am' - this used to be a point of contention as I used to second guess my wife on things like this. I recently look hard at myself and saw that my own insecurities were the cause of me doing this.
I have decent taste, but my wifes is much better, so when I told he she could furnish the whole place, she just smiled and said 'i have expensive taste', i laughed and said 'i know'.
Ok i am confused on how to handle things these days.
My wife went out for a little while with her crazy girlfriends last night. I stayed upstairs to be close to the girls inscase one of them woke up or needed something.
So around midnight i go to bed upstairs, and she comes home around 1am. I wake up, and she lays down in the bed and starts talking. Says 'i had the weirdest night'. I ask her what was so weird about it.
She is wide awake, and in a good mood, and starts telling me about how, she was drinking and pretty drunk, and one of her girlfriends and a guy that she knew through another friend were talking, and suddenly this girl starts propositining my wife to have a 3some, and coming on strong. My wife said she laughed it off, and told her 'your drunk.' Of course this guy is all over it, but my wife said she was not into it, and when the bar closes they walk out to leave. Somehow then end up next to the elevators together, and the other girl and the guy move in and try to kiss her. She says she needs to go to the bathroom and leaves.
Now, i'm listening to this story, and granted some parts of it are really funny, but others are really awkward to me. Like how she tells me that there was this hot bartender that was checking her out and at one point in the night after drinking her friends tell her to go talk to him, so she walks over and says hi, and tells him he's cute and asks his age. He replies 22, and that he's flattered because my wife is hot. Well from the way she describes it my wife is embarressed that he is only 22 and laughs, and walks away.
Now, i don't want to hear about how my wife is playing the single crazy life. And i don't know why she thinks its okay to talk to me about it like I am her gay friend. It makes me crazy. I am very attracted to my wife, and she treats me like I don't do anything for her sexually. What is going on? We used to have a very good sex life, i know she was attracted to me, what the hell happened?
She also said, you should come out with us one night, and hang out with my 'crazy friends' they'll be all over you. I said 'that would be awkward'. She said we wouldn't go as 'boyfriend, or husband, or exhusband'. Again, i said 'that would be strange'.
Now she was still tipsy during all this, but I don't know how to handle this, part of me wanted to tell her I don't want to hear these things, and i'm not her gay buddy - I am her husband. Another part of me felt like her confiding in me was positive and that us sharing laughs and the fact that she wanted to tell me all of this was good. I tried to feel out if she was flirting with me in some strange way, but i was not getting any indications that she wanted me in anyway. I didn't let her see it, and the whole conversation was friendly and lighthearted, but it left me feeling a little hurt as i left to go downstairs to the basement.
I don't know what to do? Please give me some help..
